Debriefing Buffalo: The 5 Stages of Terrell Owens
Terrell Owens is as talented as he is maligned. And his behavior has been well-documented across 13 NFL seasons. But now that Owens is in Buffalo, the Bills’ proud fanbase deserves a quick refresher course in how to read their new receiver. Quite simply, it all boils down to five different levels of threatening behavior. So in the grand tradition of the U.S. Government’s DEFCON levels of readiness, we present the five stages of Terrell Eldorado Owens.
T-CON 5: Situation stable
This is what Buffalo is currently experiencing. It’s happy T.O., and that means plenty of production. Dallas experienced this level in 2007, when Owens caught for 1,355 yards and 15 touchdowns. San Francisco had a few seasons of happy T.O., while Philly maybe got a glimpse at it for 30 seconds or so during the 2004 season. Later this year, Bills fans must look back and remember T-CON 5, because it represents happier times
EXAMPLES: His four-touchdown game for Dallas against the Redskins, his TD catch for San Francisco in the 1997 playoffs
T-CON 4: Mild antics, but not aggressive or harmful
This is usually standard operating procedure for teams that have T.O. on the roster. He’s a magnetic personality, and teammates tend to rally around him in the locker room. His antics at T-CON 4 are occasionally quite hilarious, and rarely exhibit the type of venom that can be seen in later stages. Still, lest you forget, the spotlight needs to be on him and him alone.
EXAMPLES: Using HBO’s “Hard Knocks” to sell his own line of t-shirts, 60 percent of is TD celebrations
T-CON 3 : Heavy antics, possible subversive behavior, bizarre press conference possible
Here begins the dangerous territory. T-CON 3 represents his passive-aggressive nature to the fullest. It can be as simple as a postgame quote that places the blame on his quarterback. It can also be T.O. making a mockery out of Bill Parcells’ training camp by dressing up like Lance Armstrong and peddling an exercise bike. T-CON 3 is easy to recognize, because it tends to happen as soon as his team begins to struggle. And as many Cowboys fans can attest, T-CON 3 is when Owens begins dropping passes on a regular basis.
EXAMPLES: The pregame skit with a Desperate Housewife, the time he scored a touchdown against the Patriots and did a Spygate reference
T-CON 2 : Extreme antics, exhibiting conduct detrimental to the team
This is the level where you find out the difference between Terrell Owens and T.O. It’s when his touchdown celebrations take a turn, such as the time he celebrated on the Cowboys’ midfield star while with the 49ers. It’s also when his yapping with defensive backs becomes spitting in DeAngelo Hall’s face. And finally, T-CON 2 takes a passive-aggressive postgame quote and morphs it into a conspiracy that Tony Romo and the offensive coordinator are plotting against him.
EXAMPLES: Owens’ full-scale freakout with the Cowboys upon playing the Eagles in 2006, most of the latter half of the 2008 Cowboys’ season, his blubbering press conference after losing to the Giants in 2007
T-CON 1 : Full meltdown mode, bizarre press conference to begin immediately
Duck under your desk and kiss your loved ones goodbye when T-CON 1 happens. Thankfully, there have only been two TCON 1 situations in the past five years. The first one was the prolonged battle with the Eagles that ended with the bizarre Drew Rosenhaus press conference. The second is his pills overdose in 2006. We’re now three years removed from the latest T-CON 1 situation, and let us all pray another one won’t happen again this year in Buffalo.
EXAMPLES: The time he overdosed on pills, the time he did situps on the driveway, the time he called Jeff Garcia “gay”.
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Photos courtesy of Flickr
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