Miguel Cabrera Is In Deep Trouble, Mister
Photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via AP
The Tigers’ season has come to its withering end. It’s just as well too. Detroit had as much of a chance at beating the Yankees in the first round of the playoffs as … well, the Twins, I guess. Another four games of discussion over Miguel Cabrera’s scratchy face wouldn’t have done anyone any good.
Morally, people don’t like it when irresponsible, drunken wife-beaters are allowed to hit home runs in big-game situations. Unless the wife-beater in question is draped over the torso of a upstanding citizen who would never strike a woman with his fists in the first place, then I guess it’s okay. Wife-beaters also seem totally acceptable on supermodels … but not with supermodels.
I forgot what I was talking about. Supermodels? No. Miguel Cabrera.
And we’re back.
Although Tigers fans would disagree, ending his season on Tuesday was the best thing to happen to Cabrera since Alexei Ramirez introduced him to the Flaming Dr. Pepper on Sunday (it tastes just like Dr. Pepper!) With his season over, this abuse story has already fallen away to other baseball stories; stories of which SportsCenter can replay video footage for 12 straight hours.
The story of Cabrera’s domestic issues is already dead. Everyone knows that you celebrate and perhaps drink a bit after you accomplish something, not right before it. Look at the Twins, Miggy. They partied their butts off when they beat your team – about 16 hours before they were set to face the Yankees. But their drunkenness is okay because a) they were celebrating an accomplishment and b) no one expects them to beat the Yankees anyway.
Although his homer in Tuesday’s game closed the door to criticism of his play, tussling with his wife should swing the door to criticism right back open. But Cabrera’s season is over, so that criticism will fall of deaf ears. Mostly because I’m the only one still criticizing him and no one listens to me. Or deaf ears listen to me, but what good’s a deaf ear, really?
But I just can’t get my head around one two things: 1) why cars that can’t go more than 120 mph still have air foils on their tails and 2) the fact that Cabrera was released to the custody of the Detroit Tigers the morning after his liquored-up brouhaha (brew-haha).
Why was that, again? Can you imagine if every bender that landed you in the drunk tank ended with your boss coming to bail you out? Did Cabrera fill in the name of Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski on the emergency contact list? Did he do it as a goof? I’d love to think Cabrera did it as a goof. Did Dombrowski call manager Jim Leyland at 7:30 Saturday morning too to tell him Miggy was okay? Did Leyland hop out of bed, wrap his robe around him and sit by the phone for updates like a worried mama?
Every report mentioned that Cabrera was released to the Tigers as if such an occurrence made complete sense. Honestly, if given the option between spending another night in jail and forcing my boss to make bail, I’m choosing the slammer. How many cliches must Dombrowski have spouted in that car ride from the jail?
Dombrowski said Thursday that Cabrera “knows he made a mistake,” adding he’s confident Cabrera is going to address the issues that led to problems.
We’re all very ashamed of you, Miguel. Leyland was up all night worried sick. Dombrowski doesn’t know what to do with you, but one thing’s for sure: You are not to hang out with those White Sox anymore. They’re not the kind of people you should be hanging out with. Whatever happened to those nice Marlin boys you used to play with? They never got you into any trouble.
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