Here’s a recap of the weirdest or most overlooked sports stories on the Interweb this week. Plus, as you’ve come to expect,

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Monday Remember that story of a Sox fan, his son and strangers having bathroom sex? Yeah, it’s now animated through the magic of Asian insanity. Baseball
Tuesday Honestly, I want to do this to all soccer players all the time. Soccer
Wednesday I cannot tell a lie: this has nothing to do with sports – unless you count drunkenly trying to put on flip-flops as a sport.
Thursday The only thing worse than playing for the Nets? Being low man on the Nets’ totem pole. Basketball
Friday If this happened after a touchdown in any NFL game it would be the awesomest. Also, it would never happen. Soccer
Saturday Ohmigod. They attempted the Iron Lotus! (NOTE: I’d like to apologize for that “Blades of Glory” reference. You and I are both better than that.) Soccer
Sunday Ben Roethlisburger is no longer fit to be seen with zoo animals. Jury’s still out on farm animals. Football
Eighth Day I love that the rest of the league treats Alex Rodriguez like the rich brat who gets dropped off at school in a limo and has no friends because of it.

The New York Post has been lapping up the sources feeding them information about a sudden-but-unsurprising rivalry between the girlfriends of the two most popular Yankees on the planet. Actress Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez are dating (publicly, grossly), and so are New York’s captain Derek Jeter and lesser known television actress Minka Kelly. The Post’s sources had no explanation for why the two starlets aren’t getting along other than proposing that their actions are “an extension of the ongoing A-Rod-Jeter rivalry.” Boy, the New York press just has to believe that Rodriguez and Jeter hate each other, don’t they? The supposed coolness between Kelly and Hudson couldn’t be a simple difference in personalities, could it? Hudson is a movie star who grew up near the hot warmth of stardom. Kelly? She’s almost famous (get it?). Kelly’s more famous than you, but not nearly as famous as Penny Lane.

According to a second NY Post feature on the Yankee Wives, there is a close-knit group of ‘em that act as negatively as you would assume unemployed women with millions of their husbands’ dollars to spend would act: like uppity jerks. Feel free to check this link if you’re interested in further details, but trust me, the wives don’t come off well. One part of the feature explains that there is a rule among the clique: no girlfriends.

So while Kelly sits quietly in Jeter’s private box (as the “rules” stipulate) Hudson was immediately embraced by the elite group. Why? It’s either their huge reverence for her step-dad’s work in “Escape From New York” or, uh, because Hudson’s more famous than any of their husbands.

The Yankee wives … fame whores? Flabbergasting.

If this coldness between Hudson and Kelly really does exist, it likely exists for one of two reasons. Either a) Kelly prompted the rumors because although both actresses have careers, Hudson’s is more notable or b) Hudson started all this by embracing the clique instead of influencing it to stop being so exclusive. Hudson, in essence, might have developed into a queen-bee among a bunch of bitchy drone bees.

A war such as this deserves a carefully considered tale of the tape. Kate or Minka: who ya got?

Last week, Forbes Magazine, through E-Poll surveys, polled its readers and compiled a top 10 list of the most disliked people in sports. I was confused at first why it was Forbes and not, say, Sports Illustrated executing such a poll. I mean, these are sports figures we’re talking about, isn’t ESPN’s magazine better equipped? Forbes may not be the foremost expert on sports, but flip through any issue of their magazine or click on any page of their web site … dudes know a lot about hateable personalities.

But the list isn’t as much of a reflection of the Forbes company as it is about the company’s readers (ages 13 and up). And what’s reflected is a severe case of “lemmingism.” Everyone who made the list makes sense, but are they a true reflection of the most disliked sports figures?

I mean, hockey is one of the five largest sports in the country (and Canada, if you care) and no one from the NHL represented. Most of the names you’ll see here are hated because of overexposure more than their actions that caused the overexposure. Can they be blamed for that? And if they can, why isn’t Erin Andrews at the top of this list? (She’s not) Heck, one of these guys retired 17 years ago. Is that the best (worst) Forbes readers could come up with? Do they even follow sports?

In the words of the 10th most disliked athlete, “you cannot be serious.”

1. Michael Vick
Why he’s here? Yeah, okay. This isn’t surprising. He had dogs kill one another in his off time. Honestly, if Vick had murdered a human, his jail sentence would have been longer, but he’d be no more hated than he is now.
Does he belong? I’ll put it this way … yes. Yes, he does.
Possible replacement Brett Favre. Vick’s infamy was brutal and awful, but it was also original. You know what isn’t original? Brett Favre’s annual hijacking of the sports pages while he decides if he wants to be a professional suckwad or a retired suckwad. Most of the guys on this list are on here because people are tired of hearing about them. On that front, Favre is head, shoulders and suckwad ahead of everyone else.

2. Manny Ramirez
Why he’s here? Steroids. He used ‘em. He got caught for using ‘em and he missed almost a third of the season for using ‘em.
Does he belong? Dodger fans don’t think so. Manny gets L.A. fans giggly-er than girls at a sleepover.
Possible replacement Sean Avery. I wanted to put a woman on here, but I’m unconvinced that Serena Williams counts. I guess Avery is as close as we’re going to get. I mean, c’mon … these are women’s sunglasses, dude. New York’s self-proclaimed bad boy has literally lobbied to be marketed like a WWE villain, which is not only a tacit admittance that he’s a wanker on the ice, but he’s seemingly badmouthed every last one of his hot and famous ex-girlfriends. Anyone who badmouths Elisha Cuthbert: unlikable. That’s a rule.

3. Alex Rodriguez
Why he’s here? Overexposure. Perhaps the overwhelming disgust for both Madonna and Kate Hudson has spilled over onto him as well.
Does he belong? If you take into account America’s tendency to convert jealousy into hatred along with the fact that he’s dating a movie starlet, makes $25 million a year to play a game in the most famous city in the world and cheated so as to help him achieve all these things, then yeah. I reckon he belongs.
Possible replacement Kyle Busch. This little pipsqueak. This picture best illustrates why he really ought to have made this list. And if you’re a NASCAR apologist, then what about when he snapped the Nashville Superspeedway Les Paul guitar trophy into shards ’cause he was just so gosh darned excited. A-Rod’s a tool that seems embarrassed by himself a lot of the time. Busch shares no such embarrassment.

4. Terrell Owens
Why he’s here? An inability to censor his narcissism.
Does he belong? He belongs for the amount of time various media outlets have spent talking about him over the years, but generally, Owens has done very little to warrant the ire of the American people. At worst, he’s been a bad teammate. Then again, his statistics suggest he’s made his teams better. It’s all about perception.
Possible replacement Tom Brady. Oh no! Not my sweet Tom. What’s he ever done to anyone except urinate awesomeness and use unicorn horns to pick Superbowl glory out of his teeth? Well go ask Bridget Moynahan. He knocked up Coyote Ugly, split while she was pregnant, ignored the birth while pretending not to ignore the birth, hooked up with a Brazilian supermodel (superfluous pic here) and impotently allowed her to treat Moynahan’s kid as if it were her own. Oh, then he had the gall to skip the 2008 season. So I ask you, what’s worse: being a bad teammate with good stats or being a bad husband, father and man with no stats?

5. Kobe Bryant
Why he’s here? Smugness and possibly rape. Mostly smugness.
Does he belong? For the smugness? Yes. For the possible rape? I’d have to visit Denver a few more times to say for certain.
Possible replacement Fedor Emelianenko. People just don’t like it when someone so obviously talented doesn’t need fans’ approval to stay talented. We don’t like when talented people clamor for it either (see: Rod, A) but when you’re good and you know it and no one can do a damn thing about it, it tends to alienate fans. Fans want to feel a part of it all and when they know they’re not a part of any of it, it pisses them off. Now you tell me, which one of these two was I just talking about?

6. Allen Iverson
Why he’s here? Because people like “gangsters,” not “gangstas.”
Does he belong? Iverson hasn’t been relevant in two years. Right now, only three teams have shown any interest in paying him to play basketball and one of those teams is in Greece. Hating an irrelevant Iverson is like hating the words to a song a toddler just wrote.
Possible replacement Mark Cuban. If the fine readers over at Forbes want to flippantly throw Iverson on here because he came into the NBA with cornrows and tattoos and everyone was depressed that Michael Jordan was gone, that’s fine. Now allow me to retort by submitting my own irrationally-justified basketball personality. Mark Cuban is loud, he picks fights with players, his hair is often mussed, he likes Jason Kidd too much, his cha-cha-cha is a 1/2-step too slow and he was accused of insider trading. But go ahead, convince me a neck tattoo is worse.

7. Isiah Thomas
Why he’s here? Sexual harassment … and because he hasn’t done anything well since 1993.
Does he belong? Oh yeah. He might have tried to kill himself and when it didn’t work, he might have tried convincing authorities that his daughter was the one who was ill. Also he sexual harassed a woman (not daughter related).
Possible replacement I had a whole case for either Al Davis or George Steinbrenner and although they both totally deserve to be on here, the readers polled by Forbes accidentally got this one right. Isiah Thomas is awful.

8. Stephon Marbury
Why he’s here? Sociopathology.
Does he belong? Absolutely not. Oh sure he’s been a locker room cancer on each of the last four teams he’s played before arriving in Boston, but few noticed until he got to New York and became Isiah Thomas’ cancer. But seeing as how Thomas is more disliked than Starbury, isn’t this a clear-cut case of “the enemy of my enemy is my friend?” Friends don’t put friends on disliked lists. Think of it this way: Stephon Marbury builds the character of every NBA player with whom he comes in contact. Good for the game.
Possible replacement Brock Lesnar. And since very often “bad” is good for the game, who better to illustrate this than the UFC’s Brock Lesnar? Look, you don’t get more white than Brock. He’s a 6-foot-3, 265-pound farm boy who lives and trains in the Minnesota woods, has a drooling problem, drinks Coors and signifies that “he’s No. 1″ with the wrong fingers. He’s thoroughly unlikeable, yet UFC has never been more popular. It’s far more fun to hate than to love.

9. Nick Saban
Why he’s here? Bullying. Lying. Willfully living in Alabama.
Does he belong? Nah. For $32 million, I’d probably live in Alabama too. But I wouldn’t talk to anybody.
Possible replacement Brett Favre (again). Yes, but what better way to emphasize how disliked he is than by having him wear out his welcome on this list, just as he’s worn out his welcome in the NFL. Remember in “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out” when you beat Bald Bull and then later in the game a meaner, tougher Bald Bull returned? Such is Favre. Just when his awfulness seems to subside, another offseason arrives and it takes three star punches to get him to go away.

10. John McEnroe
Why he’s here? Because he was really outspoken three decades ago.
Does he belong? About as much as a polar bear at the Pyramids.
Possible replacement O.J. Simpson. McEnroe was a loudmouth infamous for throwing hissyfits (and rackets) and complaining about almost every call that didn’t go his way. Essentially he was an NBA player. But all of this happened in the past. He’s retired from the pro tour now. So if inactive players are suddenly eligible for this list, why not pick an athlete who, you know, probably murdered two people? Bonus: How great would it be to have two Buffalo Bills in the top 10?

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Vick, Ramirez, Rodriguez, McEnroe photos courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via Getty Images
All other photos courtesy of Flickr

Manny Ramirez‘s return to Chavez Ravine on July 16 was overwhelmingly (and unsurprisingly) positive. Why not? They cheered Bonds in the Bay Area. Missourians still dig Big Mac (and Big Macs). They cheered Alex Rodriguez in the Bronx. Heck, New Yorkers even cheered Sergio Mitre after he threw 5.2 innings in a winning effort on Tuesday. The bottom line is that fans – generally speaking – want their players to be clean and awesome, but when push comes to shove, they’ll settle for just awesome.

And maybe at the major league level that’s actually okay to do – no matter what fans are told they’re supposed to feel about it. What have steroids been proven to do? The answer after all the bluster of the last half-decade, is not too much. Sure some of the superstars that have been decidedly guilty (if not proven so) for PEDs have seen a dramatic dropoff of their statistics after the point in which they were slammed. Miguel Tejada, Jason Giambi and Sammy Sosa all come to mind. But two of this season’s biggest stories have been Alex Rodriguez’s admitted use of steroids and Manny Ramirez’s 50-game suspension for taking care of her uterine wall.

Rodriguez missed 28 games at the start of the season because of a hip injury unrelated to the steroid scandal (supposedly) and Ramirez returned from his suspension at the beginning of this month. So how much different are those dirty rotten cheaters’ numbers been this season than their career averages? Again, not too much.

Ramirez’s 2009 statistics if averaged out over the course of a full season:

G PA AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI SB CS BB SO BA OBP SLG OPS
156 642   510   113   174    43     4     39     131    –     –   117   96    .340   .470    .666   1.136

Now, here are Ramirez’s numbers from his previous (presumably steroid-riddled) 15 seasons in the league:

Stat compilation courtesy of Baseball-Reference.com

G PA AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI SB CS BB SO BA OBP SLG OPS
157 682   547   97     138   19      0     45     131   14    2    121   109   .252   .397    .535    .932

Now, here are Rodriguez’s numbers from his previous (presumably cheat-filled, frosted-tipped) 14 seasons in the league:

Stat compilation courtesy of Baseball-Reference.com

Not all of Rodriguez’s stats are on par, but the big ones that get the headlines (and asterisks) are. He’s running less and earning fewer runs, but that isn’t necessarily even in Rodriguez’s control. What is in is control are homers, RBIs and his patience at the plate all of which surpasses even his 162-game averages (and few superstars still play all 162 games these days). Again, the aspects of Rodriguez’s game that would conceivably be punctured by a leak in the steady flow of steroids simply have not been affected.

One can extrapolate from these numbers that this is why an overwhelming amount of fans can’t be bothered losing sleep over this ongoing ruination of the game. If one believes Ramirez and Rodriguez are no longer using steroids (it would be simultaneously shocking and appropriate if they were), then one has to wonder at all the “fake and liar” talk is about that surrounded these two superstars. What were they lying about? Because it doesn’t appear to be statistics related. And judging by the applause those two players got in their first home games following their shamed revelations, the stats are really all anyone cares about.

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Photos courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via Getty Images

Look at this picture, what do you notice? Do you notice Alex Rodriguez (far left) being a twerp again? No? Well, keep reading.

The more one scrutinizes Rodriguez, the more abnormal he appears.

On Monday, Hideki Matsui slammed a game-winning walk-off home run. As the Yankees stood excitedly waiting for Godzilla to finish rounding the bases and jump into the team’s awaiting scrum at home plate, Rodriguez, outfielder Melky Cabrera and catcher Jorge Posada all motioned for him to toss off his helmet so that when his teammates mobbed him, they wouldn’t pound it euphorically into his skull.

“I was just going to step on home plate normally,” Matsui said, “but they told me to throw my helmet. So I threw my helmet.”

Perhaps it was the excitement of being a part of Matsui’s first career walk-off homer, but as the helmet went skyward, Rodriguez and Cabrera forgot all about the ensuing celebration at home and fought for position under the lofted helmet like two housewives in line moments before the doors open at a department store holiday sale. (Pictured, Rodriguez on the far right).

Their preoccupation with the helmet is strange, but I’d be willing to chalk it up to there being some inside joke regular folks just aren’t in on. But Cabrera wins the battle, grabs the helmet and continues bouncing into the throng of celebratory Yankees. It then seems like A-Rod will let it go, like someone attempting to shake hands with someone who wasn’t paying attention. It’s kind of a rejection, but y’know … it’s cool.

Rodriguez didn’t let it go. He energetically bounced his way closer to the group (but really, the helmet) and ripped it out of Cabrera’s hand like a child re-establishing that these are his toys you’re playing with to a friend visiting on a play date.

Cabrera looked vaguely surprised, but only for a moment, and then he went back to celebrating. Rodriguez, for his part, gripped the helmet like a trophy.

Weird, right?

A bully once took the Doritos from my lunch tray a few days decades ago. I was so unsuspecting of being bullied that I actually corrected the guy by telling him he grabbed my Doritos by mistake. The bully replied, “It’s no mistake” and walked away. There was no further discussion.

Wondering if Rodriguez ended up returning the helmet to Matsui made me recall that painful, painful memory.

This isn’t a big story. But it is a story. I read a description of Rodriguez several years ago, from an author I cannot recall, that described him as the kind of player who would rub dirt on the front of his uniform when no one was looking to appear as if he exerted himself during the game. And here he was Monday pretending to be ecstatic about his team’s dramatic win, when really, it appeared he was driven by … something else entirely.

And unfortunately for A-Rod, whether it be a dirty uniform or a purloined helmet, someone is always looking.

Video here or here.

Photo sequence after the jump.

One in 75. This is the ratio of average professional baseball players to elite ones.

In Major League Baseball’s 133-year history, 17,056 players have come and gone. From that, only 229 of those players are in the Hall of Fame (about 1 of every 74.5).

Yes, the roster sizes, number of teams and players churning up and down the farm system varies on an almost unquantifiable level, but for the sake of this hypothetical, let’s say that there are 25 players on a major league roster, multiplied by 30 teams …

… Hey! Don’t skip the math stuff just to get to the glossy pictures. Embrace the numbers.

Where was I? Oh right … 25 players multiplied by 30 teams equals 750 players currently playing baseball.

And no, I haven’t forgotten about the mere 16 teams in 1917 or 12 teams in 1897 or the dearth of players a century ago as compared to today. But this is a hypothetical, remember? If you trust that the overstuffed rosters of today cancel out the lack of expansion teams from yesteryear, then will too.

If one out of every 75 players makes it to the Hall of Fame and there are 750 players in the league right now, then the law of averages suggests there are 10 future Hall of Famers active in the league today. This suggestion is made more compelling when one considers what the Steroid Era will do to these averages (if anything).

Sidelines looks at the 10 most likely active players to make it into the Hall of Fame. Obvious Cooperstown-bound players like Alex or Ivan Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez and Andy Pettitte become less obvious because of their involvement with steroids. I’d still bet some of them get in, but I’d bet on the following 10 before any of the afore mentioned.

Fun facts about these 10 players: Six of them have played on the same team throughout their entire MLB careers. All but two of them played on one team for more than half of their careers. Half of these players played for either Seattle, a Canadian team or both at some point in their careers.

In no particular order:

Ken Griffey Jr.
Career highlights: 13-time All-Star, 1997 AL MVP, 600+ HRs
“The Natural” gets my vote because a) he made backwards baseball caps acceptable for grown men and b) because anyone who can ruin the lives of annoying sign-holders deserves special enshrinement.

Pedro Martinez
Career highlights: 8-time All-Star, 3-time AL Cy Young Award Winner, 3,100+ Ks
If Randy Johnson scared hitters stupid, Martinez – from 1997 to 2003 – just made them look that way. He was angrier than Greg Maddux, but just as smart. And then the year after his peak … he (and his wee friend) won a World Series.

Albert Pujols
Career highlights: 8-time All-Star, 2-time NL MVP, 2001 Rookie of the Year
Not even a gross last name can slow this guy. At his current pace, he’ll reach 500 homers by April of 2012, at the age of 32. Barry Bonds hit his 500th on April 17, 2001 three months before his 37th birthday and 15 days after Pujols made his MLB debut.

Mariano Rivera
Career highlights: 10-time All-Star, 3-time saves leader, 500+ career saves

The guy hasn’t started a game in over 14 years and at some point in all that time, you’d think someone would have convinced him that “Panama” was a better song to enter the ninth inning to than “Enter Sandman.”

Ichiro Suzuki
Career highlights: 9 seasons: 9-time Gold Glove Award winner, 9-time All-Star, 1999 AL MVP, 1999 Rookie of the Year
If the Hall loves two things it’s consistency and guys with silly names. But if the Hall loved three things, I’m sure the third thing would be Asians. So Ichiro’s at least 2-for-3. What? Did you think I was suggesting Ichiro had a silly name? Not cool, dude.

Derek Jeter
Career highlights: 10-time All-Star, 1996 Rookie of the Year, 6 World Series Appearances
If players were elected to the Hall of Fame based on past girlfriends, Jeter would get his own wing. As it stands, the people he’s dated are just a fringe benefit of being the face of the most recognizable franchise on Earth … and that’s nice too.

Trevor Hoffman
Career highlights: 7-time All-Star, 2-time season save leader, 575+ saves
I could go on about longevity and the ability to pitch in “high-stress” save situations year-after-year. But really, it’s simple: Hoffman is the all-time saves leader. Saves are recognized as a meaningful statistic (for now) and you can’t have the all-time leader in a meaningful stat excluded from the Hall of Fame. That would be stupid.

Roy Halladay
Career highlights: 2003 Cy Young Award Winner, 6-time All-Star, 4-time season leader in complete games
As of this writing, Doc Halladay is still a member of the Toronto Blue Jays, a team he’s been on for his entire 11-year career. If he gets traded to a contending team … well, then 11 years in medical school would not have gone to waste.

Chipper Jones
Career highlights: 1999 NL MVP, 11-straight playoff appearances
What jumps out at most people about Jones’ career is that nothing about his career really jumps out. He’s been solid for 16 years in an era where the Braves dominated the NL. And although the pitching staff of those teams were the motor that kept those teams humming, Jones was the chassis … or maybe the seats. Car seats are highly underrated.

Randy Johnson
Career highlights: 10-time All-Star, 5-time Cy Young Award Winner, 9-time season strikeout leader, 300+ career wins, 4,800 career Ks
Why is the Big Unit already as good as enshrined in Cooperstown? Because dead birds don’t get a vote.

Tip o’ the cap to Craig Robinson at Flip Flop Flyball

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Photos courtesy of Yahoo! Sports, Flickr

Boston baseball fans will tell you they have a sixth sense about their brethren. They’ll tell you they have inside information of their beloved team and the players connected to it that is otherwise unavailable to those foreign to Red Sox Nation. They’ll tell you they patiently waited out David Ortiz‘s horrific spring slump without boos or jeers because they knew – they just knew – Papi would turn it around. Without telling you that they know more than you, Sawx fans will tell you they know more than you.

Don’t believe ‘em.

These formerly nasty and hardened baseball elitists are melting faster than Greenland’s glaciers. They’re softening up like campfire marshmallows and they’re doing it twice as quickly. And if you don’t believe me, take a look at the ovation Fenway Pahk gave their former Rookie of the Year, Nomar Garciaparra, in his return to the place he spent 8 1/2 years being the face of the franchise.

“Backwards ramoN” earned two batting titles in 1999 and 2000 for the Red Sox, hit .323 for the team and .377 at Fenway, the highest average in that park of any active player with at least 1,000 at-bats. And for that, on Monday night, the Boston faithful were faithful to something besides Boston. Garciaparra tapped his chest, tipped his cap and looked around the familiar field as Bostonians showered one of the most popular Red Sox in the last 20 years with a one-minute standing ovation.

But this is Boston. Short of New York and Philadelphia fans, are there any more brutal louts crashing the games these days? There didn’t used to be. And Garciaparra is different than Ortiz’s struggles. For starters, he’s still on the team. Garciaparra left town a villain, right?

Remember?

Two months after sending Garciaparra to the Cubs in 2004, the Red Sox won the franchise’s first World Series in 86 years. His former teammates voted to give him a World Series ring. Curt Schilling noted that if it were not for Nomar, the Sox may not have been in a position to win at all that year. At the time, the decision to give Garciaparra a ring felt like a parent deciding not to ground their child for missing curfew for no other reason that they’re just relieved the kid is home safe. It’s over. Let’s do all we can to put it behind us. Even just two months after his departure, No-mah’s history with Boston was being rewritten.

So let’s rewrite the rewritten parts and look at the end of Garciaparra’s run in Beantown:

• After initially agreeing on a four-year, $60 million deal, Garciaparra wanted an $8 million signing bonus that would bring the total value to a Derek Jeter-ish $17 million per year. The Red Sox weren’t feeling it.
• In the offseason prior to 2004, Boston tried to get Alex Rodriguez, who at the time still played the same position as Garciaparra. Ain’t nothin’ quite as maddening as the guy you’re dating eyeballin’ another woman.
• Stories were written claiming Garciaparra felt that throughout the 2003 season management instructed the grounds crew to rough up the dirt at shortstop so it would be tougher for him to make plays.
• Because of his impending marriage, he refused to shave his head with most of his teammates during the 2003 ALCS (this one seems reasonable, but it’s just another example of the erosion that went on between Nomar and Red Sox fans).
• During a 13-inning grudge match with the Yankees in July 2004 (weeks before he’d be traded to Chicago), Garciaparra poutingly sat on the bench while teammate Pokey Reese made a number of crackerjack plays in his place.

But there he was on Monday, almost five years later, decked in Oakland’s gold and green stepping out of the batter’s box to acknowledge a throng of fans acting as if he retired in July 2004 instead of being catapulted the hell out of town. I’d expect that nonsense in San Diego or Kansas City or any place else that has easygoing fans satisfied with just having ever had a good player, even for a fleeting moment. But Boston? This isn’t the Boston I know. Where were the “NoMore Garciaparra”  or “Mr. Mia Hamm” signs? Something … anything. A 60-second standing O? That’s soft. Wicked soft.

“They’re crazy fans,” Terry Francona, manager of the Red Sox said on Monday. “But they’re so wrapped up emotionally in their team and people that have been a part of their teams.”

Francona’s right – to a point. They’re appreciative of the “good guys” of Boston’s past. But by the time Garciaparra left, he wasn’t considered one. And he’s never been back since. With Garciaparra, nothing about his situation with Boston changed except time.

And apparently it’s precisely that which has softened up Red Sox Nation.

Go HERE for the video of Garciaparra’s return to Fenway.

Now that the bombshell mildly notable item that Sammy Sosa juiced has soaked into the core of your being, it’s time to start hunting for witches.

If you believe clean players ever existed, where were they in all of this? I’m aware of the brotherhood teams and organizations have, but think of the hundreds of players to go in and out of the league, isn’t it strange that no one but Jose Canseco – the poster child of steroid abuse – had anything to say about it?

Even more strange are the reactions of baseball personalities around the league after a revelation like Sosa’s has been made.

“That’s not that surprising at all,” Houston first baseman Lance Berkman said. “There are just certain guys that you pretty much know without coming out and making an…accusation, but it does not surprise me, not even a little bit.”

“You think the sun’s going to rise in the east tomorrow,” former Cubs announcer Steve Stone replied when asked if he suspected Sosa of steroid abuse. “Nobody really questioned who was doing what and it wasn’t my job as a broadcaster to ever question who did what.”

I’m not suggesting Berkman or Stone or anyone else ought to have talked to the press and made accusations that they couldn’t back up with proof. But these guys were basing their (ultimately correct) hunches on something. And it is that something that Major League Baseball has not sought after.

Also, is Stone’s position acceptable? He’s right that calling out his suspicions of steroid abuse isn’t what he’s paid to do. But if an international affairs news editor sees that the local news editor is printing false information, does he hold his tongue and risk a severe weakening of the overall product (the newspaper) because, hey, local news ain’t my division, man.

Sometimes to do your job right, you have to do more than is expected. Ironically, a bastardized version of this philosophy probably compelled a handful of the steroid users to start using steroids in the first place. This massive wave of silence by everyone makes it appear as if everyone thinks it’s not a very big deal. And if steroid usage in MLB isn’t a very big deal, isn’t that something MLB should concern itself with?

There were 135 players implicated, named in the Mitchell Report, suspended or confessed to having used steroids. The team pictured above – the 2001 Texas Rangers – watched 23 of those PEDestrians waltz on through the Arlington clubhouse. At what point does our suspicious glare stop resting on just the players and start inquiring as to who else on the 1998 Rangers or the 2001 Rangers or the 2003 Rangers knew about their star players? Every major league ball club had at least nine players on that list of 135 in their clubhouse at some point in their career, but why did, say the Houston Astros, the closest neighbors of the Rangers, manage only nine players? (Admittedly four of Houston’s players Ken Caminiti, Miguel Tejada, Andy Pettitte and Roger Clemens are big-time names in this scandal, but still…)

The Yankees had 27 of the 135 names in the clubhouse. The Mets? It had 23 of the named players, same as the Rangers. San Diego and Anaheim? They had 21.

So what?

So why haven’t we heard about the organization’s management? It’s more than plausible that the same organization that brought Rafael Palmeiro, Sosa and Tejada together in 2004 and 2005 were aware of something others weren’t. Sure, it could have been a coincidence. The fact that Canseco and Mark McGwire were on the A’s shooting steroids into each other’s butts 15 years before Tejada and Jason Giambi did it for the same team was probably a coincidence. But some of these things are not coincidences.

There are a lot of innocent people keeping their mouths shut. They’ve been keeping their mouths shut for a long time. Make sure you blame them too, right along with Barry Bonds, Bud Selig and Florida pharmacists. It’s easy to plead blind and dumb because it’s hard to disprove.

But take a look at the above picture from 2001. Four of those five guys are on the list of 135. And in 2000, there were two others on that Texas team (Dave Martinez and David Segui) and the year before that? Two others (Juan Gonzalez and Greg Zaun). And what about the year after this picture? Yup. Two more (Ismael Valdez and Todd Greene). That’s a locker room epidemic. And there ain’t no way everyone else in that locker room and in the owner’s box walked blindly through a lineup full of cheaters.

Admit it, you’ve been at a game and thought, “I wonder if I could throw the rest of this soft pretzel far enough for it to land on the court” or “I bet I can hop this right field wall and sprint to the left field wall before security runs me down” or even “the next goal David Beckham bends, I’m hopping this railing and I’m kissing him. I don’t care, I’m kissing him.” Don’t pretend that you haven’t wondered how much of a disturbance you can be at some sporting event. I know you have.

Most of us don’t follow through with these thoughts. After all, tickets are expensive and games lose a lot of their charm when viewed from a jail cell. The reality is that you probably can land that pretzel on the court and if you’re fast, you’ve got a shockingly good chance of going the distance in a ballpark. I mean, if Drew Barrymore can do it, how hard can it be? Most sports security guards are fat guys unprepared to run or old guys unprepared to tell the fat guys that they can’t run. The key word here is unprepared.

After watching Swiss Cheesy (pictured) delay Sunday’s French Open final between Roger Federer and Robin Soderling by bum-rushing the court with a flag, a cap and seemingly no plan on what to do with either, it occurred to me just how unsafe athletes really are. Here’s the VIDEO of the incident. (Sidebar: Kudos to Roger Federer for keeping his cool. If anyone in knee socks ever ran up to me at any point in my life and I had an object like a racket to whack him with, I don’t think I’d stop hitting him with it until either the guy or the object were broken into several pieces)

Photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via Getty Images

Anyway, five guards chase after this guy like they were part of a Buster Keaton movie and they never catch him. It takes a sixth more in-shape guard to flatten this guy. And how many guards in how many sporting events have you been to where you were fairly certain you could take ‘em if you had to? I’m not saying fan craziness is an epidemic and that athletes are consistently in danger. I’m saying there’s a paper tiger standing between a dangerous fan and an athlete in any given sport on any given day and there shouldn’t be.

Can you imagine if you walked into a bar and the bouncer was 85 years old? Why bother? Father Time ain’t going to stop anyone from fighting. The same thing with security guards who aren’t prepared and willing to get messy. The problem here is that most sane people don’t want to hit or be hit (okay, that’s not a problem, but it is a cause). The solution is simple: Hire washed up athletes. Good security needs to be athletic enough to catch drunks in an open sprint and angry enough to hope for someone to try such a stunt. It’s the anger that I feel is lacking from most security staff. There’s always a gaggle of guards that are hoping if they just surround the intruder, he’ll politely put his hands in the air and give up. This of course never happens because if the offender were polite, he’d still be in his seat calling Alex Rodriguez “A-Roid” or whatever drunks do when they’re seated. So one of the guards comes barelling out of nowhere and pancakes a sucker. Instead of 1-out-of-6 doing this, they all need to start doing this. If security guards were washed-up athletes, you can bet they’d be frustrated and you could bet they’d take it out on any and all fools interested in getting a cheap laugh from a few thousand fans.

Who knows, they might also stop someone intent on doing harm.

I feel for you moviegoers, I do. What’s happening more and more in Hollywood is the same erosion I’ve seen in another great art form: sports nicknames.

Gone are the days of classic clever nicknames like George “The Iceman” Gervin, Jared “The Pillsbury Throwboy” Lorenzen (also known as “The Hefty Lefty”), Harold “The Galloping Ghost” Grange, Jaromir “Puff Nuts” Jagr, Ted “The Splendid Splinter” Williams or Karl “The Mailman” Malone. I could go on and on (and on), but with the exception of a select few current players, nicknames in the last 5-10 years have been bland and unoriginal.

Below are the 10 worst nickname fails.

Photo courtesy of Getty Images

“The Princess of Diving” China’s Guo Jingjing is considered the most successful diver in Olympic history and she totally deserves a nickname, but this? Why not call her the “Jing-a-ding Kid” or something snappy like that? “The Princess of Diving” is so…so…untrue. Diving has no royalty. To have a princess you’d need a queen. Who’s the queen of diving? And why isn’t that person considered the most successful diver in Olympic history? Imagine if James Brown was called “The Hardest Working Man At This Concert Venue On This Particular Night”?

Photo courtesy of Flickr

“Candy Man” The world was enamored with the candy-eating habits of L.A. Laker Lamar Odom right before the start of this season’s NBA Finals. It was so enamored that it totally forgot that about 1998′s No. 1 draft pick Michael Olowokandi. I know “The Kandi Man” is different than “The Candy Man,” but c’mon…you say ‘em the same. And with Odom, we’re just three Candymen away from five. And nothing good comes from saying Candyman five times.

Photo courtesy of Flickr

“Pistol” This nickname first belonged to NBA guard Pete Maravich in the 70s and frankly it was awesome. But then the name was attached to tennis player Pete Sampras and became less awesome. Both players were extraordinary, but once there’s a “Pistol Pete,” you can’t just go and start another Pistol Pete. This isn’t replacing your dead chihuahua with some other chihuahua. There can only be one. Don’t cheapen them both. Just because the Petes were in different sports doesn’t mean people won’t notice.

Photo courtesy of Flickr

“Pudge” Sox catcher Carlton Fisk was “Pudge.” No one else. You know why he was called “Pudge” because he wasn’t a skinny man. You know why he wasn’t called “Fatty” Fisk? Because despite his shape, he was beloved. Fat people who are beloved are called pudgy, not fat. The other “Pudge,” Ivan Rodriguez hasn’t been fat for a decade – how could he let this nickname happen, much less continue? Look at the adjacent picture, does that guy look pudgy to you? Odom did like Candy. Sampras was a pistol. But Rodriguez? He ain’t pudgy. Why steal a nickname that isn’t even appropriate?

Photo courtesy of Flickr

“L.T.” New York Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor is L.T. The nickname is lame and unimaginative enough that it can only belong to someone as rabid as L.T. (ignore his sixth round exit from “Dancing With the Stars”) Giving Taylor a quirky nickname would be overkill; like jamming Skittles in a Twinkie…it would be too much. It’s bad enough when you steal a clever nickname, but the people who nicknamed San Diego Charger RB LaDanian Tomlinson were too lazy to even come up with their own bland nickname.

Photo c/o Time/Life

“Sugar” Boxers Carlos De Leon, Ray Leonard and Shane Mosely: What do they have in common? They all stole a fairly gay nickname from Ray Robinson. Ray Leonard reportedly didn’t want to step on Robinson’s name, but tough. Because Robinson was a Ray and Leonard was a Ray…what can be done? Everyone’s hands were tied. Also, “Sugar” De Leon? Gay.

Photo courtesy of Flickr

“The Flower” Guy LeFleur had this horrible nickname hung on him. You know why? You’ll never guess. Y’see, “le fleur” translates to flower in French. So you can see, it’s just a quick hop, skip and jump to calling Guy “the Flower.” Except that “The Flower” is about as wussy as being called “Prance Dancer.” If I were LeFleur, I’d have drawn blood from anyone who called me that until there was a Pavlovian reaction to the word “flower.” I wouldn’t stop until whenever le fleur was uttered, people automatically thought about bleeding.

Photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via Getty

“ManRam” The Dominicans are really the largest victims here. Any time a Ramirez or a Rodriguez makes it big, everyone knows what their nicknames are going to be. It’s positively mechanic. HanRam, ArmRam (what the hell’s an ArmRam? It sounds gross and painful) and the original ManRam. Manny Ramirez’s nickname wouldn’t be so bad if it was connected to He-Man’s RamMan. If that were the case, I might actually think it was kinda cool. But I doubt it was and I’m positive none of the other Ramirez players have anything to do with the Masters of the Universe.

Photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via Getty

Anything Shaquille O’Neal names himself If there’s a cardinal rule of nicknames, it’s that you cannot give one to yourself. NBA all-star Shaquille O’Neal has ignored this rule for over a decade now. He got kinda lucky with the first few (“Shaq,” “The Diesel” “The Big Aristotle”) but then kept going like a toddler who found a way to make his parents laugh. Prepare for it to get beat into the ground. “ShaqFu,” “The Big Daddy,” Superman,” “The Big Agave,” “The Big Cactus,” “The Big Shaqtus,” “The Big Galactus,” “Wilt Chamberneezy,” “The Big Baryshnikov,” “The Real Deal,” “Dr. Shaq,” “Sheriff Shaq” and “Shaqovic.” Yup. Okay. Got it. O’Neal is large and likes the first four letters of his name. Hey, I got one. How ’bout “ShaqFool”?

Photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via AP

“A-Rod” I want to punch someone. Who can I blame for this? Is this J-Lo’s fault? P-Diddy? More than any other nickname pattern, this is the dumbest and laziest. It’s not a nickname, it’s an abbreviation of someone’s full name. That’s it. Compare A-Rod or T-Mac to “Sweetwater” or “Cool Papa” or “Nightrain”… it ain’t even close, man. If my mom can figure out why a player like Francisco Rodriguez is named K-Rod and is tickled by how clever it is, rest assured it is neither cool nor clever. It’s like when your mother asks you how you like the new Black Eyed Peas album…that’s when you know it’s time to stop listening to Black Eyed Peas albums.

Really, that’s the worst thing I can say about any of these nicknames: My mom totally gets them.