It’s hard to speak poorly of the dead. If for no other reason than because it’s taboo to do so and most people kinda tune you out. You can’t speak poorly of most dead people. Can’t do it. Certainly can’t do it right after they died.

So I won’t speak poorly of former Yankees owner, George M. Steinbrenner III. I’ll speak poorly of his biggest competitors: the Boston Red Sox.

Seven years ago, the Miami Heat retired Michael Jordan’s number during the final game of their regular season.  Not the Bulls. Not the Wizards. The Heat. At the time, it was the only number the team had retired – a number of a man that never played for their team, and in fact, did quite a lot of damage to them over the course of the ’90s. It was pitiful then and it remains pitiful now. How can a team that was directly made worse by a competitor, go on and decide to honor them as if the pleasure of getting hammered was all theirs?

The Red Sox sent out a statement yesterday extolling the virtues of the former owner of the only team in baseball able to make the mighty Sawx feel like insignificant little sisters. This part is somewhat understandable, as it was created on behalf of several Red Sox executives who worked with or near Steinbrenner over the past four decades.

But it’s not just a statement coming from Boston. On Thursday, it’ll be a Statement (note the capitalization of the word). From boston.com:

The Red Sox will observe a moment of silence in Steinbrenner’s memory on Thursday, July 15, 2010 at Fenway Park before the club’s matchup against the Texas Rangers at 7:10 p.m.

What? Oh. Wait … what? No!

Many of you will not care about this, not bat an eye or think this decision odd. But it is. For Red Sox fans, it SO is. It’s one thing to be disrespectful of a dead man. For example, I wouldn’t condone a moment of  boos in memory of Steinbrenner. But to take a moment to show appreciation for a man whom the Red Sox should not and did not appreciate seems hollow. Hell, the Yankees won’t even be there to hear the nothingness. Boston is having a moment of silence for themselves.

Steinbrenner was a powerful and influential man, perhaps one of the most powerful and influential the game has ever seen. He’s certainly one of the most powerful and influential the modern game has ever seen. And he used his power and influence to bring seven World Series titles to the Red Sox’s closest and most obvious competitor. But – and this is very important – for 30 years, the Red Sox hated him for it. It wasn’t until the last nine years that the Red Sox fully embraced Steinbrenner’s philosophy on winning.

So the question here is – just as it was when they hung No.23 in the Miami Heat rafters – why? Just ’cause? Because Steinbrenner is dead now and he wasn’t on Monday? Why honor a guy who only helped your ball club achieve international fame by embarrassing it over and over on national television? The Red Sox-Yankees rivalry may have started lifetimes ago, but it only started getting competitive a decade ago.

Maybe the moment of silence should be for an era when the Red Sox weren’t as full of it as the Yankees.

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Photo courtesy of Flickr

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Monday Okay, fine. Duke. Whoopty-doo. Here’s one last Scheyer-face. “Scheyer Marshall Bill.” NCAAB
Tuesday Don’t offend me by pretending you’re too good for a few minutes of B-Ball Dog. Basketball
Wednesday No Armed Man is here to shame your game. Golf
Thursday I can’t explain why, but this is the most hypnotic thing you’ll watch today. F1
Friday Oh, I suppose that since you watched B-Ball Dog, you feel you’re too good to watch B-Ball Rats? Basketball
Saturday Ceremonial first pitches? Good. Hot chicks? Good. Hot chicks throwing ceremonial first pitches? Meh. Baseball
Sunday Why not remove all humans from the soccer field – there aren’t any humans left in the stands. (Editor’s note: ZING!) Soccer
The Eight Day Wee Mr. Sacco is either on his way to great things or a long, drunk, depressed existence.

Here’s a recap of the weirdest or most overlooked sports stories on the Interweb this week. Plus, as you’ve come to expect, I’d have added more coral-colored fingerpaints, but that’s just me.

Monday In the end it wasn’t the 175 mph F1′s that got Stirling Moss, but a busted elevator. Formula One
Tuesday It always surprises me anytime footage of Babe Ruth is uncovered in which he’s not hitting a dinger. Baseball
Wednesday “I’m just an idiot.” – Dan Orlovsky.  Yes, but an idiot with a sense of humor at least. Football
Thursday I’m beginning to understand why Sharapova ain’t good no more. Tennis
Friday The more reports I hear coming out of Canada about the night of the gold medal hockey game, the more I regret not looting the hell out of Winchester. Hockey
Saturday $500 bucks will get you a season’s worth of Red Sox games (sweet!) … from the comfort of a nearby bar (oh.) Baseball
Sunday A cop got his picture taken with Ben Roethlisburger an hour before Big Ben got himself in trouble. Clearly these two circumstances are connected. Football
Eighth Day Jackson Pollack is spinning over in his grave … to the tune of “Chelsea Dagger.”

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Here’s a recap of the weirdest or most overlooked sports stories on the Interweb this week. Plus, as you’ve come to expect, the secret to the Wings’ success.

Monday Red Sox fan? It’s only a matter of time before you’re robbing banks. Baseball

Tuesday Wooden Thurman Thomas statue? Why not? Stolen Thurman Thomas statue? Okay. Yeah. Why not? Football

Wednesday Tennis on a hyper-speed bullet train sounds cooler than all other forms of tennis. Tennis

Thursday Can anyone stay awake for women’s golf – even if Natalie Gulbis is on the course? Nope. Debate settled. Golf

Friday A race to 300 yards: Race car versus a golf ball. Who ya got? Golf

Saturday You know all the shenanigans Chad OchoCinco has pulled in the last few years? Does this make up for it? Football

Sunday Three runners died at the Detroit Half Marathon. But seeing as how this is Detroit, all-in-all, the event was a success. Running

Eighth Day See? If sports wouldn’t be as homophobic as it is, this wouldn’t be nearly as funny. You gotta appreciate the little things. Hockey

SportScape reporter Critic Al freed himself from the haze of the press box cigar smoke and Glenlivet hangover to bring you his well chewed-over picks for this year’s 2009 MLB Playoffs.

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Hello, race fans. I call you race fans because we’re gonna have ourselves quite a few heats in the month of October. We’ve got some old faces and some new faces … actually, that ain’t true. It’s mostly old faces. These teams have all been here before. This is about learning from the past and correcting yourself accordingly. Let’s see how they’ll fare.

A  L  D  S

New York Yankees vs. Minnesota Twins
It took the Twins 163 games of scratchin’ and clawin’ last season for the Twinkles to make it to the playoffs to get stomped by the Rays. The only thing different about this year is the uniform coming out of the AL East and the perception that Minnesota had a chance last season. Yankees in 3.

Boston Red Sox vs. Anaheim Angels
Normally when  a record gets stuck on the turntable I throw a shoe at it. Usually I’m not coordinated or sober enough to actually hit the record player, so I get up, walk over and pick up the needle by hand. What I don’t do is expect the record to unskip itself. After three years of these two teams meeting in the first round, why should I expect a different outcome? Call me when the A’s make it back into the fold. Red Sox in 5.

N  L  D  S

Philadelphia Phillies vs. Colorado Rockies
The scrappy band of misfits always find a way to win unfavorable circumstances in Hollywood movies. In this instance, the circumstances are at their most unfavorable. I mean, Pedro Martinez is coming out of the bullpen and Shane Victorino is the team’s sixth best hitter. Guys like Adam Sandler hook up with girls like Jessica Biel and Kate Beckensale in Hollywood movies too, so that tells you how realistic Hollywood movies are. Rocktober ends next week. Phillies in 5.

Los Angeles Dodgers vs. St. Louis Cardinals
St. Louis’ Adam Wainwright and Chris Carpenter might see two starts in this series and considering them two boys won 75 perent of their starts this season and considering Vicente Padilla will be appearing at some point in this series, I’d say this one is already kinda finished. Alfred Hithcock used to have his films mapped out before he ever shot a frame of film. The biggest inconvenience, he said, was actually going through the trouble of getting it on celluloid. The biggest inconvenience here is actually watching the Cardinals get to the NLCS. Between the constant tinkering of managers Joe Torre and Tony La Russa, it’s gonna take forever. Cardinals in 4.

A  L  C  S

Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees
Well, well, well. Turner Broadcasting will be just thrilled with this. Too bad no one west of the Hamptons can say the same. The only good thing about this matchup will be the guarantee that one of these squads will be gone. Money can buy you entry into the playoffs, but it certainly can’t buy you exciting baseball. Take a look at the rosters of all eight teams in this year’s playoffs and tell me these two teams aren’t the most boring. They’re both like coal-powered locomotives. They won’t be stopped, but they won’t be pretty, either. Yankees in 5.

N  L  C  S

Philadelphia Phillies vs. St. Louis Cardinals
This is the series I’m most excited for. Wait. Is that excitement? That might be heartburn. Yeah. Yeah, that’s heartburn. Turns out I don’t really care about this series either. I’m just hoping Albert Pujols finishes the job he started against Brad Lidge four years ago in Houston. Grown men openly weeping on pitchers mounds has the same effect on me as nitrous oxide. Phillies in 6.

W  O  R  L  D    S  E  R  I  E  S

Philadelphia Phillies vs. New York Yankees
Indians fans must be jazzed about this outcome, huh? Cliff Lee vs. CC Sabathia. Watch the Cubs spend the entire offseason trying to procure Grady Sizemore only to settle for Travis Hafner. Then watch ‘em convince the entire North Side of Chicago that this is just as good. Wild prediction: Game 3 will go into extra innings. Mariano Rivera will pitch two innings and be forced to bat. Pedro Martinez will come on in relief and finally after all these years plunk Mo right in the back. Martinez will check off another item on his bucket list. The Yankees get additional wind ‘neath their wings. Yankees win in 7.

Juan Rivera, that was a catchable ball. You? You could’ve caught that. Catching that ball to stop the Red Sox from winning on Wednesday was within your grasp … literally.

I’ve run out of ways to phrase it.

Juan – may I call you Juan? You could’ve taken your 3-for-5, 2 RBI night into the 10th inning and, perhaps eventually, the winning locker room if you had run a tad faster. Bent down just a little. Attempted a diving catch. Look where this ball landed? What would you family say at that kind of effort?

Nothing is what. They’re probably speechless from embarrassment, because again, you could have caught that ball and stopped Alex Gonzalez’s game-winning single. So why didn’t you?

It’s the Yankees isn’t it? If the Red Sox lose their 6.5-game lead over the Rangers for the wildcard, your Angels will have to play New York in the first round. And you don’t want that, do you? So you’re gonna do any- and everything to make sure the Red Sox don’t lose that 6.5-game lead, aren’t you?

Not cool, Juan.

I hope your odd decision to simply let Boston have Wednesday’s game was worth listening to Mike Scioscia blubber behind the closed door of his clubhouse office. He’s quite the blubberer.

Next time, dive.

Video here.

Earlier this summer, Henry fired the team’s Vice President for Planning and Development Janet Marie Smith, 51, who had been in charge of each and every change and development in Fenway Park for the better part of this decade. She’s the one that installed seats on top of the Green Monster – a travesty to Fenway purists, but man did those seats sell! Smith was generally considered to be quite good at her job and had a long track record of success. That’s all well and good, but Smith was neither 30 years younger than the boss nor married to him, which meant she had to go.

Several weeks after Henry and Pizzuti were married, Smith was out the door. And just last week, Pizzuti took her place at one of the big desks in Fenway’s executive offices. Damn those Real Housewives, because here’s the slick part: Pizzuti, a sustainable land developer for Boston’s North end, is completely qualified to take over Smith’s position. She earned a bachelors from Babson College and a masters in Real Estate Development from MIT.

So what’s the problem? Well, for Sawx fans or enthusiasts of the old building on Yawkey Way, this regime change carries with it implications big enough for Jason Varitek’s thighs to fit in.

The first implication is that the days of Team President and CEO Larry Luccino are numbered. Luccino was the biggest supporter of Smith and her belief that the Red Sox should buy the property around the ballpark so that no condos or office buildings can be built to overshadow it.

What’s that you say? Pizzuti worked as a luxury condo developer before latching on to John Henry? Oh, okay. I see what’s going on here.

For years, there has been a civil war between those who think the Red Sox should profit off of the land surrounding Fenway that the team owns and the preservationists who feel, like Wrigley Field in Chicago and Camden Yards in Baltimore, that the atmosphere surrounding the ballpark is a large selling point for the Red Sox brand. Up until this point, the preservationists had prevailed, but with this latest personnel shuffle, it looks as if that’s about to change.

Both sides deny that Smith was fired, leaving the public to either distrust a lying Red Sox front office or believe that this is all just a kooky coincidence. I’m gonna go with the former of the two choices, if for no other reason than the bobblehead pictured at right. Look at that thing. It was given to everyone who attended their wedding. But compare it to the above photo. John Henry is standing in the exact same pose, wearing the same clothes. I don’t trust a man who walks around striking bobblehead poses. It’s just that simple.

From the Boston Herald:

“Janet Marie was told to go because Linda’s taking over the whole damn place,” said one person familiar with Smith’s exit. Another source said, “Janet was thrown under the bus and everything is a mess as a result of the young bride. The Chinese symbol for conflict is two women under one roof.”

It’s all so seedy. While Smith fought for the park’s preservation and growth, Pizzuti was sidling up to the owner, posing in matching black shirts for bobbleheads and planning on how to apply her trade for the biggest game in town. Heck, they even had their wedding on the grounds where the war was being waged. How sick is that?

Photos courtesy of Flickr

You gotta figure Red Sox skipper Terry Francona was jealous that Kevin Youkilis got to vent some frustration in Tuesday’s brawl and he didn’t. I mean, what was Tito going to do? Poke Jim Leyland in the eye? Leyland is, like, 90-something years old and I’m still not sure Francona would come away unscathed. It’s a no-win situation, like arm-wrestling a girl.

Four batters after the well-publicized brawl in the second inning at Fenway, Francona stuffed as much Dubble Bubble into his mouth as he could and stomped out to second base ump Scott Barry to argue a baserunning call.

It’s difficult to articulate the amount of gum Francona usually carries in his mouth, much as it is difficult to capture the magnitude of China’s Great Wall when you are standing a foot away from it.

Anyway, the argument was either a disaster or it went swimmingly. It depends on whether Francona hoped to get thrown out. Either way, he did get tossed. I blame the gum. I’m sure something was lost in translation between Francona, the garbled words of a major league manager trying to speak with a giant rubbery wad of pink goop bouncing around in his mouth and the ump. So Francona, in what I assume was a gesture of good faith, removed it from his mouth and whipped it somewhere toward the pitcher’s mound.

The umps examine Francona's gum seconds before it's thrown

Maybe it hit the infield grass, maybe not. You can find the video here.

Who do you suppose took care of that gum? It certainly wasn’t Francona. I’m pretty sure angrily flinging your gum onto the infield dirt only to go and pick it up again is like breaking up with your girlfriend and then asking her to drive you home after you do it.

But know this: Someone went and got that gum. The grounds crew at major league parks cover every inch of that field before, during and after games. There’s no way they’d let a pink glob of spit and sugar sit there for Victor Martinez to cleat and trip all over. Gum underneath a cleat is just awful. You can’t even imagine.

Might the grounds crew rock-paper-scissors for who had to go out there? Do they have a specific member on “infield debris” detail? ‘Cause you know THAT poor guy considers himself the low man on the totem pole. I would hope that for his sake, as soon as that gum touched down, he was out there with rubber gloves ready to scoop it up without being told; like a tennis ball boy or the guys with the mops under basketball nets. Just as long as he got there without being told. There aren’t many lower moments in a man’s life than when the crew chief turns to you and tells you to go fetch Francona’s gum.

As crazy as Sawx fans are ahr, the team could have pointed to just about anyone in the Fenway stands to pick up the wad and do with it whatever they wanted.

I’m thinking eBay.

Here’s a recap of the weirdest or most overlooked sports stories on the Interweb this week. Plus, as you’ve come to expect, the first Electrolyte Brite.

Monday Jack from Mellencamp’s “Jack & Diane” is doing well. I wonder if Cougar still lets authority always win?  Football
Tuesday I’ll only say this once. In the future I’ll deny it … I wish the U.S. All-Star Game was more like Taiwan’s. Baseball
Wednesday The Aussie Rules Football mascot-hooligan fan fight happened (again). Footy
Thursday Dime Magazine asks “What is cheating in sports?” Baseball/Basketball
Friday Ron Artest re-enacts the Malice At the Palace … for an Asian pop star at an aquatic theme park. Of course! Basketball
Saturday ‘Cause nothing angers drunk sports fans like some hot lesbo Kiss-Cam. WNBA
Sunday The Globe releases its big story about the just-fired, steroid-using Sawx security guards four days too late. Baseball
Eighth Day Check out Gatorade’s new Jordan commerical. Sports infiltrating art is way better than anything else infiltrating art.

Boston baseball fans will tell you they have a sixth sense about their brethren. They’ll tell you they have inside information of their beloved team and the players connected to it that is otherwise unavailable to those foreign to Red Sox Nation. They’ll tell you they patiently waited out David Ortiz‘s horrific spring slump without boos or jeers because they knew – they just knew – Papi would turn it around. Without telling you that they know more than you, Sawx fans will tell you they know more than you.

Don’t believe ‘em.

These formerly nasty and hardened baseball elitists are melting faster than Greenland’s glaciers. They’re softening up like campfire marshmallows and they’re doing it twice as quickly. And if you don’t believe me, take a look at the ovation Fenway Pahk gave their former Rookie of the Year, Nomar Garciaparra, in his return to the place he spent 8 1/2 years being the face of the franchise.

“Backwards ramoN” earned two batting titles in 1999 and 2000 for the Red Sox, hit .323 for the team and .377 at Fenway, the highest average in that park of any active player with at least 1,000 at-bats. And for that, on Monday night, the Boston faithful were faithful to something besides Boston. Garciaparra tapped his chest, tipped his cap and looked around the familiar field as Bostonians showered one of the most popular Red Sox in the last 20 years with a one-minute standing ovation.

But this is Boston. Short of New York and Philadelphia fans, are there any more brutal louts crashing the games these days? There didn’t used to be. And Garciaparra is different than Ortiz’s struggles. For starters, he’s still on the team. Garciaparra left town a villain, right?

Remember?

Two months after sending Garciaparra to the Cubs in 2004, the Red Sox won the franchise’s first World Series in 86 years. His former teammates voted to give him a World Series ring. Curt Schilling noted that if it were not for Nomar, the Sox may not have been in a position to win at all that year. At the time, the decision to give Garciaparra a ring felt like a parent deciding not to ground their child for missing curfew for no other reason that they’re just relieved the kid is home safe. It’s over. Let’s do all we can to put it behind us. Even just two months after his departure, No-mah’s history with Boston was being rewritten.

So let’s rewrite the rewritten parts and look at the end of Garciaparra’s run in Beantown:

• After initially agreeing on a four-year, $60 million deal, Garciaparra wanted an $8 million signing bonus that would bring the total value to a Derek Jeter-ish $17 million per year. The Red Sox weren’t feeling it.
• In the offseason prior to 2004, Boston tried to get Alex Rodriguez, who at the time still played the same position as Garciaparra. Ain’t nothin’ quite as maddening as the guy you’re dating eyeballin’ another woman.
• Stories were written claiming Garciaparra felt that throughout the 2003 season management instructed the grounds crew to rough up the dirt at shortstop so it would be tougher for him to make plays.
• Because of his impending marriage, he refused to shave his head with most of his teammates during the 2003 ALCS (this one seems reasonable, but it’s just another example of the erosion that went on between Nomar and Red Sox fans).
• During a 13-inning grudge match with the Yankees in July 2004 (weeks before he’d be traded to Chicago), Garciaparra poutingly sat on the bench while teammate Pokey Reese made a number of crackerjack plays in his place.

But there he was on Monday, almost five years later, decked in Oakland’s gold and green stepping out of the batter’s box to acknowledge a throng of fans acting as if he retired in July 2004 instead of being catapulted the hell out of town. I’d expect that nonsense in San Diego or Kansas City or any place else that has easygoing fans satisfied with just having ever had a good player, even for a fleeting moment. But Boston? This isn’t the Boston I know. Where were the “NoMore Garciaparra”  or “Mr. Mia Hamm” signs? Something … anything. A 60-second standing O? That’s soft. Wicked soft.

“They’re crazy fans,” Terry Francona, manager of the Red Sox said on Monday. “But they’re so wrapped up emotionally in their team and people that have been a part of their teams.”

Francona’s right – to a point. They’re appreciative of the “good guys” of Boston’s past. But by the time Garciaparra left, he wasn’t considered one. And he’s never been back since. With Garciaparra, nothing about his situation with Boston changed except time.

And apparently it’s precisely that which has softened up Red Sox Nation.

Go HERE for the video of Garciaparra’s return to Fenway.