With college hoops kicking off this week, I wondered why there wasn’t more fanfare ringing in the new season. Then I wondered why I wondered that.
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Slowly, ever so slowly, the belittling of the WNBA among basketball critics is eroding. Memes are being drawn up, philosophies followed, anti-ladyball sentiments appearing more irrational and the movement toward the WNBA being a respected league has already begun to take root.
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This respect has formed from a) esoteric sports fans ironically liking the WNBA long enough that they just started actually liking it and b) bored NBA fans with nothing better to do over the summer but to fill the void with the WNBA. What both demographics learned is that the girls can play. They can’t jump worth a damn, but they play hard. They hustle and have a steady sense of the game’s fundamentals, spacing, ball movement and play calling … they understand everything casual fans miss.

Weird. That sounds like the reputation college ball has developed among people rationalizing why they don’t like the NBA.  What are they going to say to rationalize the dismissal of the WNBA?

The best part of college hoops. You'll notice there's nary a hoop or ball in the picture.

College hoops is a weeding-out process for the pros. A revenue churning operation for each school’s athletic program and a gathering spot for the student body. It’s also, depending on the month, the matchup or the fullness of the moon, an occasionally exciting couple of hours. What it is not, sadly, is quality basketball.

University basketball, like everything else college kids touch, is sloppy.
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I understand why college ball remains (and will continue to remain) popular and probably more popular than the WNBA. But just because I understand it, doesn’t mean it makes any sense. Does that make sense?
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So much of the average college fan’s reasons for preferring college over the pros sound good as long as you don’t think too hard about it. A consensus among NBA detractors is that the league profits from employing thugs who take five steps on their way to an uncontested dunk. This isn’t true, but let’s say it is. Let’s say sloppy play exhibited by athletes with dollar signs in their eyes is an accurate depiction of the pro game. I dare those naysayers then to explain their support of the college game.
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The college game – from a technical standpoint - is weak. Even when both teams play hard, they play poorly. With the exception of the few dozen college athletes who graduate to the pros each year, it’s like watching a squat version of the Knicks playing the Warriors … only without the massive scoring. Ugh. I just threw up a little in my mouth. I’m regretting that second helping of sausage patties. Why is this the case (the horrible play of college basketball, not the sausage patty part)? Because they’re kids. Most of college hoops’ players are only slightly above-average to begin with. On top of that, depending on the stage, they’re nervous or simply don’t have a natural head for the game. And did I mention that they’re kids?
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It’s perfectly acceptable for a newborn fawn to wobbly struggle with its first steps. Nothing wrong with it. But don’t try to sell me that somehow it’s a purer – and therefore better – form of running than a full-grown deer.
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Shot efficiency, turnover efficiency, shot selection, low-post moves; there’s a reason high draft picks come to the NBA and have to develop these things. There’s a reason only a select few rookies are NBA ready when they arrive in the league. Thousands of students play college basketball each year and fewer than 20 of them will make a significant positive impact on any of the professional teams that draft them.
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If it’s a principles thing with the NBA, a resentment that these athletes can hustle and run plays yet chose not to despite their handsome pay, fair enough. There’s points to be had there. But again, why would the college game be the answer?
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College programs thrive on the level of talent they can bring into the universities year after year. And the best programs – the ones that annually play the “best” brand of basketball, are the ones that field winners. And how many of those winning players on those winning teams do you suppose walk onto the court worried about their chemlab assignment due on Wednesday? In fact, how many of those winners do you suppose even have chemlab? The players that drive excitement, sponsorship, viewership and institutional popularity in the universities are the ones aiming for the NBA. It would be naïve to believe that because college players aren’t making money, that they’re not still playing for it.
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Let’s be honest, it would be naïve to believe some college players aren’t making money.
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The women’s game? Even the all-stars of the league are lucky to clear $60,000 a year and this is as far as a female basketball player can go. They’re not playing for anything else. Hustle, drive, teamwork, skill and this is the end of the line for them. Who’s beating the drum for them?
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In the end, I’m very capable of believing that it all comes down to the viewer’s own ego. You went to Kansas (par exemple), you were a Jayhawk. You were never a Bull or a Laker or a Mystic or a Mercury and you don’t owe them anything. You’ll root for Paul Pierce, Kirk Hinrich or Wilt Chamberlain because they were Jayhawks, but not really their pro teams. College sports, more than any other level of sport, allow us to legitimately feel a part of it all.

Whoa. College hoops fans actually gawking at Erin Andrews. I did not expect that.

And I’m not knocking that experience. Let ‘em paint their face, gawk at Erin Andrews, memorize lewd chants, co-opt their team’s glory as their own. That’s what college is there for. Live it up. This isn’t a brushback pitch against any of that. But this is a clarification that none of that is basketball. There are the naysayers who berate the pro game, ignore the women’s game and deign to call the college game the best basketball has to offer.

But those people are confused. They must be, because it’s not even close.
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Photos courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via Getty Images

The NBA Draft has come and gone, but the 14 lottery teams got it all wrong. They shouldn’t be going after the top prospects from here and abroad. The Clippers, Grizzlies and other bad NBA teams should have picked up the player that they really need. It might have been a robot, a mom or Kunte Kinte. But had they followed our advice, you can bet that one of these teams would be playing in the Finals one year from now.

1. Los Angeles Clippers – Taylor Griffin
The Clippers got the wrong Griffin. Sure, Blake will probably be awesome, but the Clippers will no longer be the losers we know and love. Taylor is capable of posting eight points and nine rebounds a game, which would be franchise-bests for a Clippers forward.

2. Memphis Grizzlies – Jorge Gasol
The Grizzlies are still making amends for giving Pau Gasol away to the Lakers for free. So a year after taking Marc Gasol, the Grizz should go ahead and draft Jorge, who is actually unrelated to either of the Gasol brothers but happens to share a last name.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder – Brian Johnson
Oklahoma City needs someone to yell out “Thunder!” every time Kevin Durant scores. It might as well be the lead singer from AC/DC. I guess they could play their other songs too, but “Thunderstruck” could help Oklahoma City fans deal with a terrible team nickname.

4. Sacramento Kings – LeVar Burton
That’s right. The team from Sacramento should draft one of its native sons. And since the city isn’t all that great, the guy who played Geordi La Forge and Kunta Kinte is on top of the list of notable Sacramentians. But hey, Burton carried Reading Rainbow for 22 years, he can probably carry the Kings too.

5. D.C. Wizards/Minnesota T-wolves – Barack Obama
Since the president plays so much basketball in his free time, why don’t the T-Wolves just sign him up? And how awesome would America look if our commander in chief comes into peace talks after dropping 20 on the Knicks the night before!

6. Minnesota Timberwolves – Candace Parker
The T-Wolves got the wrong spouse in the Sheldon Williams-Candace Parker marriage. Candace can dunk, she can dish, and more importantly, she can carry a child. The Wolves need Candace because she can dominate in the regular season and pop out new Wolves players every offseason.

7. Golden State Warriors – Wilt Chamberlain’s progeny
The Warriors need to re-create the best player in team history, and that’s Wilt Chamberlain. Wilt the Stilt claims to have slept with 10,000 women. And if one percent of those women got pregnant, then that leaves 100 children who might possess the athletic talent of The Big Dipper. The Warriors should play the odds and take all 100 of the kids, because all they need is one carbon copy of Wilt.

8. New York Knicks – Don Draper
There was a time when the Knicks were cool. No, not the Patrick Ewing years. I’m talking about the Dave DeBusschere–Walt Frazier years. And the Knicks need to go back to that, so who better to draft than the king of cool from that era? The only problem with Don will be his chain-smoking, his constant drinking and his affinity for secretaries. But that’s no different from Isiah Thomas, right?

9. Toronto Raptors – Mike Myers
The Raptors have a nice collection of talent, but they don’t have a mean streak. That’s why they should have drafted native son Mike Myers. The guy who played Wayne Campbell and Austin Powers is apparently a huge jerk behind the scenes of his movies, and that should easily translate to the basketball court.

10. Milwaukee Bucks – Julius Erving
It’s a little known fact that the Bucks drafted Dr. J in 1972. But Julius never played for the Bucks because he didn’t want to be third fiddle to Kareem and Oscar Robinson. So as punishment 37 years later, the Bucks should make him play with the likes of Andrew Bogut.

11. New Jersey Nets – Brian Scalabrine
The Nets need to get back to their glory days. Forget Jason Kidd and Kenyon Martin, New Jersey misses the glue guy from the 2002 and 2003 NBA Finals teams. Brian Scalabrine played nearly 10 minutes a game for those two teams. And the Nets don’t just miss his three points and two rebounds a game. They also miss his heart.

12. Charlotte Bobcats – Kate Gosselin
Let’s face it. The Bobcats’ roster is full of kids. And while their record improved this year thanks to the mental abuse handed down by Larry Brown, Charlotte needs more of that. And you can’t get a better taskmaster of children than crazy-eyed Kate.

13.   Indiana Pacers – Optimus Prime
The Pacers are a much bigger exploding disaster than Transformers 2. And while Optimus will occasionally die, he’ll come back each time stronger than ever. We can’t say the same for Mike Dunleavy.

14.   Phoenix Suns – Oktay Mahmuti
Something is broken in Phoenix. They need to go back to the run-and-gun days of Mike D’Antoni. But Dan’s stuck in New York, so the Suns should get smart and hire D’Antoni’s replacement at the Italian club where the Suns found him. Oktay would be a good fit because he’s a 17 years younger than Mike D’Antoni. He’s also 100 percent more foreign.