Critic Al’s MLB Playoff Picks
SportScape reporter Critic Al freed himself from the haze of the press box cigar smoke and Glenlivet hangover to bring you his well chewed-over picks for this year’s 2009 MLB Playoffs.
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Hello, race fans. I call you race fans because we’re gonna have ourselves quite a few heats in the month of October. We’ve got some old faces and some new faces … actually, that ain’t true. It’s mostly old faces. These teams have all been here before. This is about learning from the past and correcting yourself accordingly. Let’s see how they’ll fare.
A L D S
New York Yankees vs. Minnesota Twins
It took the Twins 163 games of scratchin’ and clawin’ last season for the Twinkles to make it to the playoffs to get stomped by the Rays. The only thing different about this year is the uniform coming out of the AL East and the perception that Minnesota had a chance last season. Yankees in 3.
Boston Red Sox vs. Anaheim Angels
Normally when a record gets stuck on the turntable I throw a shoe at it. Usually I’m not coordinated or sober enough to actually hit the record player, so I get up, walk over and pick up the needle by hand. What I don’t do is expect the record to unskip itself. After three years of these two teams meeting in the first round, why should I expect a different outcome? Call me when the A’s make it back into the fold. Red Sox in 5.
N L D S
Philadelphia Phillies vs. Colorado Rockies
The scrappy band of misfits always find a way to win unfavorable circumstances in Hollywood movies. In this instance, the circumstances are at their most unfavorable. I mean, Pedro Martinez is coming out of the bullpen and Shane Victorino is the team’s sixth best hitter. Guys like Adam Sandler hook up with girls like Jessica Biel and Kate Beckensale in Hollywood movies too, so that tells you how realistic Hollywood movies are. Rocktober ends next week. Phillies in 5.
Los Angeles Dodgers vs. St. Louis Cardinals
St. Louis’ Adam Wainwright and Chris Carpenter might see two starts in this series and considering them two boys won 75 perent of their starts this season and considering Vicente Padilla will be appearing at some point in this series, I’d say this one is already kinda finished. Alfred Hithcock used to have his films mapped out before he ever shot a frame of film. The biggest inconvenience, he said, was actually going through the trouble of getting it on celluloid. The biggest inconvenience here is actually watching the Cardinals get to the NLCS. Between the constant tinkering of managers Joe Torre and Tony La Russa, it’s gonna take forever. Cardinals in 4.
A L C S
Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees
Well, well, well. Turner Broadcasting will be just thrilled with this. Too bad no one west of the Hamptons can say the same. The only good thing about this matchup will be the guarantee that one of these squads will be gone. Money can buy you entry into the playoffs, but it certainly can’t buy you exciting baseball. Take a look at the rosters of all eight teams in this year’s playoffs and tell me these two teams aren’t the most boring. They’re both like coal-powered locomotives. They won’t be stopped, but they won’t be pretty, either. Yankees in 5.
N L C S
Philadelphia Phillies vs. St. Louis Cardinals
This is the series I’m most excited for. Wait. Is that excitement? That might be heartburn. Yeah. Yeah, that’s heartburn. Turns out I don’t really care about this series either. I’m just hoping Albert Pujols finishes the job he started against Brad Lidge four years ago in Houston. Grown men openly weeping on pitchers mounds has the same effect on me as nitrous oxide. Phillies in 6.
W O R L D S E R I E S
Philadelphia Phillies vs. New York Yankees
Indians fans must be jazzed about this outcome, huh? Cliff Lee vs. CC Sabathia. Watch the Cubs spend the entire offseason trying to procure Grady Sizemore only to settle for Travis Hafner. Then watch ‘em convince the entire North Side of Chicago that this is just as good. Wild prediction: Game 3 will go into extra innings. Mariano Rivera will pitch two innings and be forced to bat. Pedro Martinez will come on in relief and finally after all these years plunk Mo right in the back. Martinez will check off another item on his bucket list. The Yankees get additional wind ‘neath their wings. Yankees win in 7.
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