Turns out, asking celebrities questions they’ve heard a thousand times before can also make them think you’re nuts if you ask them in certain situations. Like, say, in the bottom of the fifth inning during Game 3 of the ALCS.

Grim LaRogue, a name legally changed from Joe Rogan (nope, not that Joe Rogan), hopped the Yankee Stadium wall and darted toward New York’s frosted-tip third baseman Alex Rodriguez. Initially, he just seemed nutty. Frankly, he just seemed like a Yankee fan. What fan wouldn’t want to talk to A-Rod?

You know ... like Yankee fans do.

According to LaRogue, he was jealous of Rodriguez’s relationship with actress Cameron Diaz (you know, from “My Sister’s Keeper”) and wanted to talk it over. See if some sort of deal couldn’t be worked out so. He had numerous pictures of Rodriguez on his person when he made his mad dash, including one with an X scrawled across his face and a gun pointing to his head. That’s not too shocking, I mean, most Red Sox fans carry one of those in their wallet too, but on the backside of the picture was the charming message, “You have to go bud, you’ve ruined too many of our white queens.”

To be fair, I’m not sure A-Rod was ever white. I can’t speak to the amount of time he’s spent in Coney Island, however.

Crackpots run out onto the field all the time. That’s not really newsworthy. What is newsworthy is that this particular crackpot ran onto this particular field because he’s upset Rodriguez has “ruined” too many famous white girls. Firstly, has he ever seen Cameron Diaz outside of a Hollywood movie? I’m pretty sure she does her makeup with her feet. Secondly, who are these other white queens to whom LaRogue is referring? I know he doesn’t mean Madonna or Kate Hudson. If he does, this man is far more insane than any of us imagined. And thirdly, LaRogue was aware that Rodriguez was standing and is always standing 30 feet away from Derek Jeter, right? Derek Jeter who has dated Jessica Biel, Mariah Carey and Minka Kelly? Look I’m not saying LaRogue should have gone after Jeter …

… Actually, yes. Yes I am saying that.

… What’s that? Oh. Sidelines’ legal department says I must tell you that I am not actually saying that.

LaRogue didn’t even need to get arrested to let the world know that much. Had he just turned to the person sitting next to him and said he was a 33-year-old man whose racist jealousy was sarked by Cameron Diaz and not Minka Kelly, that would have done it. And if not that, perhaps letting everyone know he had ust completed a “700 page novel about a ninja or something”(as his mother described it) would have tipped them off to how bonkers he is.

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Photos courtesy of Reuters

Another such ump flub happened Wednesday night in Game 1 of the ALDS, but you won’t hear about it because it involved the Yankees.

With two outs in the bottom of the ninth, Minnesota’s Delmon Young dug in against Yankees closer Mariano Rivera. Mo hurled the 0-2 pitch, Young swung and blooped it into short right field. The Yankees had just inserted defensive specialist Greg Golson into right for the final inning. Golson charged in toward the short fly, bent low and caught the ball. The umps ruled that he trapped it.

He didn’t. Every replay from every angle shows that Golson caught the ball. Neverthewho, Young stood on first and Jim Thome was allowed to take his swings representing the Twins’ tying run. Thome swung at the first pitch, popped it up to Alex Rodriguez at third and the game was over.  Yankees win, no harm done. Let’s all go back to talking about how stupendous Roy Halladay is (because make no mistake, Roy Halladay IS stupendous).

Only one of last postseason’s officiating blunders resulted directly in a win for the other team, yet much was made of the possibility of such outcomes being altered. Yet nothing has been made of Golson’s non-catch call. Half of it is because the only effect on the game’s result was that it lasted five minutes longer than it should have. Why make a big deal out of nothing? Well, because it was one Thome connection away from not being about nothing. Golson caught that ball. And despite every Yankee in the infield alerting the umps that there were no grass scuffs on the ball, and despite the entire ump crew huddling together for 30 seconds to discuss … what? How to effectively appear as if they’re considering changing a call in the Yankees favor in front of 50,000 Twins fans? Besides botching the call in the first place (it happens), the crew made the right decision. You can’t switch that call in that situation. But what about in future situations? The Yankees were supposed to win Game 1 and they did, so who cares? Well, no one. No one outside of the Bronx is going to come to the defense of the Yankees. No matter what Teixeria and Rodriguez say, they’re not underdogs. They’re never underdogs. They won’t ever “deserve” any help. But if that situation were reversed, and the Yankees got a second chance to tie up the game in the bottom of the ninth, the world would be aflame in a chorus of bloggers demanding a furtherance in the use of instant replay.

Thome didn’t pop that home run, but he could have. Next time this situation arises, it might happen. Wouldn’t it be nice if baseball reviewed any questionable call and not just a specific type of questionable call? It would, just not when it helps the Yankees, I guess.

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I woke up yesterday morning to a text message from a friend alerting me that the Boss died in New York. I damn near had a heart attack before I realized he didn’t mean Springsteen.

For the 29 years I’ve been on Earth, this has been a point of contention for me. Who is the real boss? James Brown didn’t have to put up with people calling Pete Rose the “Hardest Working Man in Showbusiness.” Michael Jackson never fought Jose Canseco for the title of “King of Pop.” Why should Springsteen have to share the Boss moniker.

I mean, I guess technically he doesn’t have to share it now. But it’s important to distinguish whether the title is now returned in full to its rightful owner, or if Springsteen’s just borrowing a dead man’s nickname for the rest of his life.

Ladies and gentlemen, who do you think is the real Boss? Leave your comments down yonder.

It’s hard to speak poorly of the dead. If for no other reason than because it’s taboo to do so and most people kinda tune you out. You can’t speak poorly of most dead people. Can’t do it. Certainly can’t do it right after they died.

So I won’t speak poorly of former Yankees owner, George M. Steinbrenner III. I’ll speak poorly of his biggest competitors: the Boston Red Sox.

Seven years ago, the Miami Heat retired Michael Jordan’s number during the final game of their regular season.  Not the Bulls. Not the Wizards. The Heat. At the time, it was the only number the team had retired – a number of a man that never played for their team, and in fact, did quite a lot of damage to them over the course of the ’90s. It was pitiful then and it remains pitiful now. How can a team that was directly made worse by a competitor, go on and decide to honor them as if the pleasure of getting hammered was all theirs?

The Red Sox sent out a statement yesterday extolling the virtues of the former owner of the only team in baseball able to make the mighty Sawx feel like insignificant little sisters. This part is somewhat understandable, as it was created on behalf of several Red Sox executives who worked with or near Steinbrenner over the past four decades.

But it’s not just a statement coming from Boston. On Thursday, it’ll be a Statement (note the capitalization of the word). From boston.com:

The Red Sox will observe a moment of silence in Steinbrenner’s memory on Thursday, July 15, 2010 at Fenway Park before the club’s matchup against the Texas Rangers at 7:10 p.m.

What? Oh. Wait … what? No!

Many of you will not care about this, not bat an eye or think this decision odd. But it is. For Red Sox fans, it SO is. It’s one thing to be disrespectful of a dead man. For example, I wouldn’t condone a moment of  boos in memory of Steinbrenner. But to take a moment to show appreciation for a man whom the Red Sox should not and did not appreciate seems hollow. Hell, the Yankees won’t even be there to hear the nothingness. Boston is having a moment of silence for themselves.

Steinbrenner was a powerful and influential man, perhaps one of the most powerful and influential the game has ever seen. He’s certainly one of the most powerful and influential the modern game has ever seen. And he used his power and influence to bring seven World Series titles to the Red Sox’s closest and most obvious competitor. But – and this is very important – for 30 years, the Red Sox hated him for it. It wasn’t until the last nine years that the Red Sox fully embraced Steinbrenner’s philosophy on winning.

So the question here is – just as it was when they hung No.23 in the Miami Heat rafters – why? Just ’cause? Because Steinbrenner is dead now and he wasn’t on Monday? Why honor a guy who only helped your ball club achieve international fame by embarrassing it over and over on national television? The Red Sox-Yankees rivalry may have started lifetimes ago, but it only started getting competitive a decade ago.

Maybe the moment of silence should be for an era when the Red Sox weren’t as full of it as the Yankees.

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Photo courtesy of Flickr

Cincinnati’s Scott Rolen? Florida’s Cameron Maybin? Pull up a chair …

Each time Maybin takes his turn at bat, Disney pop sensation Miley Cyrus blares from the million dollar Sun Life Stadium PA. Instead of Wu-Tang or Zeppelin or Ratt, the 40 or so Marlins fans that actually attend games are treated to “Party in the USA” a song so sugary, the food vendors spin it into cotton and sell it for $5 a bag.

Then there’s veteran 3B Scott Rolen who is introduced to what I’m pretty sure is Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida” but might, I suppose, be Joe Satriani’s “If I Could Fly.” Frankly, I’m not sure which is worse for Rolen.

This isn’t about Coldplay not being manly (they aren’t) or Cyrus not being pump-up music (it better not be for anyone older than 14), it’s about setting yourself up to fail. If Albert Pujols wants to wiggle up to the batter’s box playing Taylor Swift, he can do that because he’s always three pitches away from hitting a home run (always!), but Scott Rolen can’t “viva la vida” when he grounds weakly to the shortstop. That’s not vida, that’s muerte.

“People will think it’s funny,’’ Florida catcher John Baker said.

That’s true. But O’Neill was a 5-time all-star and no one ever thought his at-bats were funny. They thought, “dang, this guy’s gonna rock the ball as hard as Bruce is rockin’ this P.A. system.”

Trust me, they thought that.

By Sunday, most MMA outlets were awash in outrage over Silva’s behavior, none moreso than UFC president Dana White, who called the main event a “disgrace,” “an embarrassment” adding too that he was “disgusted.”

But let’s pull back the gossamer curtain of immediacy and examine why many feel this way. And because I’ve never been good with keeping secrets, I should warn you that I’m planning on defending Silva in these next 1,000 words.

The 26-4 Brazilian has had a recent history of not giving the fans the type of fight that they paid for – namely, one that quickly moves to the ground and stays there. Instead, Silva’s style is to dominate from his feet – which is what happened for the most part Saturday. Silva showboated (to put it kindly) and taunted (to put it less kindly) his opponent Demian Maia early in the battle. Hands on his hips, standing without using much defense; take a look at the photo up top. It looked exactly like that, only without the threat of Riverdance breaking out. Kid stuff. Disrespectful stuff. Stuff that, frankly, made the fight boring.

And this has been the case for Silva’s last few bouts. He’s that good. He’ll tease ya. Then he’ll bleed ya. And then he’ll calmly leave the ring amid a bluster of witnesses furious that he didn’t sweat more, try harder, move quicker.

That’s “the reason” for the animosity toward Silva, but is it The Reason? No. The reason to be upset is that no one recently has forced Silva to sweat more, try harder, move quicker. Watching Silva fight in the last 24 months is like watching a Corvette idle down a driveway. Don’t blame the Corvette, blame the driver, or the neighborhood, or the laws that dictate a Corvette can’t drive 90 mph in a school zone. In short: give Silva someone to fight.

Would anyone have suddenly felt they got their money’s worth out of a 90 second fight in which Silva kicked Maia in the throat three times and called it a day? Not only would you not have gotten your money’s worth, but you wouldn’t have had anything to talk about on Monday.

In a sport still in the spring of its development, the fans remain the dictators of what “good MMA” is. Silva really is one of the three best pound-for-pound fighters in the entire sport, but he’s boring. And he’s cocky about his boringness. And he refuses to acknowledge his cockiness and / or his boringness.

But White didn’t fail to acknowledge it:

“Believe me, I’ll answer the questions of what a disgrace the main event was,” said White at the post-fight presser. “To end it the way that we did was an embarrassment for me, the UFC, the Fertittas and the UAE. If you’re that talented, be Mike Tyson. Go in there and finish. I’m so blown away and disgusted and saddened.”

…He forgot to mention greedy. Because this is where White’s anger stems from – future revenue. See, the Cleveland Cavaliers don’t have to worry about sitting LeBron James for three consecutive games, as they have this past week, because those tickets are already sold. And as long as people believe they’ll get to see James when they purchase the tickets, that’s all any of the money men care about. It’s why the D.C. Nationals waited until after the pre-season ticket sale to announce that No. 1 draft pick Stephen Strasbug would start the season in the minor leagues.

MMA doesn’t work that way. You’re only as good as your last fight and because fans equate “fast movement” to “excitement,” Silva is a dud as a fighter. At least UFC heavyweight Brock Lesnar, who painted himself with the same devil-may-care brush as Silva, has the decency to rely heavily on the ground game. He’s a real a knee-to-your-neck kinda fella. He’s the villain everyone wants to see. Silva? Skip ‘im.

I get it. I get why fans want the ground ‘n’ pound game. I get why promoters pop blood vessels at guys like Silva who stand around and pick their spots to strike. Promoting a strategic fighter is like promoting … well, like promoting a pitcher’s duel in baseball. Good luck.

But step back for a moment. Why blame Silva? This is his style. He’s a man who makes a living by winning as many fights as possible. Should Sabathia have grooved one down the middle in the seventh inning after his Yankees had the lead safely in hand on Saturday, just to spice things up a little? No. He’s paid millions of dollars to pitch as close to perfect baseball as he can. What about all the rest LeBron is getting? Shouldn’t he play insignificant games now and risk being injured, if for no other reason than for the sake of the fans who paid to see him? Nope.

And what about this blog article? It’s been nearly 700 words since you last saw a picture or anything visual. Should I just throw in something colorful to break up the monotony of all these words, even if it has nothing to do with Anderson Silva or mixed martial arts?

There. A kangaroo punching a photographer in the face. How was that? You gettin’ your money’s worth now?

Sports are about competition. At least professional sports. The beer league softball games I play in are mostly about the beer. You play to win the game. And in a larger sense, you play to continue winning the games. A tired or hurt LeBron James risks far more damage to the Cavs (and the NBA) down the line than leaving him in street clothes toward the end of the regular season; just as Anderson Silva adopting a ground game or even exerting himself more than is necessary is more harmful to his career (and I believe the UFC) than carrying on as he is.

MMA fans should demand only one thing from the fighters – that their intent it always to ensure victory.

Silva, more than most fighters, has a firm grip on exactly what to do to ensure victory and exactly how to do it. He even said immediately after the fight that he wanted to win, he won legitimately and he’s unconcerned about the rest of it – the way it should be.

“The way I feel,” Silva said, “my mission was completed, I came in and dominated the fight, I did what I had to do, That’s how I feel.”

White may be upset that Silva’s not an exciting fighter, but if he can’t spin this guy into a marketable villain for a future Georges St. Pierre fight than Dana White is not long for his position. And if he’s mad that one of his best fighters is boring, well then, match him with a fighter that doesn’t bore him.

Simple, no?

Until then, quit with the tears and vinegar about the classless Silva. He’s different. He’s interesting because he’s boring (I just blew your mind) and he’s good for the UFC.

Just wait until this sport supplies fans with only one type of fighter, playing the same note over and over, fight after fight.

You’ll drop it faster than Anderson Silva would have dropped Demian Maia if he weren’t so bored.

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Top photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via Tracy Lee

Minor leaguer Pat Venditte put on his big boy pants and his freaky moon-man glove and took the bump in his first appearance with a major league franchise.

Behold! Venditte's six-fingered switch glove. It's the way of the future.

The reason this is a story – besides him pitching for the Yankees, where friggin’ everything is a story – is because Venditte is an ambidextrous pitcher. Dude can throw with either arm.

He came on in relief for CC Sabathia against the Braves in one of the team’s final Spring Training games before Sunday’s Season Opener and didn’t fare so well. He lasted 1.1 innings, gave up a run, two hits and a walk.

Venditte earned 22 saves last season for Class-A Charleston and Tampa, which was good enough for Yankee skipper Joe Girardi to request the kid make his March appearance in Florida.

Frankly, I hope he chokes. Not because its easy to experience schadenfreude against the Bombers and not because Venditte somehow emasculated me among or near a group of attractive women (he hasn’t … yet), but because I wanted to be the proud papa of the league’s first successful “switcher.”

If Venditte maintains a consistent presence in the league, things could get interesting. How long can a guy stay in a game if he’s using both arms? If a normal middle reliever pitchers one or two innings before his arm tires, does this mean Venditte can go two or four?  There’s already a Venditte Rule in place because of the guy:

On July 3, 2008, the Professional Baseball Umpire Corporation issued a new rule to limit the number of times a switch-pitcher and switch-hitter can change sides during one at-bat.

1. The pitcher must visually indicate to the umpire, batter and runner(s) which way he will begin pitching to the batter. Engaging the rubber with the glove on a particular hand is considered a definitive commitment to which arm he will throw with. The batter will then choose which side of the plate he will bat from.
   
2. The pitcher must throw one pitch to the batter before any “switch” by either player is allowed.
   
3. After one pitch is thrown, the pitcher and batter may each change positions one time per at-bat. For example, if the pitcher changes from right-handed to left-handed and the batter then changes batter’s boxes, each player must remain that way for the duration of that at-bat (unless the offensive team substitutes a pinch hitter, and then each player may again “switch” one time).
   
4. Any switch (by either the pitcher or the batter) must be clearly indicated to the umpire. There will be no warm-up pitches during the change of arms.
   
5. If an injury occurs the pitcher may change arms but not use that arm again during the remainder of the game.

At some point a switcher hitter and pitcher are going to meet up and make nine minutes of adjustments before two pitchers are made. It will be awesome the first time and then ridiculous each time after that.

*sigh*

Ain’t nothing to be done about raising the league’s first Armbidextrous player – that dream died after Montreal’s Greg Harris threw one inning of switcheroo ball in 1995 to become the first switcher in league history of the 20th Century. But if Venditte maintains his 6.77 ERA, my kid’s still got a shot at being the first successful one.

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Photos courtesy of Flickr Images

Cuban should have aimed lower than the Super Bowl; assuming you consider Yankee Stadium to be lower.

In an AP report from Tuesday, Jewish boxing champ (and soon-to-be-rabbi, a fact that will gain importance in about 10 seconds) Yuri Foreman is near an agreement to defend his welterweight title against Miguel Cotto at Yankee Stadium on June 5. But there’s a hold up. (there’s always a hold up).

Arum (right) and Foreman. No, not that Foreman. There's a different one.

“The Yankees want to make a deal, we know we can make a deal, they’re just working through a problem at Yankee Stadium,” fight promoter Bob Arum said. “But you wouldn’t believe it if I told you.”

The family renting out the stadium hasn’t been identified, but it’s safe to assume we’re not talking about a low-income bunch here. It’s not a far leap in logic to assume this family enjoys grand displays. Why not make the family part of the undercard?

At any rate, if nothing can be worked out at Yankee Stadium, Top Rank president Todd duBoef assured the public they have a back-up venue reserved for June 12. Pehaps you’re familiar with Madison Square Garden? Yeah. They occasionally host live events there.

Turns out, lounges in the House That Jeter Built has been partially rented out for a private bar mitzvah. Not only that, the center field scoreboard screen will be used for nearly 30 minutes to display this yingl’s boyhood pictures and mementos.

UPDATE: Jon Ballan, the lead bond lawyer for the financing of the $1.2 billion stadium, is the father of the boy celebrating his mitzvah. And it appears the Ballans have agreed to relinquish control of the center field screen. Fight on!

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Photos courtesy of Flickr

Here’s a recap of the weirdest or most overlooked sports stories on the Interweb this week. Plus, as you’ve come to expect, really, really hard-earned yellow cards.

Monday Coach Noah Chang looks … shoots … and SCORES. Over and over and over for nine minutes. Basketball
Tuesday Holy crap! Is that a goalie mask with Eddie Vedder and the Ultimate Warrior?!? This thing should be a national landmark. Hockey
Wednesday I honestly didn’t know anything this awesome existed in Utah. Then this National Anthem happened. College Football
Thursday Dallas, prepare for wall-to-wall hookers in the next 15 months. Dallas Sports
Friday Yet another story about a 22-year-old posing as high school kid to get chicks and basketball glory. High School Basketball
Saturday Luckily, the Financial District of NYC isn’t going through any fiscal difficulties or else throwing documents containing social security numbers  out the window during the Yankees parade would be dangerously embarrassing. Baseball
Sunday Malaysia’s best chance at a Southeast Asian gold medal up and pulled out because … well, because her husband chose not to. Power Walking
Eighth Day This weird feeling in my stomach must be me having a newfound respect for soccer. Soccer

The Boss reportedly isn’t doing well. He’s doing so poorly, in fact, that stadium officials shut down elevators and locked up stairwells until the Evil Empire’s emperor had left the building after Game 2.*

The scene, as described by Scott Miller of CBSSports.com, played out like the events of a slasher flick writ large. Without warning, baseball officials, media members, the few remaining Yankees fans whom hadn’t yet been mistreated by stadium officials found themselves trapped by gates automatically dropping and locking from the ceiling in certain stadium corridors through which Steinbrenner was to be carried. Where there were no corridors to be locked, makeshift curtains were set-up to block the world from the Boss or the Boss from the world or both.

From Miller:

Security guards not only shut down the press elevator carrying media members downstairs to the interview areas until after Steinbrenner had departed, they also locked the doors downstairs, trapping several dozen media members in the stairwell. One security guard shooing people out of the area, according to one official who was there at the time, said that they were “cleansing the hallway.”

It’s bizarre-to-downright-conspiratorial that little was made of this in the media, considering it was members of the media who were, um, cleansed. Also, any time a group of humans gets so-called “cleansed” of anything, I get squeamish. I bristle. Are you happy Yankees? I’ve bristled.

It’s bad enough the nine trillion dollar stadium (rough estimate) is falling apart after six months of activity, but how many safety codes were broken so that they could wheel the old man out of the stadium without anyone noticing? And before you answer, dear hypothetical reader who is hypothetically answering out loud so that I can hypothetically hear them, let me pose another question: was this the best plan the entire stadium security crew could come up with?

They knew Steinbrenner was coming. Knew he was sick. Knew there was a little shindig going on at the park. Knew there’d be a few bodies milling around. Ripping a page out of Attica State Penitentiary’s prison lockdown playbook was the best plan they could deploy? Woof.

Woof, I say. And I mean it. I really, really mean it.

It’s one thing for the Yankees to request demand Fox-TV not turn their internationally broadcasting cameras on the sickly Steinbrenner, but to trap people in various parts of the park while he escapes cloaked in concrete and security, well … sadly, that’s not all that shocking either.

What will be shocking is if it happens again in Wednesday’s Game 6. Steinbrenner isn’t expected to return to the stadium then, but it’s not like his arrival at the House that Jeter Built would be the first time expectations weren’t met in the Bronx now would it? (that was a moderate zing for those in the back).

I’m feeling drunk kind, so I’m willing to chalk up Thursday’s incident to being a poorly handled mishap. If it happens the exact same way six days later, perhaps the story will make its way to the public.

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*Is it still okay to refer to the Yanks as the Evil Empire while Steinbrenner’s health deteriorates? I mean, no matter what happens to Steinbrenner, the empire remains evil, n’est-ce pas? There’s still Hank. Don’t forget about Hank (which I believe was the alternate title to “What About Bob?”) It’s not like the sky is going to open up, the birds will start singing and New Yorkers will suddenly move to Oakland, Pittsburgh and Miami to see A’s, Pirates and Marlins games. They’ll remain the damn Yankees with or without the Boss.