It’s Tuesday and in one week the 2009-10 NBA season will officially begin. Many of us are already gathering notes together for our basketball fantasy drafts. You can hardly control your excitement, right? Well, Sidelines can’t control its excitement. So in the five weeks leading up to the season tip-off, we’re thumbing through our old fantasy notebooks, cringing at our past selections and revisiting our top 10 fantasy picks from each of the seasons that introduced us to a new decade. This week: the new millennium. Karl Malone was the reigning MVP at the age of 35, still the oldest anyone has ever won the award. Tim Duncan was all David Robinson needed to finally capture his first championship title. Only 50 games were played in the lockout-shortened ’99 season. And it appeared as if the heir to Air Jordan could be found in a Toronto rookie named Vince. The year ahead would see future Hall of Famers Dominique Wilkins, Joe Dumars and Charles Barkley play their final seasons.

Enjoy and we’ll see you on October 27.

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Waasssuuuup, fantasy ballers. SportScape Sidelines back again to hook you up with this year’s basketball studs. If you followed our advice last year your team probably won. If you follow us this year, you’ll no doubt be as dangerous in your league as Y2K viruses are to our world. So stop humming “Oops … I Did It Again” and follow us as we review the 10 best the game has to offer.

And now: The best bets for your 1999-2000 fantasy all-stars!

10. Grant Hill, ORL
Hill, perhaps the most fully rounded player on this list will have his first shot at a full season in Motor City with Jerry Stackhouse, a power duo almost two seasons in the making. Assuming both these guys stay healthy (and there’s no reason to think they wouldn’t) they’ll help each other become one of the premiere powerhouses in the East once again.
09. Jason Kidd, PHO
It wouldn’t be insane to think Kidd might average a triple-double one of these years. He averages nearly 17 points and eight boards while leading the league in assists-per-game last season with 10.8, more than a full assist better than his previous high. He’s the best true point man in  game full of great ones.

08. Stephon Marbury, NJ
Marbury didn’t exactly enjoy sharing the spotlight in Minnesota spotlight with Kevin Garnett. But now that he’s with New Jersey and the shoot-first point guard can call the team his own, there won’t be anything to stop this guy from going gonzo all over the league. A happy Marbury is a quiet and productive Marbury. If he continues growing, he’ll be on his way to the Hall of Fame 15 years from now. He’s that good.

07. Chris Webber, SAC
Oh, the free throw percentage! Webber! Webber, practice your charity tosses, my man. He shoots .486 while standing three feet to the left with a defender in his face, but only .454 when everything stops. If he could just shoot .650, he’d be the best power forward in the game. Statistically, that free throw percentage wrecks your team.

06. Tim Duncan, SAS
We know the big goober in the middle can play. We also know he can win. What we don’t know is how high his ceiling is. Is he just as good without the Admiral taking heat off of him? Robinson isn’t long for this league and, as good as Duncan is now, I can see him tapering off when Robinson’s team becomes his team. Because I’m teetering, he gets the middle of the list.

05. Kevin Garnett, MIN
Statistically, Garnett and Duncan are similarly ferocious stat-stuffers. Actually, Garnett’s just ferocious in general. With Marbury out of town, it’s totally his show and stat-wise he’s going to eviscerate most power forwards in this league. Heck, he’ll probably take a few SF with him.

04. Gary Payton, SEA
Payton’s 8.7 assists-per-game average was third behind only Marbury and Kidd. But what makes the Glove special is that he consists of the best of both those other two PGs. He scores nearly as many points and threes as Starbury (21.7, 1.7) and, like Kidd, rebounds, blocks and steals in higher numbers than someone as small as Payton is expected to (4.9, 0.2 and 2.3). When you choose Payton, it’s as if you’re choosing Marbury and Kidd.

03. Karl Malone, UTA
You know why Garnett and Duncan aren’t ranked higher? Because the Mailman hasn’t retired yet. I’m willing to concede that either one of those younger guys might be considered better than the quickly aging Charles Barkley. But Malone? Duncan and Garnett would have to have pretty remarkable careers. He’s 35 years old and he’s missed two games in the last seven seasons. Think about that. No clue how many seasons he’s got left in him, but I hope it’s enough to win a ring.

02. Allen Iverson, PHI
Iverson is a PG the way Superman is Clark Kent. Call it whatever you’d like, the Answer is a shooter. Three years in the league, this mighty mite has never averaged fewer than 22 points. Shoot, steal, repeat. His declining assists are a bit alarming. He’s be in the No. 1 spot if he dished the ball more than 4.6 times a game …

01. Shaquille O’Neal, LAL
… Well, and if the big fella wasn’t also in the league. Honestly, who can stop this guy? Not ‘Zo. Not Mutombo. Not Ewing. Not Robinson. He’s a scary, scary force. A force that scores nearly 30 points a game, grabbed 11 boards and blocked 1.5 shots per game last season … and he’s not really trying. God forbid Kobe Bryant continues to improve, not only will the Lakers be really good, but Shaq might feel the need to step up his game. I can’t imagine what that would be like.

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NOTE: Look for us next week as The Sidelines looks ahead at your 2010 Fantasy WNBA team.

… Just kidding. Those don’t exist.

Here’s a recap of the weirdest or most overlooked sports stories on the Interweb this week. Plus, as you’ve come to expect, tech geeks take it to the hoop.

Monday Kim Clijsters accused of cheating her way to the U.S. Open title. Her accuser? Science. Tennis
Tuesday Not even puppies licking babies is as adorable as the little girl throwing back the foul ball. Baseball
Wednesday Tranny comedian Eddie Izzard: touched by the end of “Forrest Gump,” runs 43 marathons in 51 days. Marathon
Thursday I wouldn’t have thought members of the Yankees dressed like Batman characters would look so dumpy. Baseball
Friday Steven Nash on SNL makes too much sense. So does Shaq on “Dancing With The Stars.” Basketball
Saturday Heroes are those who do only what the rest of us dream of doing. Exhibit A. Soccer
Sunday Wait. Didn’t Pro-Bowler Herschel Walker have a personality disorder? The MMA sounds perfect for him! MMA/Football
Eighth Day The “Junk Dunk” isn’t something frat dudes do to one another, after all. Now, I feel so used.

Photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via AP

That weary, displaced emotion is what I’ve been feeling about our president ever since the baseball All-Star Game. Something ain’t quite right. It’s unsettling. And it’s only getting worse.

I’m beginning to think that he isn’t really all that into sports.

On Monday, the WNBA champion Detroit Shock were the most recent in a long line of teams and athletes to visit the president’s house. During his speech to the team, Obama retold the story of his daughters watching him watching female basketball players on ESPN’s SportsCenter and how it taught his daughters that girls can be champions too.

There are three things wrong with this tale: 1) If Sasha and Malia were watching their father watching television, how can he be sure they weren’t learning a different lesson? Like “presidents can lazily watch sports highlight shows too.” 2) SportsCenter doesn’t cover anything but the Yankees and preseason football. They damn sure aren’t doing 45-second recaps of Shock games. 3) This weak recollection isn’t even new. It’s the same thing he told to the WNCAA Champion Connecticut Huskies.

If you’re going to regurgitate stories (something that almost everyone does), shouldn’t he come up with a better story to regurgitate?

But wait, it gets worse.

The NBA’s Shaquille O’Neal, in town to do some wrasslin‘, figured he was bigger than the Detroit Shock (Physically? Check. Egotistically? Check. Pop Culturally? Check.) so he tried to do a pop-in on the White House a few hours after the Shock left. It didn’t work and he was turned away by security, a site I would sell your first born to have seen. Alas, we can only assume that Obama, not unlike Jerry Seinfeld, like the pop-in.

NINA: (rolling eyes) This person does not believe in telephones, does she?
JERRY: She likes the pop-in. I’ve told her how I hate the pop-in.
(pointing to George) He likes the pop-in, too.
GEORGE: I just popped in now. I’m a big pop-in guy.
JERRY: Yeah.
GEORGE: How ’bout Kramer.
JERRY: HUGE pop-in guy!

- from “Seinfeld” Season 3, episode 21: The Letter

If Obama’s our first “basketball president,” why not let the Diesel in to take a look around the Roosevelt Room or something?

Perhaps I’m being unfair. The guy is busy … the guy is our PRESIDENT, for cryin’ out loud. He can’t love everything and lord knows women’s basketball can be unlovable. So is O’Neal come to think of it. So maybe Monday’s actions were all just a fluke. I mean, he wouldn’t seem so half-hearted when it comes to his teams, the White Sox and Bulls, right?

Ugh. Listen to the end of that link. Sox outfielder DeWaye Wise makes the biggest catch of his career, the biggest catch of the season and one of the biggest catches of all-time and the No. 1 White Sox fan in the country calls him DeWayne Weiss. This is almost as tragic as the Bob Costas interview from two weeks ago in which Obama calls Comiskey Park, the stadium in which his favorite team played for over a century – Cominsky Park.

Cominsky Park? You can’t say that. That’s like David Ortiz wearing a Yankee cap or a Bulls fan acting graciously toward the worst basketball player in the history of the NBA …

Photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via AP

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Is that Bill Laimbeer! Is Barack Obama shaking hands with the guy who spent five years elbowing Michael Jordan in the ribcage anytime he went near the basket?! You see? This is what I’m talking about. If Obama was truly a sports fan, more specifically a Chicago sports fan and most specifically a Chicago basketball sports fan, there’s just no way he wouldn’t have punched Bill Laimbeer in the face here. No way. Leader of the free world or not, a die-hard woulda given him five across the eyes. Look at his left hand in this picture. It’s slightly tense, ready to make a fist, like he knows what he should do with it.

Weak sauce, Barry.

Truth is, it’s unimportant to me (and many Americans) if Obama is uninterested in athletics. I need him to care about sports about as much as I need a new hole in the head. It’s the idea that he has (or we have) projected this basketball-playing, Southside-rooting, ESPY White House guest list listing character onto him and he’s played the part instead of being it.

Be the part, Prez or quit playin’.

Here’s a recap of the weirdest or most overlooked sports stories on the Interweb this week. Plus, as you’ve come to expect, definitive proof of what happens when you let futbol-ers have it their way.

Monday This Canadian Football League catch is 10 types of nifty; 20 types if you pretend it happened in the NFL. Football
Tuesday A last-place open water swimmer took so long, they were handing out medals while he finished. Swimming
Wednesday Miami Airport is looking for ways to depress passengers even more. I’ve got it! Install a horse track. Horse Racing
Thursday Former unknown White Sox pitcher discusses reasons for juicing that don’t make him sound like a d-bag. Baseball
Friday THIS is how you volleyball! Volleyball
Saturday It’s not the shark mascot who’s banned from the uppity club, it’s his fancy clothes … and perhaps his flute? Cricket
Sunday The best picture of a) Shaq and b) a panda you’ll ever see … ever. Basketball
Eighth Day These soccer jerseys are just begging for the Hamburglar to bring the ruckus.

Although it was not the first instance of Twitter in sports, then-Milwaukee Buck Charlie Villanueva sent out a tweet during halftime and caught all sorts of crazy publicity about how unprofessional the act was. Then Shaquille O’Neal did the same thing all sneaky style because a) he wanted to prove he could get away with it – because he’s an egoist and b) he wished he’d thought of it in the first place.

Then the people that get paid to analyze and illuminate sports analyzed this situation and illuminated the whole tweet development as a vaguely negative phenomenon.

Most of Twitter’s sports press either uses them as any other source or as something slowly sapping the blood from their veins. Many writers feel that athletes like Lance Armstrong suddenly have the power to put them out of business, instead of keeping them working in it.

Armstrong boycotted the journalists at this year’s Giro d’Italia, opting instead to send out progress updated tweets, leaving journalists no choice but to tuck their tails between their legs and quote the feed. You have to assume the sportswriters took to Armstrong’s tweets like a busted investment banker takes to serving venti half-caf’ vanilla lattés at his new Starbucks barista position.

All middlemen think they’re worthwhile. You know who doesn’t? Everyone else. The moral of the Armstrong story is that he didn’t want to talk to journalists, so he didn’t. And the common cycling fan was just as empowered to keep tabs on Armstrong as a credentialed reporter. With the way athletes have branded Twitter into the flesh of their public existence, the role of journalist is shifting right along with the definition of what one is.

Cincinnati Bengal Chad Johnson Ochocinco has already threatened to tweet throughout next season’s games even though the NFL said it won’t be tolerated (shocker). Guys like “85″ have the potential to really blow the roof off of Twitter because fans want these tweets to be “real.” Fans want a revealing look into the life experiences of a pro athlete. And while a lot of stars are too corporately managed to say anything worth anyone’s attention, not everyone will be as vapid. Some of the stars that fail to filter themselves in interviews will likely do the same on Twitter, but with tons more grammatical errors.

Granted, not every tweet scheme is gold. Generally unknown and unliked tennis player, Justin Gimelstob, sent messages to a ball girl to pass along to fellow U.S. player Sam Querrey parked on the sidelines. Querrey then updated Gimelstob’s Twitter feed in-game. Technically, there’s nothing wrong with this since Gimelstob himself never posted a tweet. But when you stop to consider the 10 seconds here and there that he used to jot down useless information like scores and one-word adjectives throughout the match, it really didn’t add anything to the fan’s experience of tennis.

And for the scared sports journalists out there who absolutely must attack new social media, your real reason to dislike Twitter isn’t because it threatens sports writing (it doesn’t) but because it encourages athlete’s egos. Gimelstob added nothing with his play-by-play recaps, but he felt he did (similar to how I feel I’m somehow adding to a discussion about in-game tweeting despite most people already having made up their mind about the topic).

If it’s not players mistaking their own narcissism for serving their sport, it’s the media themselves trying to figure out Twitter’s best use. The Washington Post announced Thursday its plans to collect tweets from Nationals fans (all five of ‘em) at the home games over a period of 10 days and then regurgitate them onto the Post. Again, not every use of Twitter is a good one. While I applaud one of America’s most respected news sources for trying … something, this won’t add value. Fans don’t care about random tweets, they care about very specific tweets from specific people (mostly players and important team personnel).

What are we worried about with these in-game tweets? Players becoming distracted? Leaked play strategy for the other team to intercept? Some boneheaded player typing some boneheaded sentiment? All these problems exist already and all have been dealt with. Twitter wouldn’t be any different. What would be different is the unprecedented access to the athlete’s lives. Anyone aware of the reality programming/ tabloid culture we live in understands how our society craves intimate looks into people’s lives. The more famous the better.

But it isn’t just pros getting in on the action. The St. Paul Saints minor league baseball team will host an all social media night where the players and coaching staff are not only allowed, but encouraged to update their Facebook status and send tweety Twitter twittles throughout the game. The pitching coach for the Saints even said he’d tweet while making a trip to the pitcher’s mound.

Sigh.

First of all, it’s a minor league game. I doubt tickets are so scarce that scads of people are forced to stay home watching Twitter feeds of the Saints rattle off for three hours. The fans that care will be there. What are the odds that any of these jokers will have anything to say? Services like Twitter should be an outlet for a pre-existing need, not a void that people should find whatever rubble they can with which to fill it.

But at least the Saints – like the Washington Post – are open to the medium in the first place. It’s a start, right? Every sports outlet in every city throughout the world wants to bring fans closer to their favorite sport, right? Well, ain’t nothin’ closer than the immediate, unedited musings of the athletes themselves.

And although it isn’t a flawless system, it is a promising one that could use a lot more embracing and a lot less chastising.

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Pictures courtesy of Flickr

Here’s a recap of the weirdest or most overlooked sports stories on the Interweb this week. Plus, as you’ve come to expect, “enough rain to fluff up the leaves a little bit.”

Monday After seeing this video, the .582 lifetime free throw shooting Shaquille O’Neal felt it was a good idea to challenge him to a $1,000 game of H-O-R-S-E. NBA
Tuesday Olympic default silver medalist removes the monkey off his back, gives medal to true silver medalist. Track & Field
Wednesday Wimbledon competitor suffers from grass allergies. Yup. I know that’s why I never made Wimbledon. Tennis
Thursday A series of pictures in which NBA rookies look as if they have to take a family portrait next to a smelly uncle. NBA
Friday Churchill Downs will damn near give away beer if you come see he horsies run at night. Horse Racing
Saturday Racketeer Jelena Jankovic blames her Wimbledon loss on “women problems.” I take that to mean “lack of reason and accountability.” Tennis
Sunday Bobby Josh Womack, the minor leaguer with the sweet bat flip trick, has a few more up his sleeve. Baseball
Eighth Day Carl Spackler’s searching for gophers at the U.S. Open.

HBO insiders said that the volatility of Artie Lange‘s appearance on the premiere episode of HBO’s “Joe Buck Live” sparked those involved to ditch the comedy portion of the show and retreat to the more vanilla format of the other HBO sports programs from Bryant Gumbel and Bob Costas.

It’s an odd decision all around. After all, the show A) airs on HBO, a channel known for not shying away from hot-button conversation from the mouths of controversial people (see: Maher, Bill), B) had only one episode and they’re doing away with the only thing people talked about from it and C) was touted as a forum to display Joe Buck’s long-hidden wit and humor.

The odd thing about this deletion of “blue” comedy is that it is what Joe Buck asked for, according to Lange in an interview with ESPN’s Michael Irvin:

Joe Buck came to me in the green room and said, “Listen, let me have it. You know what, you guys are here because you’re comedians.’” He said he’s a fan of mine, he knows what I do … and Joe said, “Let me have it.’” Ross Greenburg, the producer, said to me – and I regret this because I love Paul Rudd and Jason [Sedeikis] – he said, “Art, if this segment gets boring with these other two guys, you get in there and really inject some energy and go crazy.’” On HBO, you tell me something like that, I’m gonna … run with it.

The problem seems to be that Lange didn’t make or understand the distinction between HBO programming and HBO Sports programming (why would he?) and that Buck didn’t make the distinction for Lange. In a radio interview with Buck on the Dan LeBetard show, Buck corroborates Lange’s claims, clarifying that Buck hoped for a juicy PG-13 performance and got something much rawer, which has since led to the President of HBO banning Lange from making further appearances on his network. That’s one less person for Ari Gold to feel threatened by. From the LeBetard interview:

“It just got a little dirty, which is the problem I had with it. I swear to you, [Lange] gave us exactly what he thought we wanted, for that I don’t fault the guy. He was performing and I needed to be more specific on what we wanted.”

The two stories seem to match one another. Neither – if true – would explain why a show dedicated to utilizing Buck’s sports acumen and his humor would rid itself of one of those two things after one misstep. Buck doesn’t seem to have been penalized by HBO (unless you count having to do more shows in September as punishment, which I do). Isn’t this miscommunication partly his fault? And even if it isn’t, and Lange deserves his blacklisting, why scrub away the comedic residue away from the show?

Unless of course, Joe Buck realized that he’s not television funny, he’s just sports funny. You know the difference, I’m sure. Sports funny is like NBA stars Chris Bosh and Baron Davis trading video skits. It’s noteworthy because athletes are showing a different emotion other than boredom or intensity. It doesn’t take a whole lot for the media to get a kick out of certain athletes. Look at how much attention Shaquille O’Neal’s Twitter page gets. Real-world funny is like Pryor, Rock, Carlin, Bruce or y’know … Bob Newhart (seriously, if you haven’t checked out Newhart, he’s side-splitting).

Honestly, who ISN’T funny when you sit him in a booth next to Tim McCarver? It’s like hearing about how Sen. Hillary Clinton has never had the chance to let her wit and humor shine through in public. Is it that she hasn’t had the chance or that she tries, but her wit doesn’t translate in front of a broader public?

I believe people think Joe Buck is clever (none more so than Buck himself, I’m sure), but a lot of this show was predicated on Buck being able to shake loose and get a little more relaxed in front of an audience. In his first show, he never did it. The only one who did is now banned and the producers are calling an audible on the show’s original philosophy.

That points to a gaggle of writers, producers and talent suddenly realizing they didn’t have a clear view of how to be funny or what funny looks like in a talk show format. It might not look like Artie Lange, but it sure don’t look like Joe Buck either.

I always said if I ever made the Lakers, I’d take an extra aggressive dive into the L.A. cheerleaders in my first week. Well, unseeded Michael Llodra must have had the same thought during Wednesday’s Wimbledon second round. Since there aren’t any dancers in the tournament, Llondra was compelled to collide with 15-year-old ball girl Erin Lorencin and the judge’s high chair. VIDEO

The injury was bad enough that after his next serve – 20 minutes into the match – Llodra was forced to retire. Lorencin, not quite as hurt as Llodra, barely knew what hit her.

“I don’t remember much,” Lorencin said. “I was really confused. I was very shocked. I really didn’t expect it to happen. It is really embarrassing. My little brother was very pleased and laughing.”

World No. 34 Tommy Haas, the winner of the Wimbledon warm-up Queen’s Cup tournament, waltzed into the third round, but not before tossing a little extra tennis the Centre Court fans’ way. He volleyed with a ball boy and ball girl Chloe Chambers (without collapsing on either of them) to provide the cheated crowd with a bit more tennis.

In honor of Llodra’s early exit, Sidelines looks at the five best sideline collisions after the jump. Cheerleaders will be involved as often as possible.

5. If he didn’t get this girl’s number, there’s no hope for him

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4. (tie) Shaq goes cougar diving

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That’s a 300 lbs. guarantee that you’re gonna spill your beer

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3. Note to Clippers: Check Blake Griffin’s coccyx
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2. Devin Harris stole my move!

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1. Jeter comes up bloody

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Sun forcing an excited Trevor Ariza to back off during Kobe's 'me time.'

SIDELINES: Monkey King – I hope you don’t mind if I call you Monkey King – what was the first thing you did when you got back to the locker room after Game 5 in Orlando?
MONKEY KING: I helped some of the traveling assistants prepare all the champagne bottles and made sure the tarps were secured around the players’ stuff.
S: Really? You weren’t on the court giving interviews to the Chinese media or anything?
MK: (Laughs) Oh, no. Heavens, no. No one over there remembers I’m on this team. They patiently waited for a chance to talk to Mr. Bryant.
S: Kobe?
MK: I call him Mr. Bryant. He asks that I call him that.
S: Why?
MK: Anything less would confuse our professional relationship. It’s part of the deal we’ve worked out.
S: What deal?
MK: I sit with him on the team plane and stop other teammates from talking to him when he’s tired or listening to Matchbox 20 and in return he…well, he lets me do that.
S: Kobe Bryant listens to Matchbox 20?

Exhibit A: Kobe Bryant is only happy when Sun makes him Salt 'n' Pepa mixes.

MK: Not just Matchbox 20, but that is his favorite. I burn him mixed cds from all the illegal songs he makes me download. He said he’d download them, but he doesn’t want to risk getting caught. Which makes sense. It’s for the good of our team that he not get caught. I’m happy to risk it. That’s one of the reasons I deserve the ring. We would never win a championship if Mr. Bryant was upset all season, right? My job on this team is to make sure Mr. Bryant and sometimes Lamar are happy.
S: Some would say your job is to learn how to run Phil Jackson’s offense; probably by watching Derek Fisher.
MK: Interesting, but ultimately, false. Also, please don’t tell Mr. Bryant that I ever help Lamar.
S: Do you have any other duties on this team?
MK: Coach Jackson told me to stay out of his way once in December. So I started doing that.
S: You couldn’t totally have avoided him. After all you played 28 minutes spread out over 10 games this season.
MK: Yes, that’s true. But most of the time I just sat next to [D.J.] Mbenga. Coach would point for him to enter the game and I’d get up thinking he was pointing at me. Most of the time Coach Jackson would tell me to sit down. But every so often he’d stop paying attention long enough for me to slip onto the court.
S: To hear you tell it, you played a very limited role on this Laker team. Why do you feel you earned a ring just as much as anyone else?
MK: Everyone has a role on this team. For example, Trevor’s is to be a relentless help defender as well as premiere yo-yo artist. Pau does an excellent impression of James Brown and me? I make Mr. Bryant happy. I rub his feet, pre-sip his Gatorade to make sure it hasn’t been poisoned and I am his alibi when he’s lying to his wife. Can we not all agree that making Mr. Bryant happy is of the utmost importance in winning a championship?
S: If that were true, Monkey King, how did Kobe Bryant manage to win three championships with Shaquille O’Neal?
MK: (Blank stare) This interview is over …

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Photos courtesy of Yahoo! via Getty Images