The Fancier the Suit, the Wetter the Backside
First is was Italian Flavia Zaccari, then Americans Ricky Berens and Tyler Clary. Each an Olympic or Olympic-level athlete, each using the high-tech Jaked J01 swimsuit, all creating unintentional butt-vents right before a heat. Three split suits. It’s like a plague. A plague where God wants its victims to accidentally become semi-nude and freak out all the Italian grandmas.
In fewer than four weeks, three butts have been exposed to the unassuming masses. And these aren’t fat butts, these are Olympian, world-class athletic butts. They’re probably among the fittest butts on Earth. (EDITOR’S NOTE: I accidentally pictured Bea Arthur‘s big burly bones fitting into one of these things. It’s like Aykroyd thinking of sweet Mr. Stay Puft – nothing good can come of such a thought). If their bodies are too big to be poured into these $450 hinged polyurethane aqua-girdles, then the suits need redesigning.
Zaccari, mortified with embarrassment, was forced to sit out the championship race at the Mediterranean Games earlier this month. Three weeks later, Berens, the gold medal-winning relay swimmer preferred a slow time to no time at the World Championships in Rome and swam with the ripped suit, despite feeling like its hole stretched down to his knees. He went on to win his 4x100m relay.
If I pay $450 for a piece of clothing, the only holes in it better be for my arms, legs and head.
Fewer than 48 hours after Berens did what he needed to (getting a bounty of phone numbers from Italian bellas along the way, no doubt), the same rip, in the same spot happened to Cody. Luckily he had enough time (barely) to slip on a backup Jaked suit and earn the third best qualifying time in the preliminaries. But even still, he too, was almost disqualified when the second suit was readily displaying the approval stamp of FINA, the world’s governing body.
But these suits aren’t only affecting the amount of blushing being done by Olympians, they’re also influencing which Olympians are even going to compete. After FINA ruled dozens of these suits as illegal this week (too much tech and not enough suit), confusion almost immediately set in.Which suits are illegal? What makes them illegal? And when will swimmers officially have to stop wearing them? UPDATE: Wonder and you shall receive. January 1.
Michael Phelps wants it to happen toute de suite (he’s contractually obligated to wear the soon-to-be-illegal Speedo LZR suit, which was once mighty, but has since been passed by suits like the Jaked J01 and blames the outmoded suit for his World Championship loss).
It’s odd though that some want the suits banned quickly because they provide too much of an advantage while those who use the suit have been forced to drop out or under-perform because of them.
Still others just want swimmers to swim in whatever will keep grandma from staring at butts for 200 meters.
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