Literally no woman is safe from Tiger’s advances.

____________________

Sidelines Blog: Honestly, I’m surprised to see you here just walking around like a normal non-celebrity.

CP and KB: [Simultaneously] Thanks.

Wait. I’m pretty sure Sidelines was talking to me, Kyle.
I am Miss America.

You were Miss America for, like, seven minutes. I play
professional football.

Backup QB for the Rams? Seriously? You’re counting that?
You’ve played, like, four games this season. I’ve got a sex tape …

SB: Several sex tapes … and pictures.

[ ... ]

SB: Sorry. Forget I said anything.

Anyway. Grandmas as housewives know who I am.
Do they know who you are, Kyle?

No. But my celebrity is based on my accomplishments. Yours is
based mostly on being a beautiful woman who keeps sticking her
foot in her mouth.

This is America, Kyle. That’s what celebrities do! Do you really
think Sidelines is here to discuss the 870 passing yards you have
this year?

I have 876.

Kyle, you’re being inappropriate. And I’m about ready to walk out.

Without an ottoman? That’d be a waste.

Do you think you’re slumming with me? ‘Cause I’m under the
impression I’m slumming with you. I could have totally gone
after Tony Romo.

Carrie, what have you done besides lose the Miss America
crown?

I successfully parlayed all the reasons I lost that crown into
public appearances. No one’s made breast implants, sex tapes
and personal morality work for them as long as I have. I’ve
been famous for almost 10 months now.

Yeah. And in another 10 months, where will you be?

Oh, fine. Fine. That’s real tough talk from a guy who couldn’t throw
a single touchdown against the friggin’ Bears on Sunday. Maybe
you should ask yourself where you’ll be in 10 months. And you
can start by pondering that on the couch tonight. Ugh. I don’t
even care about the stupid ottomans anymore.

[Prejean stomps off]

So between you and me, who were you calling a celebrity?

SB: Um … well … she does have a sex tape, Kyle.

Several.

SB: Right. Maybe if you date a blonde who isn’t a nutcase, next time. I mean, you had to have known this was coming. I imagine you read US Weekly and InTouch magazines on a regular basis, no?

Constantly. [sigh] You’re right. I better go get out of dutch
with the missus. She’s been looking forward to this ottoman
hunt since Wednesday.

_________________________

Photos courtesy of Flickr

Hey Lamar, how’ve you been since we last spoke?

I’m pretty sure we’ve never spoken.

Oh. Well, how’ve you been up to this point in your life then?

Huh?

How’ve you been – you know what? Nevermind. Let me ask you about your clothing line. I’ve noticed you around town lately sporting tons of weird shirts with, like, lions and wolves and stuff on them. Is that part of Lamar Odom’s clothing line?

Huh?

The sparkly lions and stuff. I notice you wear shirts that look like the ones my grandmother bought me at the D.C. zoo in 1981. Are they from the Lamar Odom line of clothing?

Naw, man. My Revelation line mostly has angels and crosses and stuff.

So … what’s with the power animals all over your duds, then? You know your clothes are dangerously close to what sci-fi nerds wear, right? Are you into power animals?

Yeah. Most definitely.

What’s your power animal?

Skittles.

Your power animal is Skittles?

Sho ’nuff.

Not wolves or lions or eagles? Skittles? I didn’t know fruity candy could be a power animal. That’s … that’s baffling.

Huh?

Why aren’t you wearing your clothing line, Lamar? You’ll be seen in public with a sparkly lion shirt and a Kardashian, but not your own Revelation tee? That seems odd.

Yeah well. I like eagles. You know? Besides, we’re just trying to take it one game at a time.
And y’know … however I can contribute to help out the team, that’s what I’m-a do.

Dude, you’re like a smorgasbord of disconnected thoughts.

I haven’t had s’mores in years, man. So I don’t know.

No, not s’mores. Smorgas – you know what? Nevermind. Lamar, it was great talking to you … sorta. Good luck this year with the repeat and the reality show -

Huh?

Ask your wife.

___________________________

Photos courtesy of Flickr

Sometimes the hardest part of losing the playoffs is saying goodbye. Cleaning out the ol’ locker, preparing to reconnect with the family after a long summer, steal a few keepsakes from the clubhouse, take one last canoe ride around the lake, try to sneak one last kiss from camp counselor Jenna.

I’ve never noticed until just now how similar ending a season is to the final days of summer camp.

I guess that explains why Manny Ramirez’s last encounter with Andre Ethier Thursday afternoon brought a nostalgic tear to my eye.

“Andre. Jou see my pummice stone, man? It’s no in my locker. No in the shower. I bought that at a Bath & Body Works in Cleveland and I won’t have time to replace it before I leave for Punta Cana.”

“Naw Manny. All I have is this Garnier Fructis, which you should really start using when you cut off those dreads.

“Wha’ you mean ‘cut ‘em off?’ I no gon’ cut ‘em off. The dreads are me, Manny. It’s part of my schtick.”

“You’re schtick? I thought we were all growing playoff hair and everything. What’s Casey doing with that beard? And Kemp with that gristle? You telling me that was a stylistic choice?”

“Jour jheri curl is cool, man. Are jou telling me jou gonna get rid of it?”

“Heck yeah, Manny. No one in their right mind wears their hair like this.”

“What about Magglio Ordonez? He wore his hair like you. To be hones’, man, when I first got here, I thought you were Magglio. I was like, ‘Dang man, L.A. went wild at the trade deadline.’ Besides, I’ve had dreads forever.”

“Yeah, but they used to be normal dreads. Now they’re like … they look like sailor’s rope. All throughout the St. Louis series I had to stop myself from tying your mess into an angler’s loop. For serious.”

“Jour just not inquisitive enough, man. You shoulda asked around. Jou shouldn’t assume things, ‘Dre.”

“But what about Kershaw? His beard didn’t even grow all around his face? We really weren’t doing playoff beards or growing our hair out or anything? Dude, this blows. This whole team blows.”

“Ees jus’ a game, man. Have a goo’ vacation. You find my stone, hang onto it. I’m gonna want that back. I’m gon’ golook one more time in the shower.”

__________________________

Andre Ethier photos courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via Getty Images
Manny Ramirez photos courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via AP

Periodically, an image floats to the surface of the Sidelines Blog too good to let submerge back into the Internet abyss.

• First of all, what valuable information does colehamels.com have for us that other sites do not? Besides the foreboding image of agent orange mustard gas being released into the atmosphere above Boston, I mean?
• If Lewis Carroll designed baseball diamonds, I’m quite sure this is what it would look like.
• Nevermind the foul pole out in right-center, why was Fenway Photoshopped? Hamels has pitched against the Red Sox once in four seasons … and that was in Philadelphia. I can only assume they wanted to find the most inconspicuous stadium in the majors. It was either Fenway or Wrigley. 
• Does anyone else get the vibe that Cole is crying out for help? I mean, look at the superfluous players in left field or the transparent fans near home plate/ right field. That’s creepy. It’s like they’re all dead; like Cole identifies more with the dead than the living. Don’t tell me I’m stretching. Anyone remember Haley Joel Osment’s name in “The Sixth Sense?” His name was Cole! Coles see dead people. Commence brain-melt in 3 … 2 … 1 …

• For further Cole Hamels creepiness, please click here and especially here.
    

Periodically, an image floats to the surface of the Sidelines Blog too good to let submerge back into the Internet abyss.

• Look at this cover and tell me you’re not convinced Bruce Jenner posed for this picture and OK! magazine Photoshopped Lamar Odom’s face in.
  
• It looks like the media’s gonna go with “KhlOdom.” Shame. I was pulling for “Lamardashian.”
  
• What state was this “wedding” conducted in? I was under the impression it was in California, but this cover photo makes it look like Odom just married all three Kardashian sisters. Look at the Candy Man’s smirk … that’s a smirk that says, “I’ve seen two of these women naked.”
  
• How long into their marriage will it take for Odom to call his new bride Kim? I give it until three days ago.
  
• Keeping the Kardashian sisters straight is like humming the John Williams themes to “Superman,” “Star Wars” and “Indiana Jones.” Quick! Hum all three in a row. It’s impossible. Just like deciphering the difference between, Kim, Krunchy and Venti Kardashian.
  

• How ironic is it that the first line of this ad is that “no one ever called Tony La Russa a sissy” and yet after this ad was published, everyone probably called him a sissy for, like, a month?

• I’m guessing Consort-brand man grooming products spent 75 percent of their marketing budget coming up with the tag line: “Tony La Russa Uses Hairspray.” I’m also guessing that’s the reason that by 1986, no one had ever heard of Consort-brand man grooming products.

• It occurs to me that Consort is the reason La Russa made all those minor overly-managerial trips to the pitchers mound through the years. Dude had to air dry all the product he had in his hair to properly achieve that “natural-yet-in-control” look that was all the rage back then. Five dozen trips to the mound each game was how he did it. It seems so obvious now.

• If Photoshop existed in 1985, I’d guess that they superimposed La Russa’s face over Harvey Keitel‘s hair and general manliness.

  A tip o’ the cap to Wezen Ball