“I’m Ready For My Closeup, Mr. Goodell”
I can’t even say his name. Whenever I try, my mouth gums up as if filled with taffy. Until his most recent un-retirement, I was unaware that the human tongue could wear out and malfunction from repeatedly forming the same sounds. It can and it has. So, you won’t be hearing me say his name. He’s like Voldemort or the Lord when I’m speaking in vain.
It didn’t always used to be this way. He-Who-Shan’t-Be-Named used to be a hero. At the end of the 2005 season he was Paul Bunyan, John Henry and the Jolly Green Giant all in one. He was 464 career touchdowns, 65,127 career passing yards and the 1996 Superbowl champion; and it was these things that would protect him in the NFL afterlife like the Armor of God.
But then he couldn’t walk away from the spotlight. He wasn’t interested in helping his teams. If he were, he’d have acted differently. He’d have made up his mind quicker, deferred to younger backup quarterbacks when necessary, spent March and April doing his retirement considerations instead of June and July.
Like Norma Desmond watching her silent film career crumble with every new “talkie,” so too has He-Who-Shan’t-Be-Named. It’s affecting his legacy. ESPN polls from last week show that 54 percent of fans believe Minnesota won’t make it past the first round of the playoffs. Another revealed that 68 percent don’t think he’s good for football. When asked if he had ruined his reputation among Packer fans, 74 percent said either he had ruined it with by signing with the Vikings or had ruined it long ago.
Instead of Paul Bunyan, he’s turned into Paul Reubens. Instead of John Henry, he’s become John Wayne … but not the dignified elder “Red River” John Wayne, but the asthmatic “True Grit” John Wayne with the eye patch.
It’s nothing new for an athlete to wear out his welcome, nor is it new for athletes to struggle with the limelight going out on them, but what we’re seeing here is a systematic destruction of 15 years of a Hall of Fame career, which is unprecedented in any other sport. The same way O.J. Simpson’s legacy is four parts murder and thievery and one part 11,236 career rushing yards for Buffalo, He-Who-Shan’t-Be-Named has gone from five parts greatness to three parts greatness, one part mediocre final act and one part selfish wanker who left football with as much class as the Clintons left the White House. Just as Barry Bonds will be as remembered for steroids as he will for hitting 762 home runs, so to will Green Bay fans continue to create t-shirts like the one on the right.
Honestly, could you have imagined something like this being worn by a Packer fan four years ago? Arguably no one has done more damage to their reputation without doing something illegal than No. 4 has. Wisconsin is his Mecca. If he’s losing his base, imagine what the bandwagoneers and fairweathers must think? Unless he’s being plastered all over ESPN’s slow weekday broadcasts, or suspiciously paraded out (from retirement) in front of the public to take the heat off of Michael Vick’s return to the NFL,* fans probably don’t think of him at all.
And that must kill He-Who-Shan’t-Be-Named. To be thought of is really all he wants; all he’s ever wanted.
But just as John Henry died after over-exerting himself swinging a hammer, Paul Bunyan died in secrecy and the Jolly Green Giant was urged to resign after marrying longtime partner Sprout in a Iowa, so too will He-Who-Shan’t-Be-Named eventually retire from the spotlight. But with every year that it doesn’t happen, he becomes less of a legend and more of a has-been lost in an importance that doesn’t really exist.
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* Perhaps the best rumor that I’ve heard is one that suggests this most recent un-retirement was orchestrated by the NFL. Although some suggest He-Who-Shan’t-Be-Named simply didn’t feel like putting in a lot of time at training camp, it’s also possible that he was ready to go a month ago when he announced that he’d stay retired. Knowing the Michael Vick signing was imminent and would be widely seen as a black eye for football, the NFL opted to hold off on their Minnesota ace until they needed a sure-fire distraction from the Vick situation.
What more sure-fire distraction could there be than a marquee QB un-retiring again?
The Viking’s website had his face slickly plastered on the team’s homepage, the store page was updated – both within minutes of him coming out of retirement. The unnamed Viking (who has since been named – sorta) who was positive No. 4 would be a Viking within days, despite everything pointing to the contrary added a little flair of Oliver Stone conspiracy theorism. Then there was the odd timing of the un-retirement being announced 18 hours after the Vick interview on “60 Minutes” was hitting the air (four days after Vick was signed by the Eagles) …
Really, it’s the most logical theory for an illogical situation centered around one of the most illogical superstars in football history.
You heard it here first.
Photos courtesy of Flickr
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