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The Chelsea Blue have been under siege by a prankster sneaking into the team’s locker rooms and cutting holes in their underwear, thus leading the entire squad to explore an entirely new form of “futbol flopping” never before showcased on a pitch. They’re showing going nuts.

There’s also a ton of “ball control” and “sliding tackle” jokes that I’ll spare you. You’re welcome.

Hit me three times News of the World:

A prankster keeps creeping into the changing room at their training ground to cut up their designer pants.

The mystery assailant strikes up to twice a week while the Blues train at Cobham, Surrey.

England star Frank Lampard said: “It’s gone on for about a year. We get in to find the bum cheeks cut out of our underpants.

“It has to be one of the players. They are the only ones with access. You might get two hits in a week, then he won’t attack for a month or so.”

A year, guys?! I hate to break it to Detective Lamps, but if he can’t figure out who, among a pack of 20 possible suspects, is slashing everyone’s shorts by now, that information is probably not forthcoming.

A club insider said: “It was a bit of a laugh but now the lads are a bit cheesed off.

I love when the English get serious. They’re cheesed now. Back off or they’ll get, what? Cheesier? Extra cheesed? Jalepeno cheesed? Honestly, it’s really not that bad. The same thing happened to Rachel McAdams’ character in “Mean Girls” and she was popular enough that she worked it. She owned the look and started a fashion  trend.

What? You’re telling me hole-y drawers is too risqué a look for a bunch of fit soccer stars to pull off? Heck, Ashley Cole has been vying for the less-is-more style long before the prankster ever grabbed his sheers. Actually, for all we know Cole is the one doing the slicing.

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Photos courtesy of Flicker