Pub Argument: Soccer Goalie Or Hockey Goalie
For those of us living in Chicago, the month of June has been all about hockey and soccer. And for us bandwagon-rejectors living in Chicago, there’s been a fair share of drinking to cope with the phonies who will deny ever going gaga over these sports come September. And as anyone who’s drunk and dispassionate about the sport they’re forced to watch knows, the best way to pass the time is to pick a fight.
With that, let’s pick apart which goaltender has the toughest job: the hockey goalie or the soccer goalie. Add to the argument down in the comments, muchachos.
____________________
Argument that being a hockey goalie is harder:
I take my dog to the park on sunny days and toss the frisbee at him for 20 minutes or so. He doesn’t chase the frisbee as much as he anticipates where that frisbee will land and runs to that spot. He’s marvelous at it, really. Catches it 95 percent of the time. Just him, the wind, distance and time. Y’know, the same exact skills used by every soccer goalie around the world. That said, I should note that my dog eats banana peels from the garbage and doesn’t always understand that just because you can see through a glass door, doesn’t mean that you can walk through it.
This argument is about as much of a no-brainer as my dog. How fast can the strongest soccer player kick a ball? 40-50 mph? Whatever it is, it isn’t 100 mph. A hockey goalie is like a catcher in baseball if there is no batter and the pitcher tries each time to throw it past the ump. Soccer goalies do everything hockey goalies do, only less often and with fewer distractions. It’s like that old quote about Ginger Rogers doing everything Fred Astaire did only with 60 pounds of padding strapped to her body.
When’s the last time a soccer player blocked a goalie’s sight line by standing directly in front of ‘em? Never. It’s illegal. Can’t do it. You know what else soccer goalies don’t have to do? Bathe? No. Well, I mean, yeah. But that’s not what I was going to say. I was going to say that they never have to block 40 shots a game. If a soccer goaltender ever blocked more than 20 shots in a game, soccer would be exciting for a second and the world would implode on itself.
Argument that being a soccer goalie is harder:
Hockey goalies need fast reflexes, sure, but they never need to flat-out guess. They never have an offenseman calmly standing 20 yards in front of them plotting to jack a puck at their grill. Soccer goaltenders are ordinarily put in positions where a shot is coming at them and the only way they’ll possibly stop it is by guessing left or right. High or low. Never mind executing the stop. And since we’re on the topic of execution, how ’bout the pressure that the average goalie feels standing in between the posts. His performance has the ability to crumble or uplift a nation and it all hinges upon never ever letting anything past them. Last season, the league average for goals against was 2.84. You know what you call a footie goaltender who lets in an average of 2.84 goals per game? A dead man. Ain’t no other athletic position on Earth that requires icier veins than a soccer goalie. And save (pun!) that junk about the speed of the puck. That’s why hockey goaltenders wear 50 pounds of gear. It’s not like they’re standing their in a pair of shorts waiting for it to crack them in the chest. By the time that puck hits ‘em, it does as much damage as a puck traveling 25 mph on bare skin. You know who actually is standing there in shorts letting it hit them in the chest? If I need to tell you, you haven’t been paying attention.
The verdict:
We’re going with lacrosse goalie. Screw both of those other two sports. Might as well go with an unknown sport that no one is pretending to care about just to be difficult. Lacrosse goalies wear pads like hockey goalies, deal with whipping speeds like hockey goalies and stand in front of a triangular net, which adds an element of geometry not usually experienced in other sports.
And if you’re telling me that adding geometry to things doesn’t make them harder, then you’re as full of shizz as everyone who claims to care what happens to the U.S. in the World Cup but can’t name three players on the team.
____________________
Leave a Reply
