But the real thrust of the commercial is Nike making an every-chemical-in-the-cupboard approach to removing the tarnish from the LeBron James Brand.

For those of you who’ve missed out, the athletic apparel company in its full high-gloss brilliance opens on James back in his familiar school gym setting, wearing the same clothes he wore during his infamous ESPN Decision special that marks the seminal moment he went from the face of the league, to its pariah. Also in the commercial are a series of hypothetical scenarios involving the current and possible future state of his reputation (no one shows up to his Hall of Fame induction ceremony, he quits basketball and moves to television, etc.) all while the phrase “what should I do?” is repeated ad nauseum.

As a commercial, it plays just too damn cynical. As if filming a multi-million dollar mea culpa designed to ensure the company still gets paid is all the James naysayers needed to rejoin the bandwagon. And for those who never left the bandwagon? Well, they probably liked those awful Nike puppet commercials too.

As an advertising tactic, however, Nike has taken a step into a whole new realm this year. The company has made its fortune on hand-picking the best athletes in the country and illuminating each of them as being wholly special. The danger is, and always has been, what happens when these imperfect people do something imperfect enough that it can’t be ignored? Nike’s answer has become to halt the sale of apparel and to produce 60-second, million-dollar public relations pieces that play like public service announcements. If any politician in any realm of government ever got his hands on Nike’s ad department, there wouldn’t be an election he or she couldn’t win.

Earlier this year, Nike spin doctored the insanity coming from Tiger Woods‘ Thanksgiving drive into a light pole and the ensuing sewage that erupted from that incident by producing a well-received ad of Woods – alone – listening to the voice of his dead father. The piece was clearly saying, “we all make mistakes, it’s not too late to turn things around.” Added to which the only sound in the spot is of a Woods’ father, a known-philanderer, the audience is supposed to be reminded that even the monster that is Tiger Woods has a family. He’s only human.

Woods’ spot, just like James,’ is more intriguing than entertaining and only intriguing when you consider the motivation of the ad men who work for Phil Knight. Nike used to have its finger on a certain pulse of its demographic. When it produced Charles Barkley’s “I’m Not A Role Model” spot in 1993 (James winks at this spot in his current ad – another example of Nike’s self-referential cynicism) it struck a chord with audiences because Barkley was a role model despite his reputation for being tough and ornery. The difference between that commercial 17 years ago and a commercial with Barkley, say, last year after getting pulled over for drunk driving is that Barkley had never done anything that the public perceived as being bad. The Woods and James spots are apologies, not warnings. Not statements. Not even clear ownership of who these individuals are.

In the end, it all strikes me as infuriating. Nike is willing to acknowledge that their poster boys do bad things, but not that, perhaps, they shouldn’t be poster boys. This isn’t a judgment call on either athlete – or any athlete facing similar backlash – I don’t really care about James and anyone who thinks Tiger Woods hasn’t paid for his actions is out of his mind. But when a company like Nike begins airing its damage control over and over (and if you watch as much basketball as I do, over and over and over  and over), one can’t help but wonder if someone shouldn’t be producing PR ads for Nike. After all, they branded James and Woods (and, oh yeah, sexual harasser Brett Favre, accused rapist Kobe Bryant and dog-lover Michael Vick) in the first place.

LeBron James is as poor a reflection on Nike as on LeBron James and as uninterested as I am in apologies from fools and louts, I’m even less interested in pleas from multi-billion dollar corporations to continue increasing their net growth disguised as an apology.

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From left: Cook, Favre, Werder (I swear this was the coolest picture of Werder I could find)

How do you prefer your Band-Aid removed? With a quick, painful jerk that uproots body hair along with it? The kind that provides an agony that is much worse in the seconds leading up to the removal than the removal itself? Or do you prefer the cautious, calculated removal that distributes pain in measured doses for an elongated period of time? Because I assure you America, you’re gonna have to suffer through one.

LeBron James’ decision to play for the Heat? We may still be talking about it … okay, I. I may still be talking about it. But, really, it’s over. He’s a Heat. (A Hot? A Heats? No, he’s a Heat.) James isn’t forcing us to discuss it. Matter fact, I bet he’d love us to stop. That Band-Aid got yanked two weeks ago, the pain should be long gone. Brett Favre? He never wants anything to stop. Ever. He pulls the bandage 1/3 off, then re-applies the pulled part just so he can do it again. Forever.

As much as I’m angry with James and have decided to stop returning his phone calls for a little while, I’d prefer his shenanigans to Favre’s, who, once again is kinda, sorta hurt and kinda, sorta not sure his old man bones have it in them to play football again. And he’s kinda, sorta not sure when he will know, so just keep checking in periodically* to see if he’s made a decision.

* once per hour … forever.

This is the fourth year the man who’s won only one more Super Bowl than I have has spent his summer playing catch in Mississippi in front of an ESPN camera. And I’m bored. And you’re bored too. And a little hungry, which is bound to happen when you skip lunch, you workaholic, you. But you know who’s more than bored? Favre’s agent James “Bus” Cook.

From the newest issue of Men’s Journal :

(I should warn you, Cook’s language is a little blue, so be sure to cover your children’s ears as they read this.)

“Brett talked to goddamned Ed Werder at ESPN, says he needs ankle surgery. Now why did he do that?” Cook asked.  “I’ve got [Brad] Childress calling. I’ve got reporters calling all damn morning. Goddammit, why does he have to be such a goddamned drama queen? Play, don’t play, goddamn, people are getting sick of it. I’m getting sick of it!

Why does he have to talk to these people? What good does it do? Ed Werder at ESPN! What’s he ever done for anybody other than say, ‘Look, look, Mommy, I got this first, ain’t I special?’ You got problems with surgery, talk to your wife. Why talk to goddamned Ed Werder?”

Eat it, Werder.

You know, if you’ve been paying attention (pay attention!) you’ll notice the common thread with Favre and James is one World Wide Leader in Sports. If ESPN would stop hiding the the bushes of every superstar with a decision to make, maybe we wouldn’t be forced to choose between pulling off the first-aid bandage strip quickly or slowly. Maybe the entire world would simply be able to take a dip in the pool and let the soaking bandage un-affix itself and lie at the bottom of the shallow end. Wouldn’t that be nice?

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Photos courtesy of Flickr

Monday Do yourself a solid: Read this article before you buy that home connected to a firing range. GOLF
Tuesday Skydiving + kayaking = Skyaking. (But it also equals awesome). SKYAKING
Wednesday See? This is why we can’t ever get rid of Mississippi. GOLF
Thursday Got ‘im! Barry Zito has the memory of an elephant (or all my exes). BASEBALL
Friday Two guys who don’t know when to give up got together on a television program last night. FOOTBALL
Saturday Indy Governor’s Saints flag fetched over $6K in a charity auction. FOOTBALL
Sunday After Rashard Lewis helped his little buddy, they both went for Sno-Cones and pizza afterwards. BASKETBALL
Eighth Day Two wannabe Playmates try to get on the Bulls’ Kiss-Cam. No one told them that the cameras don’t search the cheap seats. Shoulda used a hookup like adult entertainer Samantha Ryan has at KU. BASKETBALL

I can’t even say his name. Whenever I try, my mouth gums up as if filled with taffy. Until his most recent un-retirement, I was unaware that the human tongue could wear out and malfunction from repeatedly forming the same sounds. It can and it has. So, you won’t be hearing me say his name. He’s like Voldemort or the Lord when I’m speaking in vain.

It didn’t always used to be this way. He-Who-Shan’t-Be-Named used to be a hero. At the end of the 2005 season he was Paul Bunyan, John Henry and the Jolly Green Giant all in one. He was 464 career touchdowns, 65,127 career passing yards and the 1996 Superbowl champion; and it was these things that would protect him in the NFL afterlife like the Armor of God.

But then he couldn’t walk away from the spotlight. He wasn’t interested in helping his teams. If he were, he’d have acted differently. He’d have made up his mind quicker, deferred to younger backup quarterbacks when necessary, spent March and April doing his retirement considerations instead of June and July.

Like Norma Desmond watching her silent film career crumble with every new “talkie,” so too has He-Who-Shan’t-Be-Named. It’s affecting his legacy. ESPN polls from last week show that 54 percent of fans believe Minnesota won’t make it past the first round of the playoffs. Another revealed that 68 percent don’t think he’s good for football. When asked if he had ruined his reputation among Packer fans, 74 percent said either he had ruined it with by signing with the Vikings or had ruined it long ago.

Instead of Paul Bunyan, he’s turned into Paul Reubens. Instead of John Henry, he’s become John Wayne … but not the dignified elder “Red River” John Wayne, but the asthmatic “True Grit” John Wayne with the eye patch.

It’s nothing new for an athlete to wear out his welcome, nor is it new for athletes to struggle with the limelight going out on them, but what we’re seeing here is a systematic destruction of 15 years of a Hall of Fame career, which is unprecedented in any other sport. The same way O.J. Simpson’s legacy is four parts murder and thievery and one part 11,236 career rushing yards for Buffalo, He-Who-Shan’t-Be-Named has gone from five parts greatness to three parts greatness, one part mediocre final act and one part selfish wanker who left football with as much class as the Clintons left the White House. Just as Barry Bonds will be as remembered for steroids as he will for hitting 762 home runs, so to will Green Bay fans continue to create t-shirts like the one on the right.

Honestly, could you have imagined something like this being worn by a Packer fan four years ago? Arguably no one has done more damage to their reputation without doing something illegal than No. 4 has. Wisconsin is his Mecca. If he’s losing his base, imagine what the bandwagoneers and fairweathers must think? Unless he’s being plastered all over ESPN’s slow weekday broadcasts, or suspiciously paraded out (from retirement) in front of the public to take the heat off of Michael Vick’s return to the NFL,* fans probably don’t think of him at all.

And that must kill He-Who-Shan’t-Be-Named. To be thought of is really all he wants; all he’s ever wanted.

But just as John Henry died after over-exerting himself swinging a hammer, Paul Bunyan died in secrecy and the Jolly Green Giant was urged to resign after marrying longtime partner Sprout in a Iowa, so too will He-Who-Shan’t-Be-Named eventually retire from the spotlight. But with every year that it doesn’t happen, he becomes less of a legend and more of a has-been lost in an importance that doesn’t really exist.

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* Perhaps the best rumor that I’ve heard is one that suggests this most recent un-retirement was orchestrated by the NFL. Although some suggest He-Who-Shan’t-Be-Named simply didn’t feel like putting in a lot of time at training camp, it’s also possible that he was ready to go a month ago when he announced that he’d stay retired. Knowing the Michael Vick signing was imminent and would be widely seen as a black eye for football, the NFL opted to hold off on their Minnesota ace until they needed a sure-fire distraction from the Vick situation.

What more sure-fire distraction could there be than a marquee QB un-retiring again?

The Viking’s website had his face slickly plastered on the team’s homepage, the store page was updated – both within minutes of him coming out of retirement. The unnamed Viking (who has since been named – sorta) who was positive No. 4 would be a Viking within days, despite everything pointing to the contrary added a little flair of Oliver Stone conspiracy theorism. Then there was the odd timing of the un-retirement being announced 18 hours after the Vick interview on “60 Minutes” was hitting the air (four days after Vick was signed by the Eagles) …

Really, it’s the most logical theory for an illogical situation centered around one of the most illogical superstars in football history.

You heard it here first.

Photos courtesy of Flickr

Here’s a recap of the weirdest o

Monday Lions WR scratches himself up on his golf cart – hilarity and shame ensue.  Football
Tuesday Maxim Magazine brought the funny when they “hacked” into David Ortiz’s Gmail account. Baseball
Wednesday Why did ESPN ban Twitter? ‘Cause it’s unmarketable, dummy. Sports Broadcasting
Thursday No 9-year-old would ever be on the NBA’s radar … would he? Basketball
Friday Nothing is as funny or sad as this little league catcher watching the same kid hit five homers in one game. Baseball
Saturday Dorm Golf: The best way for engineering students to make mom proud, poly-sci students to make mom angry. Golf
Sunday At this point, will people even remember that Favre used to be good? Football
Eighth Day These sporting robots are almost as fast and efficient as Dwyane Wade.

Last week, Forbes Magazine, through E-Poll surveys, polled its readers and compiled a top 10 list of the most disliked people in sports. I was confused at first why it was Forbes and not, say, Sports Illustrated executing such a poll. I mean, these are sports figures we’re talking about, isn’t ESPN’s magazine better equipped? Forbes may not be the foremost expert on sports, but flip through any issue of their magazine or click on any page of their web site … dudes know a lot about hateable personalities.

But the list isn’t as much of a reflection of the Forbes company as it is about the company’s readers (ages 13 and up). And what’s reflected is a severe case of “lemmingism.” Everyone who made the list makes sense, but are they a true reflection of the most disliked sports figures?

I mean, hockey is one of the five largest sports in the country (and Canada, if you care) and no one from the NHL represented. Most of the names you’ll see here are hated because of overexposure more than their actions that caused the overexposure. Can they be blamed for that? And if they can, why isn’t Erin Andrews at the top of this list? (She’s not) Heck, one of these guys retired 17 years ago. Is that the best (worst) Forbes readers could come up with? Do they even follow sports?

In the words of the 10th most disliked athlete, “you cannot be serious.”

1. Michael Vick
Why he’s here? Yeah, okay. This isn’t surprising. He had dogs kill one another in his off time. Honestly, if Vick had murdered a human, his jail sentence would have been longer, but he’d be no more hated than he is now.
Does he belong? I’ll put it this way … yes. Yes, he does.
Possible replacement Brett Favre. Vick’s infamy was brutal and awful, but it was also original. You know what isn’t original? Brett Favre’s annual hijacking of the sports pages while he decides if he wants to be a professional suckwad or a retired suckwad. Most of the guys on this list are on here because people are tired of hearing about them. On that front, Favre is head, shoulders and suckwad ahead of everyone else.

2. Manny Ramirez
Why he’s here? Steroids. He used ‘em. He got caught for using ‘em and he missed almost a third of the season for using ‘em.
Does he belong? Dodger fans don’t think so. Manny gets L.A. fans giggly-er than girls at a sleepover.
Possible replacement Sean Avery. I wanted to put a woman on here, but I’m unconvinced that Serena Williams counts. I guess Avery is as close as we’re going to get. I mean, c’mon … these are women’s sunglasses, dude. New York’s self-proclaimed bad boy has literally lobbied to be marketed like a WWE villain, which is not only a tacit admittance that he’s a wanker on the ice, but he’s seemingly badmouthed every last one of his hot and famous ex-girlfriends. Anyone who badmouths Elisha Cuthbert: unlikable. That’s a rule.

3. Alex Rodriguez
Why he’s here? Overexposure. Perhaps the overwhelming disgust for both Madonna and Kate Hudson has spilled over onto him as well.
Does he belong? If you take into account America’s tendency to convert jealousy into hatred along with the fact that he’s dating a movie starlet, makes $25 million a year to play a game in the most famous city in the world and cheated so as to help him achieve all these things, then yeah. I reckon he belongs.
Possible replacement Kyle Busch. This little pipsqueak. This picture best illustrates why he really ought to have made this list. And if you’re a NASCAR apologist, then what about when he snapped the Nashville Superspeedway Les Paul guitar trophy into shards ’cause he was just so gosh darned excited. A-Rod’s a tool that seems embarrassed by himself a lot of the time. Busch shares no such embarrassment.

4. Terrell Owens
Why he’s here? An inability to censor his narcissism.
Does he belong? He belongs for the amount of time various media outlets have spent talking about him over the years, but generally, Owens has done very little to warrant the ire of the American people. At worst, he’s been a bad teammate. Then again, his statistics suggest he’s made his teams better. It’s all about perception.
Possible replacement Tom Brady. Oh no! Not my sweet Tom. What’s he ever done to anyone except urinate awesomeness and use unicorn horns to pick Superbowl glory out of his teeth? Well go ask Bridget Moynahan. He knocked up Coyote Ugly, split while she was pregnant, ignored the birth while pretending not to ignore the birth, hooked up with a Brazilian supermodel (superfluous pic here) and impotently allowed her to treat Moynahan’s kid as if it were her own. Oh, then he had the gall to skip the 2008 season. So I ask you, what’s worse: being a bad teammate with good stats or being a bad husband, father and man with no stats?

5. Kobe Bryant
Why he’s here? Smugness and possibly rape. Mostly smugness.
Does he belong? For the smugness? Yes. For the possible rape? I’d have to visit Denver a few more times to say for certain.
Possible replacement Fedor Emelianenko. People just don’t like it when someone so obviously talented doesn’t need fans’ approval to stay talented. We don’t like when talented people clamor for it either (see: Rod, A) but when you’re good and you know it and no one can do a damn thing about it, it tends to alienate fans. Fans want to feel a part of it all and when they know they’re not a part of any of it, it pisses them off. Now you tell me, which one of these two was I just talking about?

6. Allen Iverson
Why he’s here? Because people like “gangsters,” not “gangstas.”
Does he belong? Iverson hasn’t been relevant in two years. Right now, only three teams have shown any interest in paying him to play basketball and one of those teams is in Greece. Hating an irrelevant Iverson is like hating the words to a song a toddler just wrote.
Possible replacement Mark Cuban. If the fine readers over at Forbes want to flippantly throw Iverson on here because he came into the NBA with cornrows and tattoos and everyone was depressed that Michael Jordan was gone, that’s fine. Now allow me to retort by submitting my own irrationally-justified basketball personality. Mark Cuban is loud, he picks fights with players, his hair is often mussed, he likes Jason Kidd too much, his cha-cha-cha is a 1/2-step too slow and he was accused of insider trading. But go ahead, convince me a neck tattoo is worse.

7. Isiah Thomas
Why he’s here? Sexual harassment … and because he hasn’t done anything well since 1993.
Does he belong? Oh yeah. He might have tried to kill himself and when it didn’t work, he might have tried convincing authorities that his daughter was the one who was ill. Also he sexual harassed a woman (not daughter related).
Possible replacement I had a whole case for either Al Davis or George Steinbrenner and although they both totally deserve to be on here, the readers polled by Forbes accidentally got this one right. Isiah Thomas is awful.

8. Stephon Marbury
Why he’s here? Sociopathology.
Does he belong? Absolutely not. Oh sure he’s been a locker room cancer on each of the last four teams he’s played before arriving in Boston, but few noticed until he got to New York and became Isiah Thomas’ cancer. But seeing as how Thomas is more disliked than Starbury, isn’t this a clear-cut case of “the enemy of my enemy is my friend?” Friends don’t put friends on disliked lists. Think of it this way: Stephon Marbury builds the character of every NBA player with whom he comes in contact. Good for the game.
Possible replacement Brock Lesnar. And since very often “bad” is good for the game, who better to illustrate this than the UFC’s Brock Lesnar? Look, you don’t get more white than Brock. He’s a 6-foot-3, 265-pound farm boy who lives and trains in the Minnesota woods, has a drooling problem, drinks Coors and signifies that “he’s No. 1″ with the wrong fingers. He’s thoroughly unlikeable, yet UFC has never been more popular. It’s far more fun to hate than to love.

9. Nick Saban
Why he’s here? Bullying. Lying. Willfully living in Alabama.
Does he belong? Nah. For $32 million, I’d probably live in Alabama too. But I wouldn’t talk to anybody.
Possible replacement Brett Favre (again). Yes, but what better way to emphasize how disliked he is than by having him wear out his welcome on this list, just as he’s worn out his welcome in the NFL. Remember in “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out” when you beat Bald Bull and then later in the game a meaner, tougher Bald Bull returned? Such is Favre. Just when his awfulness seems to subside, another offseason arrives and it takes three star punches to get him to go away.

10. John McEnroe
Why he’s here? Because he was really outspoken three decades ago.
Does he belong? About as much as a polar bear at the Pyramids.
Possible replacement O.J. Simpson. McEnroe was a loudmouth infamous for throwing hissyfits (and rackets) and complaining about almost every call that didn’t go his way. Essentially he was an NBA player. But all of this happened in the past. He’s retired from the pro tour now. So if inactive players are suddenly eligible for this list, why not pick an athlete who, you know, probably murdered two people? Bonus: How great would it be to have two Buffalo Bills in the top 10?

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Vick, Ramirez, Rodriguez, McEnroe photos courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via Getty Images
All other photos courtesy of Flickr

Attention Minnesota quarterbacks, beg for Brett Favre now!

It’s obvious the Vikings want Brett Favre, but the four quarterbacks on Minnesota’s roster should be filibustering for No. 4 to come to the Twin Cities. It’s simple, being Favre’s backup is too good of an opportunity to pass up, and all four of the current Vikings QBs are going nowhere as it is.

Sage Rosenfels has done nothing good in the NFL. The only thing he’s known for is the “Rosencopter” game with the Texans, where he blew a 10-point lead to the Colts with 3:50 remaining. John David Booty was a second-rate quarterback at USC, and don’t get us started on Tavaris Jackson and Gus Frerotte.

But all four of those guys should be clamoring to become Brett Favre’s backup. It’s a time-honored tradition for that backup to shine after a few years behind the grizzled one. And even if it’s just one year, that’s better than any of those four attempting to be the Vikings’ starter.

Just take another look at four of the hundreds of quarterbacks who had the pleasure of doing nothing on the sidelines while Brett Favre was with the Packers.
.
Doug Pederson This guy had a pretty sweet deal going. In two stints with the Packers (1995-98 and 2001-04) he threw 77 total passes. That’s how many Favre racks up in two games. And there’s a reason some of Favre’s best years happened when Pederson was on the roster. Pederson helped Favre prepare for games, and thanks to his work, Pederson got himself a coaching position with the Eagles.

Matt Hasselbeck He had the transition down to perfection. The bald-one threw 29 total passes in two seasons of holding a clipboard in Green Bay. Then he moved on to the Seahawks with Favre’s favorite coach and became legit. Matty also got his name in NFL lore with his famous “We want the ball, we’re gonna score” line against the Packers in the playoffs. Sure, he threw an interception and lost the game to Favre’s boys a few plays later, but he bounced back with a Super Bowl appearance.

Aaron Rogers You have to admire this kid. He fell like a rock during the NFL draft, spent a few years as Favre’s backup, was caught up in the middle of Brett’s summer-long trade-demand in 2008, and still managed to put together a nice season in his first year as a starter. On top of all that, he managed not to flame out in the NFL despite being a Jeff Tedford quarterback. And there’s no doubt he benefited from those years on the Green Bay bench.

Jim McMahon Yeah, that’s right. The punk Bears QB with the headband was Favre’s backup in 1995 and 1996. He even won another Super Bowl ring by doing absolutely nothing on the bench. If you want proof that you can extend your career with Favre, he’s it.