Here’s a recap of the weirdest or most overlooked sports stories on the Interweb this week. Plus, as you’ve come to expect, we can probably preemptively add “The Karate Kid” remake to the list of the 25 Worst Sports Movies in the Last 25 Years.

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Monday Dwight Howard’s impersonations might be enough to shift him from “athlete funny” to actually funny. NBA
Tuesday Mixed Martial Arts for Jesus: Does this hurt MMA or Christianity more? MMA
Wednesday Will Gisele’s $25 million earnings in ’09 affect Tom Brady’s $5 million earnings after contract negotiations? Football
Thursday A high school baseball player urinated on the field during the National Anthem. O Say can you pee … Baseball
Friday Prison tennis. Betcha didn’t see that coming, did you? Tennis
Saturday $20 bottomless beer glasses were sold at the Preakness, where everyone ended up, ahem, Lookin’ At Lucky. Horse Racing
Sunday The encounter between Hollywood’s Lohan and hockey’s Avery was only a matter of time. NHL
Eighth Day Bleacher Report’s 25 Worst Sports Movies in 25 Years. Hey, man. “Rad” wasn’t a movie, it’s a way of life, bro.

Bulls starting center Joakim Noah rededicated himself to defense and rebounding during the offseason and already, nine games in, he’s jumped from averaging 7.6 boards a game to a league-best 12.2. You can see it. He’s in position under the basket more, he’s bodying up opponents, making it difficult for them to keep position and it’s led to more tip-ins and loose balls that fall his way.

Along with the natural growth that follows any player in his third season in the league, Noah’s learning and more importantly, he seems to be enjoying it.

Considering his learning curve, it’s not out of the realm of possibility to say that Noah would be one of the top centers in league around whom I’d want to build my team. Players like Chris Bosh, Dwight Howard and even (a healthy) Yao Ming are in the primes of their careers, but among the players that have five-or-fewer years under their belts, you’d be hard-pressed to find a guy playing the five whom you’d rather be in your lineup.

Noah’s defensive rating (DRtg) went from 105 last year to an outstanding 97. Meaning if a roster full of Joakim Noah’s played a game and that game had 100 possessions, the other team would only be scoring 97 points against the team full of Noahs. For comparison’s sake Howard led the league in defensive efficiency last season with a 94.56.

In fact, Noah’s career DRtg (104) is third-best among young centers behind on Boston’s Kendrick Perkins (101) and Portland’s Greg Oden (92).

Unlike Perkins however, both Noah and Oden have really kick-started their offensive game as well. The graph below shows the offensive rating (ORtg) of the five best centers who entered the league during or after the 2005-06 season.

Each of these five players have a higher ORtg than DRtg which means they all score more points per 100 possessions than they allow the other team to score. In Oden’s case, there’s a 24 point differential between the points he scores and the points he allows. Noah is a distant second with a 12 point differential, followed by Bynum (+11).

What’s it all mean?

If you’re starting a team around on of today’s young centers, it’s safe to say you’ll hand them as much playing time as their lungs and fouls will allow. Assuming all else is equal, Greg Oden is at the head of the class (strongest defense, most efficient scoring), followed by Andrew Bynum (solid defense, 2nd most efficient scoring among young centers) and then Joakim Noah, the Chicago sparkplug that only started 55 of 80 games last season.

If you’re building for the today, look for a Bosh or a Howard. If you’re building for tomorrow, you couldn’t do much better than Joak’.

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Top photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via Getty Images
Right photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via the AP

Last Friday, Pepperdine University student Keion Bell jumped over five of his closest friends and set the Internets ablaze with talk that it was among the greatest dunking feats of all-time. Game Points is here to debate the merit of such statements.

Check out the dunk at the 1:10 mark of this video. That’s how you dunk over someone.

Sweet merciful heavens! Hollywood legend Clint Eastwood can’t kick a soccer ball. He was born in the Jurassic period, I know. But still. In France for the Lyon Film Festival last week, he kicked that ball in front of thousands of Lyon futbol fans like a toddler at the park.

What a kick (pun!) in the butt. Josey Wales kicks better than that, right? Wouldn’t Rowdy Yates puncture the hell out of the ball? Oh no, this just won’t do. This is like helplessly watching street toughs beat up your dad or realizing your son throws a football like a girl (a non football-throwing girl).

Geez. Coogan gets one shot in front of thousands and he totally hacky-sacks it.

No. I need to tap into one of my defense mechanisms on this deal. Projecting? No. Idealization? No, that’s what got me in this mess in the first place. Irrational denial? That’ll work.

Clint is a man’s man. An American man’s man. Why would he know about kicking a soccer ball? He can throw a 107 mph fastball. He can dunk over Dwight Howard. I’m pretty sure I saw a deleted scene from “Unforgiven” where he randomly ran the 40-yard dash in 3.5 seconds.

If Clint’s not good at soccer it’s because he doesn’t want to be. And he was wearing a suit … with loafers … while carrying an umbrella.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A!

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Monday Dunking on little kids? Classy. Making them cry? Classier. Basketball
Tuesday There’s no “i” in team, but there’s a few of ‘em in Bonnie Richardson, who beat 56 other Texas track teams all by herself. Track & Field
Wednesday This fan’s biggest crime: wearing a t-shirt supporting a guy hitting .177. MLB
Thursday I threw a Pepsi cup on the ground at Wrigley once and felt kinda bad about it. Not no more. MLB
Friday Maybe if anyone watched the LPGA events there would be video of this dead robin. But they don’t, so I can’t. LPGA, Take a gander at a seagull who had money riding on the Indians. MLB
Saturday Now if only the idiots behind home plate on their phones would face the same fate. NBA
Sunday I was honestly more shocked that Idaho has golf than I was to learn about the cocaine thing. Golf
Eighth Day And finally: Some vintage Dwight Howard. Oh, won’t someone put a ring on him? Maybe next year. NBA

Whoops. First chink in the armor, ‘Bron.

It’s old news that LeBron James skulked (Ditched? Eluded? Nah, we’ll stick with skulked) away from the Orlando Magic, his teammates, the media and his duties as a franchise leader after the final game of his 2008-09 season on May 30.

It happened. It’s over. And the first time next season he barrels past some poor sucker unsuccessfully trying to foul him, all will be forgiven, right?

But what if it won’t?

When a child cries on the train, it’s the parent that gets all the dirty looks. ‘Bron-Bron’s exeunt stage left played in the media like a big crying baby on a very crowded train. So for now, all bets are off with the fans. James’ refusal to acknowledge anybody after Cleveland’s loss was a miscalculation. But James is a calculating person (he has to be) and when someone like that makes a mistake, it carries more weight. How much weight? Enough that I’m compelled to  conjure up parallels between LeBron’s hypothetical future and the turning point in the career of professional wrestler Hulk Hogan when he became “Hollywood Hogan.”

James is as much businessman as he is athlete and for six years, the fans have allowed that dichotomy on the grounds that he keep tossin’ that chalk (figuratively speaking. Why? Does he actually toss chalk? Weird.) James the athlete has rarely failed. James the athlete has never failed. On Saturday, both failed. This isn’t difficult. The average fan loathes athletes increasing energy placed toward marketing themselves. Most athletes know that if they’re going to do that, they better bring it on the playing ground. If they don’t, when the athlete fails, fans turn on the businessman first.

In 1996, for reasons both fabricated for wrestling fans and born from Terry Bollea’s personal life, the iconic red and gold hero went to the dark side. Instead of talking to kids about vitamins, prayers and muscle pythons, Hollywood became greedy, selfish and turned on his friends with seemingly no hesitation. In ’96′s Bash at the Beach, Hulk went Hollywood by surprising longtime friend Randy Savage by attacking him. Sound familiar?

LeBron James, who also dons a red and gold uniform, was teammates with Magic center Dwight Howard on the 2008 Gold medal-winning Olympic team. Unlike Denver’s Carmelo Anthony and L.A.’s Kobe Bryant who were also on that team and shared a brief embrace at the end of the Western Conference Finals, James lost Game 6 and failed to acknowledge Howard on his way toward the tunnel.

Hogan ran with the Hollywood persona in part because his Hulk persona was wrapped up in a legal battle with Marvel Comics and its ownership of the Incredible Hulk. Just as Hogan’s identity was ensnared between corporate branding, so too is James’ identity. James may have won over Cleveland fans by throwing talcum high into the air (an act stolen from Boston’s Kevin Garnett, who stole it from Michael Jordan), but it was Nike that branded the act and made it iconic. A funny thing happens to celebrities trying to become the richest man in the world: he becomes indebted to those who made him that way. And therefore James literally cannot afford to be himself, because he’s a 24-year old kid who might do something boneheaded to lose endorsements (see: Phelps, Michael).

Hollywood ran with the bad guy persona. Unforeseeably to Hogan, it left a bitter taste in the mouths of fans who made him an icon. Even after Hogan put the red and gold undies back on, relations with the fans had been irreparably damaged. For some, the thin illusion of goodness Hogan had established in his career was broken.

James’ mistake was hardly the three-year betrayal Hogan created, but because sports are a culmination of snap decisions and irretrievable moments, it wouldn’t be shocking if the fans turn on James in a similar fashion.

It’s too early to say that James tarnished his career by this one act, but if his career veers more toward Hollywood than Hulk, this will be the snub they’ll say started it all.

Let’s assume that Skynet (or Cyberdine, depending on which era we’re framing) would get ahold of a modern-day athlete and convert his or her human form into a T-800 Terminator. This isn’t the shape-shifting version, as hardcore fans know, but the Schwarzennegger version that incorporated a synthetic human flesh.

So whoever we choose would have Terminator abilities, but with their current exterior. We’re also going to assume that the person will keep some of their innate abilities (height, jumping ability) while incorporating the best of a Terminator (strength, overall killing skills).

With that, we present the top five athletes who would make the best Terminators.

Dwight Howard
If I’m John Connor, and I see a Terminator coming at me that’s Dwight Howard’s size, then I’m going to drop my gun and welcome the new robot overlords. An army of Dwights would have too much shock and awe for humans to mount any sort of serious resistance. The only drawback to a Howard-sized Terminator is they would be an easier target for a bullet because of its size. But it’d be really hard for freedom fighters to shoot when they’re too busy peeing their collective pants.

Dustin Pedroia
On the flip side from Dwight Howard, a Dustin Pedroia would be a pretty excellent choice for a Terminator because of his relatively unremarkable size. If he walked into an underground bunker, no human is going to think twice that this 5-foot-9, 180-pound guy is a Terminator. And should Dustin start wasting people, the average resistance fighter is going to enter the fight with a false confidence. I mean, who couldn’t beat up a guy Dustin Pedroia’s size? That’s when he’s got you, because he has a metal skeleton you can’t even see.

Danica Patrick
This one is obvious. Of all the humans that still exist in the apocalyptic future, I’m guessing none of them are going to look like Danica. A guy like John Connor will be slicking his hair back and checking his breath if he sees someone like Danica walking through the futuristic wasteland. And just like Dustin Pedroia, Danica wouldn’t seem like too much of a threat because of her size (5-foot-1). But, once again, there’s a killing machine behind those looks. She would also come in handy as some sort of Skynet pilot.