Here’s a recap of the weirdest or most overlooked sports stories on the Interweb this week. Plus, as you’ve come to expect, LaMotta wraps his fist in a dish towel and opens up MMA’s stitches.

Monday Who walks onto a long jump course while there’s long jumpin’ going on? Gabi Szabo, that’s who. And it was awesome! Long jump
Tuesday Fist bumps for everyone but Phil. Dude, I’ve totally been there. Basketball
Wednesday The Celtics coulda been named the Whirlwinds or the Unicorns. More like shoulda been. Basketball
Thursday No matter how old I get, mascot shenanigans will never get old. Mascot shenanigans
Friday Babe Ruth called his shot in 1927. Cliff Lee was unimpressed in 2009. Baseball
Saturday A giant Guitar Hero rigged to respond to soccer kicks, you say? I’m listening. Soccer
Sunday The future of golf course maintenance? Goats. You heard me. Golf
Eighth Day Jake LaMotta, on whose life “Raging Bull” was based, called MMA “savage” and “out of control.” Pot. Kettle. Black. MMA

Michael Jordan will be inducted into the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame this September. As part of the enshrinement, MJ will be introduced by a current hall of famer.

But who to choose? Jordan’s career spans over 20 years from his freshman year at UNC to his final season with the Wizards. Who could possibly be worthy to introduce the greatest player in NBA history? And more importantly, what would that person say?

To whittle down the list, we chose nine current Hall of Famers and two other worthy candidates (MJ doesn’t need to totally abide by the rules) and thought about what they could possibly say. With that, we present “Hall of Fame Introductions for Michael Jordan.”

 
Phil Jackson
“…I think MJ was great in his time. But he worked within the framework of the triangle offense. And really, that’s the key to his success. I’m not saying anyone can win with that offense, but I just won my tenth title with the likes of Sasha Vujacic and D.J. Mbenga. Did you know that’s more titles than Red Auerbach won? I’ll be over at the shrimp buffet signing autographs of my new book. It’s a re-telling of ‘Dharma Bums’ with a basketball twist. Oh, and congratulations, MJ.”

Charles Barkley
“…I don’t know what I can say about MJ that hasn’t been said. He’s the best basketball player ever. He’s even a pretty good golfer. The only thing I could ever beat him at was eating. One time we each got six-foot party subs. I finished mine in about an hour, but he was begging for mercy after about two feet. You’re the greatest, Michael, but you’d be a lousy fat guy.”

Clyde Drexler
“…A great historical figure cannot rise to the occasion without a worthy foe. Kennedy needed Nixon, and Sherlock Holmes needed Moriarty. And though I’m sorry Isiah Thomas couldn’t be here today, I’m glad to stand here as one of the many backs MJ had to break on his way to greatness. I can honestly say that the beatdowns he gave me during practices before the 1992 Olympics caused me to cry nocturnally, even to this day. But hey, I picked up two rings during that short time that he was playing baseball, so I can’t complain. Thanks for the rings, Michael. Clutch City!”

Magic Johnson
“…I don’t know how to accurately describe MJ. When he’d drive the ball down the lane, Michael was like Moses parting the Sea of Tranquility. His jump shot was smoother than John Coltrane on ice skates. I just loved competing against him. Every time we beat Jordan’s Bulls, I felt like General Patton when he defeated the Spanish Armada. MJ’s the one guy you feared the most. In fact, I still fear him. I can honestly say this is the first time I’ve spoken to him in 10 years.”

Larry Bird
“…I’m not a man of many words, so I’ll just repeat what I said after MJ’s 63 point game in the 1986 playoffs. When I watch him play, sometimes I think it’s God disguised as Michael Jordan. Nowadays, I wish I had a guy with half of his talent on the Pacers, but instead, I’m stuck with Mike Dunleavy. Congratulations, Michael.”  

George Gervin
“…You know, if it wasn’t for MJ, I think kids these days would know who the hell I am. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be selling Iceman t-shirts in the back.”

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
“…MJ’s achievements are pretty remarkable. I mean, sure, he doesn’t lead the NBA in all-time minutes with 57,446, but he managed to find his way into the top 20, just behind Scottie Pippen. And sure, he didn’t create an impossible to block shot like the skyhook, but his dunks were pretty solid . And hey, “Space Jam” was a good movie, it was almost as funny as “Airplane”. You may not have my stats, MJ, but you’ve done pretty well my friend.”

Julius Erving
“…I am very honored to be up here today. MJ’s career only overlapped with mine for three seasons, but I’ve always wanted to say one thing to him … Thanks for stealing all my moves, jerk.”

Dean Smith
“…I hadn’t won a title before MJ came along. But unlike Phil Jackson, I couldn’t ride his coattails forever. I just hope that basketball fans always remember that I coached Michael Jordan in college, and not that wiener John Wooden, or that weirdo Mike Krzyzewski. Eat it, John and Mike. Dean Smith out.”

Charles Oakley
“…I know I’m not a hall of famer, but I wanted to tell a quick story before I head back to the shrimp buffet. One time, me and MJ were kicking it at the Bellagio. We’d been playing poker all night, and MJ was up $250,000 with just he and the dude from “Family Matters” left at the table. It’s 4 in the morning, and man MJ goes all in with eight-nine offsuit, so Urkel has to pony up or leave the table. Dude goes all in, and he throws down pocket rockets. I’m looking at MJ like he’s dead to rights. But wouldn’t you know it, Mike catches the straight on the river. Quarter million won right there. Urkel is toast. MJ takes his wallet, his daddy’s watch…MJ even took his shoes. Poor guy had to walk home barefoot!….Best night of my life. You’re the best, MJ.”

Kwame Brown
“….I’m not a hall of famer either, but I came here to tell MJ that he ruined my career. I could have been a Hall of Famer too if he hadn’t drafted me. He still won’t look me in the eye. What did I do wrong, Michael. You chose me, you chose me!!”

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Jackson, Bird photos courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via Getty
All other photos courtesy of Flickr

On Sunday, Laker coach Phil Jackson was interviewed on KLAC radio in Los Angeles about the ongoing development with his team, including the somewhat surprising acquisition of forward Ron Artest. For most members of the media, the arrival of Ron-Ron in LaLa Land was an unforeseeable development. For Phil Jackson, it was something that was foreseeable 13 months ago.

Jackson was asked if Kobe Bryant – similar to Michael Jordan – ever had input on the acquisitions of player personnel from year to year. Jackson never really answered the question, but dropped the following nugget instead.

After the Lakers lost by 539 points (actually just 39) in the sixth and final game of the 2008 Finals, Ron Artest, who was in the audience and still under contract with the Sacramento Kings inexplicably got into L.A.’s locker room and inexplicably found his way in front of Phil Jackson to offer up his services to the Lakers in the near future. All of this inexplicably happened without any of the STAPLES Center security categorically getting fired … inexplicably.

Are NBA players just allowed in all league locker rooms? Were the guards scared of Tru Warrier? Did bribery happen? Perhaps we’ll never know?

According to the Zen Master:

Ron said, “Coach, I can help your team, I can get that championship for the Lakers.’” I said, “Well, thanks Ron, that’s very nice, I appreciate your sympathies.  We’ll see what happens as you go through this year.’”

Phil Jackson is like a ninja. I have no problem believing that he sat there all Dracula-shouldered and calm listening to one of the most unpredictable athletes of the last 20 years stand in his locker room and audition like he was a Laker Girl. I also have no problem believing Jackson thought about the strangeness of such a disruption for less than two minutes after it happened. On to next season. New business.

Perhaps unfortunately for Kobe Bryant, Jackson didn’t feel the need to escort Ron-Ron out because instead of saying his peace and leaving, Artest went further.

He walked out of that coaches’ area, and in to the shower and told Kobe the same thing.  Kobe’s been knowing Ron’s intentions for the last two years … He didn’t soap down Kobe and he didn’t towel him off, I’m not saying that.

I won’t lie, if I was alone in a shower and saw Ron Artest standing there, I’d assume I had only seconds left to live. Why don’t Jackson and Bryant seem more confused or creeped out by Artest roaming the bowels of a stadium he doesn’t play for? The most entertaining thing about this story is not Ron Artest’s disregard for a) tact b) privacy and c) normalcy, it’s imagining how uncomfortable Bryant must have been shooting the breeze a) minutes after losing the NBA Finals b) with a player who is neither a teammate nor a friend and c) wet and naked, but not in sexy way.

Do you think they hugged at the end of Artest’s query? Did Bryant awkwardly grip a towel around his waste while shaking hands? Now that they are teammates, will Artest assume that the shower pop-in is an acceptable form of negotiation?

UPDATE: Bryant’s got his side of the story. Remarkably, it’s not much different from Jackson’s. “[Artest] came in there and he said, ‘This is not going to happen to you [again]. I’m going to come in here and help you out.’ He wound up being in Houston, and [then] took us to Game 7. But he’s here now. It’s something we’ve both been trying to make happen for a while and here it is.”

The only other question is how much Bryant spent on the diamond he gave his wife after she found out he and Artest showered together.

Listen to the full radio interview HERE

Halfway through this year’s Wimbledon tournament, stories popped up after a spokesman from the All England Club said that the people who schedule the matches to the courts tend to give the prime spots to the more attractive female athletes. Not surprisingly, the media and the blogosphere (unless bloggers are counted as members of the media, which my lack of a press pass suggests they are not) cried foul and sexism and sexism fouls and foul sexism.

The weirdest thing about the sudden hubbub over hot tennis players is that really, the Wimbledon play committee is far less guilty of it than even they’ve suggested.

Quick! Name five current female tennis players. I’ll give you a second to think of it. Either you can rattle off 25 of them, in which case, congratulations, you’re a tennis fan or you’re like most Americans and can only come up with four: 1) Venus and 2) Serena Williams, 3) Maria Sharapova and 4) Anna … Kour … Korny … Kournicopia … Korcoran … well, whateverhernameis. Hot chick.

Admit it. I’m right aren’t I? Don’t shake your head. I can read your thoughts. That’s how I knew you meant Anna Kournikova (who hasn’t played a professional tennis match since 2003, by the way).

I’m not a shill for Wimbledon, nor am I claiming that various forms of sexism do not permeate the sport. They do, they exist at Wimbledon, but not in such an open-and-shut manner as has been tossed around the Internet lately. The gist is that someone like Maria Kirilenko is hotter than someone like No. 1-ranked Dinara Safina and therefore – Safina’s rank be damned – Kirilenko gets Centre Court.

Eight days have passed in Wimbledon with nine women’s matches on Centre Court in that time. It is important to note that in that same span, 15 men’s matches have been played at Centre Court. More on that in a bit.

The conspiracy theorists jumping all over this story lean on the philosophy that the best competitors (the top-ranked females, presumably) should yield the brightest spotlight. Of the nine ladies matches on Centre Court in the first eight days of competition, six of them showcased a top-ranked women. So let us be clear: We’re only talking about three matches that can possibly offend anyone…

Look at the list of Centre Court ladies matches:

Photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via AP

DAY 1: (2) Serena Williams def. Neuza Silva
DAY 2: (3) Venus Williams def. Stefanie Voegel
DAY 3: Gisela Dulko def. (24) Maria Sharapova
DAY 4: (9) Caroline Wozniacki def. Maria Kirilenko
DAY 5: (8) Victoria Azarenko def. (28) Sorana Cristea
DAY 6: (3) Venus Williams def. C.S. Navarro
DAY 7: (1) Dinara Safina def. (17) A. Mauresmo
DAY 8: (1) Dinara Safina def. Sabine Lisicki
(2) Serena Williams def. (8) Victoria Azarenka

Besides a shocking amount of vowels, what do you see in this list? Days 3-5 (listed in red) are clearly the matches that compelled the Daily News article to say, “While a succession of easy-on-the-eye unknowns have appeared in Wimbledon’s prime arena, the top women’s seeds have been relegated to lesser courts.”

Here’s what I’m willing to concede about those three days: Higher ranked players were playing somewhere other than Centre Court. I’ll also concede that while the top-ranked were elsewhere, attractive tennis players were at Centre Court. Six of ‘em.

Here’s what I’m unwilling to concede:  That they are unknowns.

First off, don’t call Maria Sharapova an unknown. She’s known. She’s very known. She’s more known than you and me combined. Stop it. On Day 4, when Venus Williams was on Court 1 and Safina took Court 2, up-and-comer Caroline Wozniacki defeated Maria Kirilenko at Centre Court. Wozniacki had just made a splash at the French Open a few weeks before and, oh yeah … she’s the ninth-ranked woman in the world. Let’s say that despite being one of the 10 best female tennis players in the world, Wozniacki is still unknown, isn’t that all the more reason to get her onto a prominent platform to promote the sport? You’ll be hard-pressed to find people knowledgeable about tennis who aren’t bored with the Williams sisters’ absolute domination for the past decade. It makes more sense to showcase players outside the top three early in the tournament because the likelihood that they’ll be around later dwindles with each round. The next day Victoria Azarenka (ranked one spot above Wozniacki) defeated No. 28 Sorana Cristea. Safina and Venus Williams had the day off, which only left Serena. Where was Serena? On Court 2 battling it out with unseeded Roberta Vinci.

Sophisticated tennis fans would more likely prefer to watch two ranked players, right? Isn’t there a better chance for close competition between any two seeds than a  No. 2 and a non-seed? Unsophisticated fans probably just want to watch hot chicks grunt. Either way, Wimbledon made the right call.

From The Daily Mail:

The fact that many seats remained empty for the Cristea-Azarenka clash implies that the knowledgeable SW19 crowd were underwhelmed by the tennis on offer. Which would suggest that attractive players are placed on Centre to amuse the BBC television audience, some of whom care more for a pretty face than a powerful forehand.

This brings me to my next non-concession: That the SW19 crowd is so sophisticated that they only follow “good tennis.” UPDATE: They don’t. From a Day 10 recap: “The [No.1 Dinara Safina v. No. 3 Venus Williams match opened before a half-full Centre Court as the crowd sought shade and refreshment after Serena’s almost three-hour victory over Russia’s Elena Dementieva in the day’s first semi-final."

Photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via Getty Images

Look at the picture on the left. This was taken at the conclusion of Wednesday’s Day 3 match between No. 24 Maria Sharapova and unseeded Gisela Dulko. Not too many empty seats, right? Surely all those sophisticated strawberries ‘n’ cream-eaters showed up for more than the grunting. No. They’re there for the same reason people watch Venus and Serena: because the Sharapova Supernova is known and marketed like any other marquee athlete. There’s nothing wrong with this, but there’s a difference between marketing and sexism. C’mon people, this is sports here. Stop acting like this circus hasn’t rolled into town countless times before. Most fans – even rabid basketball fans – don’t go to a Lakers game to see solid execution of Phil Jackson‘s triangle offense. They go to see Kobe Bryant drop some awesomeness on the other team.

The final concession that I’m unwilling to make is that the female players whom are most deserving of the Centre Court spot are being denied the honor. It’s not true. At least not insofar as some other female players are getting more of a shot.

Both Roger Federer and Andy Murray (ranked No. 2 and 3 in the world respectively) were easily the favorites coming into this year’s Wimbledon. In the first eight days, they’ve each played on Centre Court four times. The top three females have each made it to Centre Court twice in that same span.

On the surface, this just proves that the cream of the female crop isn’t getting the same play that the cream of the male crop is. This is true, but not because prettier ladies are taking up valuable spots. It’s because of the men. There’s a bigger problem than favoring beauty at Wimbledon, it’s favoring men. They spend twice as much time on Centre Court as the ladies. Why? Well because the ATP has heftier competition (and bigger draws because of it).

It would be naive to pretend physical beauty plays no part in player popularity and exposure. It does. But one player’s beauty would not get her on Centre Court alone; that part of this entire storyline has been blown way out of proportion. The Daily News, BBC and dozens of blogs this week started blaming the leaves, when the roots are the problem. Until the WTA, Wimbledon and other tennis tournaments begin making as many of its players as exciting and varied as the men, they’ll be stuck in the same rut they are in now: no one knows half of the top 10 seeds and Anna Kournikova remains one of the few female players anyone can name.

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Sun forcing an excited Trevor Ariza to back off during Kobe's 'me time.'

SIDELINES: Monkey King – I hope you don’t mind if I call you Monkey King – what was the first thing you did when you got back to the locker room after Game 5 in Orlando?
MONKEY KING: I helped some of the traveling assistants prepare all the champagne bottles and made sure the tarps were secured around the players’ stuff.
S: Really? You weren’t on the court giving interviews to the Chinese media or anything?
MK: (Laughs) Oh, no. Heavens, no. No one over there remembers I’m on this team. They patiently waited for a chance to talk to Mr. Bryant.
S: Kobe?
MK: I call him Mr. Bryant. He asks that I call him that.
S: Why?
MK: Anything less would confuse our professional relationship. It’s part of the deal we’ve worked out.
S: What deal?
MK: I sit with him on the team plane and stop other teammates from talking to him when he’s tired or listening to Matchbox 20 and in return he…well, he lets me do that.
S: Kobe Bryant listens to Matchbox 20?

Exhibit A: Kobe Bryant is only happy when Sun makes him Salt 'n' Pepa mixes.

MK: Not just Matchbox 20, but that is his favorite. I burn him mixed cds from all the illegal songs he makes me download. He said he’d download them, but he doesn’t want to risk getting caught. Which makes sense. It’s for the good of our team that he not get caught. I’m happy to risk it. That’s one of the reasons I deserve the ring. We would never win a championship if Mr. Bryant was upset all season, right? My job on this team is to make sure Mr. Bryant and sometimes Lamar are happy.
S: Some would say your job is to learn how to run Phil Jackson’s offense; probably by watching Derek Fisher.
MK: Interesting, but ultimately, false. Also, please don’t tell Mr. Bryant that I ever help Lamar.
S: Do you have any other duties on this team?
MK: Coach Jackson told me to stay out of his way once in December. So I started doing that.
S: You couldn’t totally have avoided him. After all you played 28 minutes spread out over 10 games this season.
MK: Yes, that’s true. But most of the time I just sat next to [D.J.] Mbenga. Coach would point for him to enter the game and I’d get up thinking he was pointing at me. Most of the time Coach Jackson would tell me to sit down. But every so often he’d stop paying attention long enough for me to slip onto the court.
S: To hear you tell it, you played a very limited role on this Laker team. Why do you feel you earned a ring just as much as anyone else?
MK: Everyone has a role on this team. For example, Trevor’s is to be a relentless help defender as well as premiere yo-yo artist. Pau does an excellent impression of James Brown and me? I make Mr. Bryant happy. I rub his feet, pre-sip his Gatorade to make sure it hasn’t been poisoned and I am his alibi when he’s lying to his wife. Can we not all agree that making Mr. Bryant happy is of the utmost importance in winning a championship?
S: If that were true, Monkey King, how did Kobe Bryant manage to win three championships with Shaquille O’Neal?
MK: (Blank stare) This interview is over …

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Photos courtesy of Yahoo! via Getty Images