Yup, John Mayer Is Still A Tool
I thought about musician John Mayer all weekend. I really did. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t help it. I was as helpless from trying to figure out why Mayer opts to be an idiot as I suppose Mayer is from making that stupid guitar solo face he makes. Yeah, that one.
I’ll never forget the time I wore a Bruce Springsteen shirt to my retail job at a local bookstore. Usually, I just wore polo shirts or something, but this time, I was feeling particularly raucous (and roll-ish). Indie bookstores are a great place to meet people, freely exchange ideas, compare Hemingway tattoos and Buddy Holly glasses, so when a hipster asked me if I like Springsteen, I ignored my initial impulse to question why someone would wear a t-shirt of something they did not personally endorse and answered simply, “why yes indeed, friend.” Remember: this was a hipster, and I recall him wearing a Q-Bert t-shirt. It’s not completely out of the realm of possibility that in his world, people wear things without even knowing wat the hell they are. Anyway, I tell him that I really like Springsteen. Like a lot. His response, “Yeah. I never got into him. He’s kind of annoying.”
… And that, your honor, is when I killed him.
This exchange happened years ago, yet I’ve never let it go. Why would he ask about my shirt just so he can tell me he doesn’t like what’s on it? That’s like paying admission just to boo the performer. Or, like performing in a city, just so you can boo its most famous inhabitant.
Enter Sir John Mayer. He of the douche-y song lyrics, womanizing antics and illogical sleeve tattoos. He played a concert in Ohio last week, and performed his encore in a Cleveland Cavaliers jersey. I’ll skip over the part where I berate Cuyahoga Falls for demanding an encore from Mayer and get to the part where he promises the Ohio crowd that on his tour closer in Miami, he’ll perform wearing the very same jersey.
Out of solidarity to the good folks of Cuyahoga Falls, you see? Because LeBron James left Ohio to play basketball in Florida, you see? Mayer wanted to get in on that action. For the sake of Ohioans.”Because sometimes you gotta stir [expletive] up,” says Mayer.
I was wondering when someone was gonna mention LeBron’s exit to a group of Ohioans.
And this is what I pondered all weekend. Sweet Jesus, why? Why bother? Why poke this bear? No one from Ohio is going to be in Miami, bro. There’s only so many times a person can hear “Heartbreak Warfare” without wanting to break out into real warfare. And he’s going to get a reaction in Miami, because my understanding of Floridians is that they’re either 90 years old or 26 and blitzed on ecstasy. Either way, a Cavaliers jersey is gonna make ‘em go schizoid. But this isn’t his fight. He grew up in Connecticut, man. What the eff?
I guess that’s why it bothers me so much, Mayer insinuated himself into a fight that doesn’t really exist, that he certainly isn’t a part of for a payoff that won’t, um, pay off. Unforgivable. Like that time you made Jessica Simpson think it was okay to be a brunette. You’re a bad man, John Mayer and I hope those 26-year-olds all lick your face.
I can’t tell you how much I hate that his jersey is No.83. No one on the Cavs ever wore No. 83. No one in NBA history ever wore No. 83. He wasn’t born in 1983 or wear a size 83 shoe. It’s as dumbfounding as someone who can absolutely shred on guitar insisting upon playing “Wonderland” a thousand times a year to make his money.
Video of Mayer’s promise here.
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1 Response for “Yup, John Mayer Is Still A Tool”
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Love John Mayer, I feel he isn’t recognized as he should be as a song writer or guitarist.