Favre Does What LeBron Did Only Slower … And For Years At A Time
From left: Cook, Favre, Werder (I swear this was the coolest picture of Werder I could find)
How do you prefer your Band-Aid removed? With a quick, painful jerk that uproots body hair along with it? The kind that provides an agony that is much worse in the seconds leading up to the removal than the removal itself? Or do you prefer the cautious, calculated removal that distributes pain in measured doses for an elongated period of time? Because I assure you America, you’re gonna have to suffer through one.
LeBron James’ decision to play for the Heat? We may still be talking about it … okay, I. I may still be talking about it. But, really, it’s over. He’s a Heat. (A Hot? A Heats? No, he’s a Heat.) James isn’t forcing us to discuss it. Matter fact, I bet he’d love us to stop. That Band-Aid got yanked two weeks ago, the pain should be long gone. Brett Favre? He never wants anything to stop. Ever. He pulls the bandage 1/3 off, then re-applies the pulled part just so he can do it again. Forever.
As much as I’m angry with James and have decided to stop returning his phone calls for a little while, I’d prefer his shenanigans to Favre’s, who, once again is kinda, sorta hurt and kinda, sorta not sure his old man bones have it in them to play football again. And he’s kinda, sorta not sure when he will know, so just keep checking in periodically* to see if he’s made a decision.
* once per hour … forever.
This is the fourth year the man who’s won only one more Super Bowl than I have has spent his summer playing catch in Mississippi in front of an ESPN camera. And I’m bored. And you’re bored too. And a little hungry, which is bound to happen when you skip lunch, you workaholic, you. But you know who’s more than bored? Favre’s agent James “Bus” Cook.
From the newest issue of Men’s Journal :
(I should warn you, Cook’s language is a little blue, so be sure to cover your children’s ears as they read this.)
“Brett talked to goddamned Ed Werder at ESPN, says he needs ankle surgery. Now why did he do that?” Cook asked. “I’ve got [Brad] Childress calling. I’ve got reporters calling all damn morning. Goddammit, why does he have to be such a goddamned drama queen? Play, don’t play, goddamn, people are getting sick of it. I’m getting sick of it!
Why does he have to talk to these people? What good does it do? Ed Werder at ESPN! What’s he ever done for anybody other than say, ‘Look, look, Mommy, I got this first, ain’t I special?’ You got problems with surgery, talk to your wife. Why talk to goddamned Ed Werder?”
Eat it, Werder.
You know, if you’ve been paying attention (pay attention!) you’ll notice the common thread with Favre and James is one World Wide Leader in Sports. If ESPN would stop hiding the the bushes of every superstar with a decision to make, maybe we wouldn’t be forced to choose between pulling off the first-aid bandage strip quickly or slowly. Maybe the entire world would simply be able to take a dip in the pool and let the soaking bandage un-affix itself and lie at the bottom of the shallow end. Wouldn’t that be nice?
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Photos courtesy of Flickr
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