There are more than three people in this picture, so clearly it was not taken in Montana.

I’m not sure what town would be considered the pig capitol of the U.S. and seeing as how there’s a “Falcon Crest” marathon fixin’ to start in a couple minutes, I don’t have the time to find out. I will say that Chouteau County in Montana made a huge push last weekend at the area’s County Fair when 30 pigs slated to be entered into the pig wrasslin’ competition pulled a Claude Rains and vanished.

According to the landowner in charge of the nearly three dozen pigs, he said that when he went to check on the pigs Friday evening, there were none to be found – only a small stone hammer and a poster of Rita Hayworth.

[Fair office manager Shirley] Embleton said that as of 7:20 p.m. — 10 minutes before the wrestling competition was scheduled to start — there was a plane out searching for the pigs. She said a boar had been found, but the other 30 to 35 pigs were still missing.

She added that as far as she knew, there was no truth to the rumor that there were grizzly bear tracks near where the pigs were supposed to be.

You have to start the grizzly bear rumor, right? That’s a total no-brainer.What’s also a no-brainer is that this struggling county fair handed the main ingredient of this Mayberry bouillabaisse to Pa Kettle and he couldn’t keep it in the crock pot, and yet they could immediately deploy a plane in a recovery effort. Even if it was a prop plane, why the hell didn’t they spruce up security on Swine McQueen and the rest of the great escapists.

Yeah. Swine McQueen. I told you, “Falcon Crest” is starting soon. Get off my back.

Anyway, Embleton and the other seven people who live in that county were still holding out hope through the weekend that the pigs would be recovered and the wrasslin’ would commence, but none have been reported.

… Bah! I shoulda gone with Sowshank Redemption. That’s way better than Swine McQueen.

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Photo courtesy of Flickr

I’m sorry. This is not who I thought it was. And the little boy in me just died a bit from the realization that the only person that got fatter and uglier than Elton John in the last 40 years seems to be Pete Rose.

As you were.

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I’ll never forget the time I wore a Bruce Springsteen shirt to my retail job at a local bookstore. Usually, I just wore polo shirts or something, but this time, I was feeling particularly raucous (and roll-ish). Indie bookstores are a great place to meet people, freely exchange ideas, compare Hemingway tattoos and Buddy Holly glasses, so when a hipster asked me if I like Springsteen, I ignored my initial impulse to question why someone would wear a t-shirt of something they did not personally endorse and answered simply, “why yes indeed, friend.” Remember: this was a hipster, and I recall him wearing a Q-Bert t-shirt. It’s not completely out of the realm of possibility that in his world, people wear things without even knowing wat the hell they are. Anyway, I tell him that I really like Springsteen. Like a lot. His response, “Yeah. I never got into him. He’s kind of annoying.”

… And that, your honor, is when I killed him.

This exchange happened years ago, yet I’ve never let it go. Why would he ask about my shirt just so he can tell me he doesn’t like what’s on it? That’s like paying admission just to boo the performer. Or, like performing in a city, just so you can boo its most famous inhabitant.

Enter Sir John Mayer. He of the douche-y song lyrics, womanizing antics and illogical sleeve tattoos. He played a concert in Ohio last week, and performed his encore in a Cleveland Cavaliers jersey. I’ll skip over the part where I berate Cuyahoga Falls for demanding an encore from Mayer and get to the part where he promises the Ohio crowd that on his tour closer in Miami, he’ll perform wearing the very same jersey.

Out of solidarity to the good folks of Cuyahoga Falls, you see? Because LeBron James left Ohio to play basketball in Florida, you see? Mayer wanted to get in on that action. For the sake of Ohioans.”Because sometimes you gotta stir [expletive] up,” says Mayer.

I was wondering when someone was gonna mention LeBron’s exit to a group of Ohioans.

And this is what I pondered all weekend. Sweet Jesus, why? Why bother? Why poke this bear? No one from Ohio is going to be in Miami, bro. There’s only so many times a person can hear “Heartbreak Warfare” without wanting to break out into real warfare. And he’s going to get a reaction in Miami, because my understanding of Floridians is that they’re either 90 years old or 26 and blitzed on ecstasy. Either way, a Cavaliers jersey is gonna make ‘em go schizoid. But this isn’t his fight. He grew up in Connecticut, man. What the eff?

I guess that’s why it bothers me so much, Mayer insinuated himself into a fight that doesn’t really exist, that he certainly isn’t a part of for a payoff that won’t, um, pay off. Unforgivable. Like that time you made Jessica Simpson think it was okay to be a brunette. You’re a bad man, John Mayer and I hope those 26-year-olds all lick your face.

I can’t tell you how much I hate that his jersey is No.83. No one on the Cavs ever wore No. 83. No one in NBA history ever wore No. 83. He wasn’t born in 1983 or wear a size 83 shoe. It’s as dumbfounding as someone who can absolutely shred on guitar insisting upon playing “Wonderland” a thousand times a year to make his money.

Video of Mayer’s promise here.

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At least in Italy, the guy on the scooter tried to tell the Americano her slip was showing, you know?

H/T: With Leather via Ball Don’t Lie

It’s, like, extremely awkward.

“Third base person” sounds like something my Mom would call the player right after she commented on the team “costumes.” “Third bassist” sounds like what you are if you’re in high school jazz band. “Third basewoman” sounds like a gal willing to give you a good time, but not willing to give you the best time, if you know what I mean.  All I’m saying is, this story is about a woman named Cheuk Yoon Yee Sinny who plays third base for the Women’s Hong Kong national team and was randomly shot in the leg and the most difficult thing to wrap my head around is exactly how to label her. That probably says more about the state of Venezuela than anyone would want it to.

Take it away Reuters:

Vice President Elias Jaua said the player was hit in the leg during a game against the Netherlands in a stadium at a military base in Caracas on Friday. She was taken to the base’s medical center for treatment but was not seriously hurt.

… Venezuela has one of the continent’s highest crime rates, and many residents carry firearms.

Jaua said the player had been struck by “an object similar to a stray bullet” during the game on the second day of the tournament.

Although the remainder of that game and the rest of the scheduled games were postponed, the– wait, what? Did that quote say Woon Yee was struck with an “object similar to a stray bullet?” Scroll up a second, will ya? What the hell does that mean? The only objects similar to stray bullets are ones shot on purpose. Land sakes. Woon Yee was discharged from the hospital after a brief stay and will make a full recovery, but she can’t possibly enjoy hearing the attempt at spin coming from the Venezuelan vice president. Oh, not to worry that was most certainly not a stray bullet you were struck by. That bullet had your name written all over it.

Sweet dreams.

A full investigation is being conducted in order to locate the origin of the bullet and Baseball’s 12-team World Cup will make up for its lost games in the coming week.

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Photo courtesy of Flickr

From the Elias Sports Bureau:

The Reds completed a three-game sweep of the Marlins (by scores of 7-2, 5-4 and 2-0) while keeping Florida hitless in 27 at-bats with runners in scoring position over the weekend. The Marlins were the first team to be swept in a series of at least three games while going 0-for-8 or worse with runners in scoring position in each game since the Expos dropped a three-game set at Wrigley Field, May 31-June 2, 1991.

For the sleepy among you, let’s nail down exactly what this means. It means that for three straight games – one full game of at-bats, by the way – the Florida Marlins failed to get a guy standing at either second or third base over to home. To put it yet another way for both the slow and the bored, the Reds, over the course of three days, threw a no-hitter while someone was standing at least on second.

That’s like … that’s like … that’s like putting an injured mouse in a boa constrictor cage and the boa, um, FAILING TO SCORE A SINGLE RUN IN 27 TRIES!

And Elias, they of the most barrel-scraping statistical abnormalities on Earth, had to go back almost two decades just to find a hitting famine even a third as sorry as the show Florida put on over the weekend.

At least now we know of one team the Reds don’t hate.

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Photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via Getty Images

Reds 2B Brandon Phillips offered up the following gem- seemingly out of nowhere – right before Monday’s Game 1 against the St. Louis Cardinals.

“I’d play against these guys with one leg. We have to beat these guys. I hate the Cardinals. All they do is bitch and moan about everything, all of them, they’re little bitches, all of ‘em. I really hate the Cardinals. Compared to the Cardinals, I love the Chicago Cubs. Let me make this clear – I hate the Cardinals.”

Didja notice the little dig on the Cubs in there too? It’s actually difficult to respond to Phillips’ outburst without going down the Cardinals roster to determine what makes each of them such a, er, um, whatever it was that Phillips called them. If everyone wearing a Cardinal uniform are complainers, what’s that say about the four guys playing for the Reds that were once wearing Cardinal red?

But I’m a Cubs fan, so I can’t get too upset about the Cardinals getting run through the ringer, but what’s up with the seemingly locker room-wide hatred for the Cubs over in Queen City? Last month, Joey Votto made the blog rounds by refusing to congratulate Chicago’s Marlon Byrd after his game-saving defensive play in the All-Star Game.

“I don’t like the Cubs,” Votto said. “And I’m not going to pat anybody with a Cubs uniform on the back. But because he made that really cool play, it turned out to be a really cool experience. I’m really glad we got the win today.”

Okay. I’ll admit, I have absolutely no evidence that this is the case, but the fact that the Reds are managed by Dusty Baker and Chicago ran him out of town on a rail after the 2006 season seems to make him the lead among suspects fueling such hatred. The Gabriel Byrne, if you will. Players hating specific players makes sense. People are people. But Phillips, who grew up in North Carolina and Votto, who grew up in Ontario probably didn’t grow up hating the Midwestern Cubs, right?

Anyway,  Phillips called everyone associated with the Cardinals – even John Buck and Stan Musial (probably) -  a bunch of bizznitches before Game 1 of these teams’ three-game series on Monday. The quote was published after Game 1 and lo and behold, the two teams found themselves in a mighty big scuffle before Game 2′s first inning was over.

From MLB.com:

In the bottom of the first inning, Phillips was leading off and walked to the plate. Per his customary practice, Phillips tried to offer friendly taps with his bat to the shin guards of Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina and home-plate umpire Mark Wegner. Molina, who wanted no part of such pleasantry, kicked Phillips’ bat away.

Molina then stepped on home plate in front of Phillips and got in his face while yelling. Phillips talked back, and once Molina took off his mask, the benches and bullpens cleared.

“I was ready to start the game, and he touched me,” Molina said. “The comments that he made yesterday, that he’s got no friends over here, why are you touching me then? You are not my friend. So don’t touch me. “

The youngest of the Flying Molina Brothers is right. How could Phillips have walked out there, having said what he said and knowing that everyone on the Cards was aware that he said it and act as if he hadn’t said it?

Still with me?

This is 2010. Very few players have any loyalty to any one team, just as most players don’t have deep hatred for any one team. Really, what beef can Brandon Phillips have with Colby Rasmus? Or Yadier Molina, for that matter? To listen to them yammer on, one has to wonder if guys like Phillips and Votto would turn down huge contracts with teams like Chicago because of some deeply personal vendetta.

Note: the Cardinals overtook the Reds for first place in the NL Central on Wednesday afternoon.

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Photos courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via Canadian Press and the AP

Moments before the final, Kaukonen told the Norwegian newspaper Verdens Gang that the saunas used for the 2010 championship were a lot more extreme than the saunas used for previous competitions.

He knew? He walked into a sauna knowing it was hotter than, well, than a championship-level sauna. That’s gumption. That’s moxie. That’s … kinda foolish.

Arvela has already said that the event has probably seen its last sweat droplets, but that a final decision will not be made until after an investigation of the incident is complete.

Um, I’m pretty sure the cause of death was being in a 230-degree room for the time it takes to listen to all of Aerosmith’s “Livin’ On the Edge.” Case – and sauna door – closed.

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Photo courtesy of Flickr

England’s Norwich City changed their uniforms after last season, giving the Canaries a brighter, more vibrant “Brazilian” flair. Fortunately for Brazil, they don’t have millions of beetles looking to feed on pollen, or anything that looks like it might be pollen.