What I don’t understand is why not the Canadiens? They’re another Original Six team, they have a slightly better recent history (211 wins in the last five seasons as compared to Toronto’s 181) and they’re essentially named after your country anyway. How can this not be “Canada’s Team?” Sure, there’s that French twist, which separates them as being a Montreal squad vs. anywhere else. But let’s not kid ourselves. The influence may be much more prominent in Quebec but most of Canada is just varying degrees of French anyway. It’s not the same as if we named a team in the U.S. “Les Americains,” which I’m pretty sure translates in French to “Americans,” “fat ‘n’ lazy” or words I’m not allowed to print here, based on the context in which it is used.

On top of that, the Canadiens just had a pretty decent Cup run. So Canada, I think it is time to switch your loyalties, support your countrymen, the ones that give back, not just the ones that only take. Don’t let that little dialectical issue sway you. You can bet if we had a team called the “Alabama ‘Mericans” (don’t kid yourself, of course they’d be in Alabama), then we’d be all over it!

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Here’s a recap of the weirdest or most overlooked sports stories on the Interweb this week. Plus, as you’ve come to expect, bears are finally past giving condescending warnings about forest fires.

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Monday Interested in seeing a matador get gored in the crotch 4-inches deep? I know, right? Me too! Bull Fighting
Tuesday The WNBA: Where childhood abuse eventually leads to a career. Basketball
Wednesday Indians announcer Bruce Drennan saw last week’s episode of “Treme” and now he’s all about yellin’ into the YouTube. Baseball
Thursday A famous golfer involving himself with a porn star? Interesting. A DVD of that porn star talking about that involvement? Less so. Golf
Friday Deadspin.com’s Give-Tebow-A-Nickname contest is waaaay better than ESPN’s. My vote is for “Fail Mary.” College Football
Saturday Gilbert Arenas was released from his halfway house, but couldn’t remember the combo to his home’s security gate. Basketball
Sunday Funny or Die present: Jim Brockmire: A Legend in the Booth (a little NSFW language). Baseball
Eighth Day Does this mean all those hairy Kardashian sisters are Flyers fans?

Everyone that identifies as a “die-hard” hockey fan has been putting their blood, sweat and tears into their team for what feels like a lifetime, but have you ever wondered what the team is giving back in return? Sometimes fans are rewarded, like the hockey fans in Carolina. (I’m not being facetious! Put this season aside and look at their last 10 or so years.) Still bitter over the loss of the Whale? Maybe you should consider getting over it. Not only does Carolina rate well on the cost of living vs. household income scale, but in the past decade this frequent dark horse team has managed to pull off two Conference championships and a Stanley Cup victory.

Sometimes your team loyalty makes a nice trade-off for where you’re forced to call home. Example: Where do you not want to live right now? If for some reason you didn’t say “Detroit,” it’s probably because you missed the boat by a couple years and still think the correct answer is “New Jersey.” (Half-credit for Jersey, by the way.) But then which two NHL teams are the only multiple-Cup winners in the past 10 years? It’s not a trick question…

So by taking a look at each NHL city’s average household income, Cost of Living Index, average ticket price, and “payoff” in terms of post-season appearances, Stanley Cup Finals appearance and, of course, Stanley Cup Championships, we at SportScape have come with not necessarily an ordered list of the “best” teams, but a list of the best teams for your money. Call it the Bangbuck Index. I mean, you can call it whatever you’d like – we’re calling it the Bangbuck Index and you might want to join in so everyone doesn’t get confused.

We’re looking only at the last 10 years – the time that all current teams were in the league, and also to keep it relevant. No one feels like they’re getting a better deal being a Senators fan because they won four Cups in the ’20s.

Check our work, here’s the formula:

(((Average Household Income / (Cost of Living / 100)) / 12)/Average Ticket Price) *((1 + (playoff appearance + SC Finals appearance + SC Champions))/100) = Amount of “bang” for a buck; where playoff appearance = 1, SC Finals appearance = 2 and SC Champions = 5*

Got all that? On to the Bangbuck Index

1 Carolina Hurricanes = 14.63 – bang for your buck

2 New Jersey Devils = 13.29

3 Detroit Red Wings = 12.55

4 Colorado Avalanche = 12.05

5 Tampa Bay Lightning = 10.89 - it’s true!

6 Anaheim Ducks = 10.55

7 Ottawa Senators = 9.12 – Canada makes an appearance

8 Dallas Stars = 8.32

9 San Jose Sharks = 6.95

10 Pittsburgh Penguins = 6.91 – a little premature ticket inflation?

11 Calgary Flames = 6.79

12 St. Louis Blues = 4.68

13 Vancouver Canucks = 4.52

14 Edmonton Oilers = 4.24

15 Philadelphia Flyers = 3.50

16 Nashville Predators = 3.47

17 Montreal Canadiens = 3.40

18 Washington Capitals = 3.19 – this year could help them move up

19 Boston Bruins = 3.00

20 New York Islanders = 2.91

21 Buffalo Sabres = 2.69

22 New York Rangers = 2.55

23 Minnesota Wild = 2.00**

24 Chicago Blackhawks = 1.94 - It all rides on this year…

25 Phoenix Coyotes = 1.89

26 Toronto Maple Leafs = 1.76

27 L.A. Kings = 1.59

28 Columbus Blue Jackets = 1.50

29 Atlanta Thrashers = 1.45

30 Florida Panthers = 0.51 – Official “at least we’re not the…” team of the NHL!

* Sources for income and Cost of Living and other stats include state and national censuses, Kiplinger’s Personal Finance Magazine, NHL.com for ticket prices and various Canadian sources. Take the Canadian info with a grain of salt as we couldn’t always verify the accuracy of info or if the numbers used had been converted to USD or not.

** Minnesota Wild did not play in the 1999-2000 season, the first year taken into our standings. We apologize to Wild fans, but at the same time doubt the extra year would have affected much.

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Photos courtesy of Flickr

Of the 10 most expensive sports tickets, eight belong to NFL teams (including Nos. 1 and 2 the Dallas Cowboys and New England Patriots respectively), one belongs to the NBA’s L.A. Lakers (No. 4) and the Maple Leafs sit comfortably as the third most expensive game ticket in all of sports.

The Maple Leafs. The 21-33-12 Maple Leafs. The second-worst record in the league Maple Leafs. The dead-last-in-each-of-the-last-three seasons Maple Leafs.

What gives, Canada? Why are you paying an average of $114 to see what amounts to a semi-pro squad? $168 for a premium seat? $172 after it’s been converted into Canadian currency? $212 if you include the price for all the beer it would take to make a sane person enjoy watching a hockey game? As a Cubs fan, I understand about paying for the experience more than the performance, but this?

This is bizarre. Or ingenious. Or both. Probably both.

The Winter Games put an interesting strain on the loyalty of an NHL fan. It’s when you realize that not only is half of your favorite team Canadian, but 90 percent of those remaining affiliate themselves somewhere across the ocean. Clearly your first loyalties should lie with Team USA because if they don’t, you’re a “terrist.” (OK, fine, I suppose a scant handful of NHL fans are Canadian and we’ll let them cheer for Team Canada), but many fans would do well to pick up a second team.

In fact, some countries almost still look like your favorite team.

Every 2010 Olympic men’s hockey team has at least one NHLer on the roster. Starting in reverse order of how they were ranked pre-competition, we’ll let you know which fans might want to adopt each country as a ‘second team.’

Norway – 1 NHL player

You’d think this would be easy. One guy. Sent over from the Detroit Red Wings. Not that anyone needs to concern themselves with the thought of Norway taking the gold, but this should be a Wings team according to NHL fans right? Not so fast. Because the player in question is Ole-Kristian Tollefsen. And he has yet to actually play a game for Detroit. Sorry Norway, let’s hope you brought your own fans. You won’t find any here.

Latvia – 2 NHL players

Latvia doesn’t come off much better than Norway as I don’t imagine many NHL fans are clamoring to see Oskars Bartulis or Karlis Skrastins on the Olympic stage. Though if it really came down to a fight between Flyers fans and Stars fans, I have to think the Philly fans would win … because they will cut you. We’ll call Latvia a fringe team for Flyers fans.

Germany – 7 NHL players

OK, now we’re talking! Seven from the NHL. Way to infiltrate the Germans. (Or is that Germany infiltrating the NHL?) We haven’t reached the point where NHL super-stardom and the Olympics collide, but the Nashville Predators did send two of their guys along, while the other four NHL teams represented only sent one. So Nashville? Go ahead and root for Germany. The rest of us promise not to call you traitors. To your face.

Belarus – 5 NHL players

Belarus is actually less impressive in their NHL representation than it may appear. Of those five we have another Red Wing who hasn’t actually played a game with them and a Canadien who Montreal hopes will be ready to return from injury by the end of the Olympic break, but clearly will not be playing for his country. But the Canadiens still had two more players named to the Belarus team than almost any other NHL team, and two more Kostitsyns named than any team at all, so we forgive you, Montreal fans, if you’re keeping tabs on Belarus’ performance as well.

Slovakia – 12 NHL players

Good showing from the NHL here, though the only team sending multiple players is the Blackhawks. And did I mention one of them is Marian Hossa? Of course Hawks fans should be cheering for Slovakia as their second team. They have two players there and have made the Slovakian team enemies of half the NHL by including Hossa. In fact, I bet he’s really Bulgarian and just thought he’d have a better chance of medaling if he changed his nationality. (Note to Hossa: Next time pick Russian.) Still, congratulations Blackhawks, here is your second team.

Switzerland – 3 NHL players

After Switzerland, this gets easier. Three players, three teams sending them. I tried to focus on numbers of players (or at least numbers of games played with a team) more than who is sending the “best” players, but for the Swiss it seems the only NHL fans that have a legitimate claim to their team is the Ducks for shipping off No. 1 goalie Jonas Hiller.

USA – ALL NHL players

As we stated before, this one is a wash. One of two Olympic rosters comprised solely of NHLers. (Give me $20 if you can guess the other. It was worth a try…) Even if your NHL team isn’t represented here, it’s still “your team.”

Czech Republic – 16 NHL players

The Czech team has a good healthy mix with two players coming from the Thrashers, Senators and Wild, as well as 10 other NHL teams. But we’re not about to call this one for Atlanta, Ottawa, Minnesota or any of the other teams individually represented. The Czech Republic should serve only as a second team for Jaromir Jagr fans. I’m not sure which NHL team they may support in the regular season, but I’m betting there’s still more of them than Thrashers fans.

Finland – 18 NHL players

A handful of teams have two of their players included on the Finland roster, the Minnesota Wild is the only team with three. And considering their three are Niklas Backstrom, Mikko Koivu and Antti Miettinen, it’s perfectly fair if Wild fans reserve a special little place in their hearts for the Finnish team.

Sweden – 19 NHL players

Sweden could make a good second team for the Canucks (as if Vancouver, of all places, needed a ‘second team’ in this Olympics!) After all, they have sent the Wonder Twin power on to the Swedes, who many feel are medal contenders. But a quick glance at the roster shows Sweden can only truly be claimed by Detroit fans. Not only do they have four of their men playing for Sweden, but when one had to pull out due to injury, he was replaced with (who else?) another Red Wing. There’s more Wings playing for them than guys playing on Swedish teams total. The biggest confusion for Detroit fans choosing to back their second team should be “Why are the Wings wearing blue and yellow?”

Russia – 14 NHL players

Russia may have two Penguins to go with their three Capitals but this shouldn’t even be a question. As a second team? This one belongs to the Capitals. Evgeni Malkin is good, but that’s like ordering chicken because you can’t have steak. If a Pens fan isn’t cheering for Team USA, I suspect it’s only because they’re worshiping on the altar of Sidney Crosby. Meanwhile, the Caps have sent their own golden calf, Alexander Ovechkin, on to Team Russia, and added his ridiculously high-chemistry linemate Alexander Semin and goalie Semyon Varlamov to boot. D.C. fans might even have fond memories of how Sergei Federov (also on the team) was starting to get his second wind in his last years with the Capitals. So go ahead, Caps fans. Feel free to support Russia (as a second team only!) And we won’t call you Commies. But we might still think you’re spies.

But no matter who NHL fans choose for their second team, the Olympics should play out among fans by ultimately dividing them into the same two sides we’ve seen in the past few NHL seasons: Those who love Sidney Crosby … and those who want to see their team make him cry.

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Photo courtesy of Flickr

In 1995, when Chicago’s Frank Thomas was at the height of his powers as a premiere slugger, I stayed late after the game in hopes of catching him (or anyone on the White Sox roster, really) as they shuffled into their sports cars and sport utility vehicles. I didn’t have a watch, but it felt like the few dozens waiting outside the personnel parking lot were there for an hour. Finally, a few began trickling out. They’d sign a few autographs or, at the very least, wave to the group that had been waiting.

Eventually, the Big Hurt lumbered out to his Porsche (or Ferrari or Lamborghini. I can’t be sure. I’m not a car guy. It looked fast and expensive). He didn’t immediately acknowledge the crowd, instead he took out a few supplies from his trunk in order to wax his fast, expensive car. And there he stood, waxing his car, while a few dozen fans called out to him. An autograph, a point, a wave. A smile. Something.

Everyone waited. Certainly he’d come over after he finished with his car maintenance, right? Again, no watch, but it took him 20 minutes if it took him a second. And when he was done, he returned the products to his trunk and without ever looking at anyone who had waited for the best hitter on the planet at that time to say hello, he got into his car and drove off.

If I’d had eggs on me, I’d have unloaded every last one on that man’s car.

In the hour or so I stood there, Frank Thomas went from one of the most likable players in the league to one I’d never ever forgive.

But that’s not a hockey story and the headline of this post promised the greatest hockey story of all-time.

In an interview on NHL commissioner Gary Bettmen’s satellite radio show last week, newly retired, 8-time all-star Brendan Shanahan told a story about growing up a Toronto Maple Leafs fan in the early 80s and getting a chance to meet the team’s captain at the time Rick Vaive.

Shanahan recounted the story again for nj.com:

“When I was 14 years old I was skating in the summertime at a rink in Toronto. Rick Vaive happened to be skating at an adjoining rink and we were actually in dressing rooms that were right next to each other. I went in when he was sort of settled and asked him for an autograph. I didn’t get the best response from [him] at that time.”

Sadly, Shanahan doesn’t elaborate on what not getting the best response from Rick Vaive meant, but it’s causing me to have immediate traumatic flashbacks to shammies and containers of Turtlewax.

In ’83, Shanahan was 14 years old. By 1987, he was an 18-year-old rookie playing with the New Jersey Devils. And it would be the next time he’d run into his former icon.

“It was a quiet, uneventful game. He couldn’t believe the rage I had, not only in attacking him, but it took two (linesmen) to restrain me afterwards and throw me in the penalty box. He said to one of my teammates at the time, Jim Korn, ‘By the way, what’s wrong with that kid and why was he coming after me?’ Jim Korn said, ‘Apparently he asked you for an autograph when he was a little kid and you weren’t that friendly to him.’ ”

I’m not sure where to start with the awesomeness of this story. Perhaps Vaive had a good reason for not giving Shanahan the best impression. Honestly, I have no reason to think Vaive is jerk in everyday life. But it’s easy for me to believe he was a jerk to Shanahan in that one instance 26 years ago. And for that, and for any fan who has ever asked a celebrity for something small like an autograph only to be rejected, this story is as heartwarming as a glass of eggnog.

It’s also kinda great because Shanahan clearly ended up being the better player of the two, enough so that it allowed the capper on this story to happen.

“Three years ago, [Vaive] came up to me at the Air Canada Centre in Toronto and introduced me to his 14-year-old son. I signed the autograph, took a picture and gave him a piggy-back. I didn’t want karma to come back and get me.”

Good for Shanahan, but if Frank Thomas ever asks me for anything, I fully intend to ignore him while buffing out the scratches on my Hyundai.

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Photos courtesy of Flickr

Through the astounding scientific method of choosing a game at random and then making it say whatever we feel like, we at Sidelines have saved hockey fans the trouble of wondering about the outcome of at least one upcoming game. Through flawless analysis we can predict with only a 50 percent chance of error how the odds will play for these two cross-division rivals in the City of Brotherly Love.

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The Basics: Washington 17-5-6 vs. Philadelphia 13-11-1 Adv. Washington

Road Warriors or Hometown Heroes: Washington 8-3-3 vs. Philly 8-5-1 Adv. Washington … by a nose

Best drinking game: Well, the obvious game here would be every time Alex Ovechkin takes a shot which would have you drunk as a skunk by the first period. But since he’ll be serving out the end of his suspension, we’ll have to go with every time someone gets a Pronger elbow where it don’t belong. While maybe not “skunk-drunk,” this should still serve the purpose Adv. Philadelphia

Name-basis only: Could a Capital beat a Flyer? Initially a tough call as neither one of these makes any sense in a fight. What’s a Capital? As in a capital letter? A state’s capital? Capital punishment? Let’s go with the last one, as it clearly deals the most damage. And yet, I say a Flyer could still beat a Capital. Any “flyer” who can escape like this with a gun pointed at his head would probably have no trouble evading a little lethal injection. Adv. Philadelphia

First Blood: Yeah, so we’ve all seen the Ballard-SMASH! on Vokoun. I’m counting on Ray Emery to make it look like that tickled if that annoying Semin punk gets in his way. Adv. Philly

How you can convince your girlfriend to watch the game with you: Again, no sparkling Russian, so the Capitals really have nothing to offer here. And I can’t imagine what the Flyers have to offer the ladies unless your lady happens to like guys who rough it up on the ice, in which case no convincing is needed. Adv. No points given for lack of effort

The Verdict: Philly 3, D.C. 2

This should be all the proof you need that the numbers alone don’t always tell the whole story.

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Photo courtesy of Flickr

Through the astounding scientific method of choosing a game at random and then making it say whatever we feel like, we at Sidelines have saved hockey fans the trouble of wondering about the outcome of at least one upcoming game. Through flawless analysis we can predict with only a 50 percent chance of error how things are going to go down for at least one game this weekend.

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The Basics: Calgary 12-6-2 vs. L.A. 13-8-2 Adv. L.A.

Road Warriors or Hometown Heroes: Calgary 6-1-2 vs. L.A. 5-3-1 Adv. Calgary

Best drinking game: Any time you see “Miikka Kiprusoff” on the screen and think it’s misspelled vs. Every time the announcers fall all over themselves at the fact that Anze Kopitar is leading in points.

Not sure which one of these will be more effective in the beginning, but I like Calgary’s better since it clearly has the potential to get progressively more difficult the more you drink. “Naaaaah, there’s FIVE i’s in Miikka, I swear!” “No, NO! There’s only four, DRINK!” Adv. Calgary

Name-basis only: Could a Flame beat a King? Uh … goooooood night, everybody! Adv. So … we’re going to call this a draw

First Blood: Or which team is most likely to start a fight? The Flames come off as the more physical team, but I gotta give it to L.A. simply because Calgary has this on their team. Oh sure, the Flames may provide the instigation, but who wouldn’t want to wipe that smirk off his face? If anyone’s throwing punches, I’m betting it’s L.A. Adv. L.A.

How you can convince your GF to watch the game with you: The fans! Oh boy, it’s in L.A. and you never know when you could catch Jack Nicholson or Leonardo DiCaprio or … oh wait, that’s at Laker’s games. Still, I think topping the bill at Flames games is a sighting of the town dentist. Adv. L.A.

The Verdict:

L.A.: 3.5, Calgary: 2.5

Sorry Flamers, but we’re going to go ahead and call this an OT loss, just in case we later discover in Battle of the Mascots that yes, a Flame actually can beat a King.

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Photo courtesy of Flickr

Recently another high school team wiped the floor with their opponent, as the Chaminade-Madonna football squad beat the Pompano Beach team for an 83-0 finish.

These lopsided battles are looking less like victories as the winning team must defend why they were so much better. This sort of controversy was recently visited, less than a year ago, when the Covenant High School in Dallas girls’ basketball team knocked out a 100-0 game. The girls were chastised for the seemingly over-the-top win. They even allowed themselves to be guilted into an apology (it’s a Christian school after all) and then when the coach pointed out the facts, that the girls “played the game the way it was meant to be played”, he was fired. That right there sounds just as extreme as losing a basketball game by a 100-point margin while remaining scoreless. Way to lead by example.

But back to the football game. This was not a ‘gimme’ game. It wasn’t the #1 Class AAA school laying a smackdown on Hick’s Crossings Second Chance High for Wayward Children of Malnourished Immigrants. The teams played the entire second half with a running clock. They pointed out that the scoreless Pompano Beach actually beat them last year. All this was is a game that happened to end up more one-sided than most. It was an honest competition, possibly with some extra luck on one side.

So rather than be upset by the score spread, I think we should be upset at the idea of questioning it, at reprimanding a team for daring to…well, for daring to be so good. Sure, the parents and coaches can get upset and hurl words like “humiliation” and “integrity” around, but what is their solution? And where does the coddling end? Isn’t high school the place where you stop being polite and start being real?

In 1991, the Cleveland Cavaliers took the Miami Heat for a 148-80 ride, a margin of 68 points. In 1944 the Detroit Red Wings dominated the New York Rangers 15-0. (Given that you’re more likely to see a 1-0 NHL games than, say, a 5-0 game, that’s quite the spread as well.) Do you think either of these teams were chastised for the humiliation they brought upon their opponents? It’s more likely the Heat and Rangers were forced to wear pretty pink dresses for their next practice to remind them of what they’d just been made to look like. But had any of the disgraced teammates been part of something like the Pompano Beach Massacre, they might have been sitting around the next day waiting for their apology.

Taking it another step back, just the week before Chaminade-Madonna reminded their opponents what their butts looked like as they handed them to them in little gift-wrapped boxes, the Air Force football team put on another show of similar magnitude. Not this kind of show, one that took place on the ground. The Air Force Falcons, who are not exactly known for being good, whupped Nicholls State Colonels (who are not exactly known) 72-0. The overlying theme here was not how upset Nicholls State was. I dare say Air Force even seemed a tad excited about the whole deal.

So, in honor of Pompano Beach, I have some advice for other athletes around the world. LeBron James, could you maybe not shoot so much? Try just dribbling in circles to use up time every once in awhile. You too, Kobe. In fact, while we’re at it, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, Mr. Ovechkin. I want more passing, less shooting. Yes, this includes when you have a wide open shot, because how fair is that? Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal … ? Actually, you two are good. Perfect way to intersperse some disheartening defeat in with the spectacular wins. Uh, keep up the good work guys. And Tiger? Well I’m about to make you play the entire round with a 7-iron if you don’t watch yourself. Think of the children, think of the example you’re setting for high school teams like Pompano Beach that just may be led to believe that it’s okay for someone who’s really, really good to occasionally trounce their competition.

Last week, Forbes Magazine, through E-Poll surveys, polled its readers and compiled a top 10 list of the most disliked people in sports. I was confused at first why it was Forbes and not, say, Sports Illustrated executing such a poll. I mean, these are sports figures we’re talking about, isn’t ESPN’s magazine better equipped? Forbes may not be the foremost expert on sports, but flip through any issue of their magazine or click on any page of their web site … dudes know a lot about hateable personalities.

But the list isn’t as much of a reflection of the Forbes company as it is about the company’s readers (ages 13 and up). And what’s reflected is a severe case of “lemmingism.” Everyone who made the list makes sense, but are they a true reflection of the most disliked sports figures?

I mean, hockey is one of the five largest sports in the country (and Canada, if you care) and no one from the NHL represented. Most of the names you’ll see here are hated because of overexposure more than their actions that caused the overexposure. Can they be blamed for that? And if they can, why isn’t Erin Andrews at the top of this list? (She’s not) Heck, one of these guys retired 17 years ago. Is that the best (worst) Forbes readers could come up with? Do they even follow sports?

In the words of the 10th most disliked athlete, “you cannot be serious.”

1. Michael Vick
Why he’s here? Yeah, okay. This isn’t surprising. He had dogs kill one another in his off time. Honestly, if Vick had murdered a human, his jail sentence would have been longer, but he’d be no more hated than he is now.
Does he belong? I’ll put it this way … yes. Yes, he does.
Possible replacement Brett Favre. Vick’s infamy was brutal and awful, but it was also original. You know what isn’t original? Brett Favre’s annual hijacking of the sports pages while he decides if he wants to be a professional suckwad or a retired suckwad. Most of the guys on this list are on here because people are tired of hearing about them. On that front, Favre is head, shoulders and suckwad ahead of everyone else.

2. Manny Ramirez
Why he’s here? Steroids. He used ‘em. He got caught for using ‘em and he missed almost a third of the season for using ‘em.
Does he belong? Dodger fans don’t think so. Manny gets L.A. fans giggly-er than girls at a sleepover.
Possible replacement Sean Avery. I wanted to put a woman on here, but I’m unconvinced that Serena Williams counts. I guess Avery is as close as we’re going to get. I mean, c’mon … these are women’s sunglasses, dude. New York’s self-proclaimed bad boy has literally lobbied to be marketed like a WWE villain, which is not only a tacit admittance that he’s a wanker on the ice, but he’s seemingly badmouthed every last one of his hot and famous ex-girlfriends. Anyone who badmouths Elisha Cuthbert: unlikable. That’s a rule.

3. Alex Rodriguez
Why he’s here? Overexposure. Perhaps the overwhelming disgust for both Madonna and Kate Hudson has spilled over onto him as well.
Does he belong? If you take into account America’s tendency to convert jealousy into hatred along with the fact that he’s dating a movie starlet, makes $25 million a year to play a game in the most famous city in the world and cheated so as to help him achieve all these things, then yeah. I reckon he belongs.
Possible replacement Kyle Busch. This little pipsqueak. This picture best illustrates why he really ought to have made this list. And if you’re a NASCAR apologist, then what about when he snapped the Nashville Superspeedway Les Paul guitar trophy into shards ’cause he was just so gosh darned excited. A-Rod’s a tool that seems embarrassed by himself a lot of the time. Busch shares no such embarrassment.

4. Terrell Owens
Why he’s here? An inability to censor his narcissism.
Does he belong? He belongs for the amount of time various media outlets have spent talking about him over the years, but generally, Owens has done very little to warrant the ire of the American people. At worst, he’s been a bad teammate. Then again, his statistics suggest he’s made his teams better. It’s all about perception.
Possible replacement Tom Brady. Oh no! Not my sweet Tom. What’s he ever done to anyone except urinate awesomeness and use unicorn horns to pick Superbowl glory out of his teeth? Well go ask Bridget Moynahan. He knocked up Coyote Ugly, split while she was pregnant, ignored the birth while pretending not to ignore the birth, hooked up with a Brazilian supermodel (superfluous pic here) and impotently allowed her to treat Moynahan’s kid as if it were her own. Oh, then he had the gall to skip the 2008 season. So I ask you, what’s worse: being a bad teammate with good stats or being a bad husband, father and man with no stats?

5. Kobe Bryant
Why he’s here? Smugness and possibly rape. Mostly smugness.
Does he belong? For the smugness? Yes. For the possible rape? I’d have to visit Denver a few more times to say for certain.
Possible replacement Fedor Emelianenko. People just don’t like it when someone so obviously talented doesn’t need fans’ approval to stay talented. We don’t like when talented people clamor for it either (see: Rod, A) but when you’re good and you know it and no one can do a damn thing about it, it tends to alienate fans. Fans want to feel a part of it all and when they know they’re not a part of any of it, it pisses them off. Now you tell me, which one of these two was I just talking about?

6. Allen Iverson
Why he’s here? Because people like “gangsters,” not “gangstas.”
Does he belong? Iverson hasn’t been relevant in two years. Right now, only three teams have shown any interest in paying him to play basketball and one of those teams is in Greece. Hating an irrelevant Iverson is like hating the words to a song a toddler just wrote.
Possible replacement Mark Cuban. If the fine readers over at Forbes want to flippantly throw Iverson on here because he came into the NBA with cornrows and tattoos and everyone was depressed that Michael Jordan was gone, that’s fine. Now allow me to retort by submitting my own irrationally-justified basketball personality. Mark Cuban is loud, he picks fights with players, his hair is often mussed, he likes Jason Kidd too much, his cha-cha-cha is a 1/2-step too slow and he was accused of insider trading. But go ahead, convince me a neck tattoo is worse.

7. Isiah Thomas
Why he’s here? Sexual harassment … and because he hasn’t done anything well since 1993.
Does he belong? Oh yeah. He might have tried to kill himself and when it didn’t work, he might have tried convincing authorities that his daughter was the one who was ill. Also he sexual harassed a woman (not daughter related).
Possible replacement I had a whole case for either Al Davis or George Steinbrenner and although they both totally deserve to be on here, the readers polled by Forbes accidentally got this one right. Isiah Thomas is awful.

8. Stephon Marbury
Why he’s here? Sociopathology.
Does he belong? Absolutely not. Oh sure he’s been a locker room cancer on each of the last four teams he’s played before arriving in Boston, but few noticed until he got to New York and became Isiah Thomas’ cancer. But seeing as how Thomas is more disliked than Starbury, isn’t this a clear-cut case of “the enemy of my enemy is my friend?” Friends don’t put friends on disliked lists. Think of it this way: Stephon Marbury builds the character of every NBA player with whom he comes in contact. Good for the game.
Possible replacement Brock Lesnar. And since very often “bad” is good for the game, who better to illustrate this than the UFC’s Brock Lesnar? Look, you don’t get more white than Brock. He’s a 6-foot-3, 265-pound farm boy who lives and trains in the Minnesota woods, has a drooling problem, drinks Coors and signifies that “he’s No. 1″ with the wrong fingers. He’s thoroughly unlikeable, yet UFC has never been more popular. It’s far more fun to hate than to love.

9. Nick Saban
Why he’s here? Bullying. Lying. Willfully living in Alabama.
Does he belong? Nah. For $32 million, I’d probably live in Alabama too. But I wouldn’t talk to anybody.
Possible replacement Brett Favre (again). Yes, but what better way to emphasize how disliked he is than by having him wear out his welcome on this list, just as he’s worn out his welcome in the NFL. Remember in “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out” when you beat Bald Bull and then later in the game a meaner, tougher Bald Bull returned? Such is Favre. Just when his awfulness seems to subside, another offseason arrives and it takes three star punches to get him to go away.

10. John McEnroe
Why he’s here? Because he was really outspoken three decades ago.
Does he belong? About as much as a polar bear at the Pyramids.
Possible replacement O.J. Simpson. McEnroe was a loudmouth infamous for throwing hissyfits (and rackets) and complaining about almost every call that didn’t go his way. Essentially he was an NBA player. But all of this happened in the past. He’s retired from the pro tour now. So if inactive players are suddenly eligible for this list, why not pick an athlete who, you know, probably murdered two people? Bonus: How great would it be to have two Buffalo Bills in the top 10?

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Vick, Ramirez, Rodriguez, McEnroe photos courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via Getty Images
All other photos courtesy of Flickr