How to Russian-ize Brock Lesnar
After watching the Brock Lesnar-Frank Mir rematch, it’s clear that there’s a new addition to “Worst person to be at any given moment in all of sports”. That person would be Lesnar’s opponent in the final seconds of a match. In both the Mir and the Randy Couture fights, Lesnar pinned his opponent and began raining punches to their heads.
That would simply suck.
But Lesnar’s antics after Saturday’s fight against Mir are what everyone is talking about. Was that no-class display really Lesnar’s true colors? Or is the UFC trying to turn him into a heel?
Either way, Brock Lesnar shouldn’t be a mouthy, middle-finger pointing bad guy that we saw after UFC 100. He needs to be stoic, menacing and cold. He needs to be Ivan Drago.
He’s already halfway there. In his rise to the top, Lesnar had to kill off a legend. That naturally makes Randy Couture the Apollo Creed of the UFC. Lesnar also has a Drago-esque haircut and a mean snarl. He even trains in the closest thing America has to Siberia (Minnesota). Lesnar is within reach of Drago-status, but we’d like to present a few additional ways that he can become the Siberian Express of his sport.
5. Get married to Brigitte Nielsen: If Lesnar really wants to achieve true bad-guy status, he needs Red Sonja by his side. She’s only 45 years old. And she’s apparently gone through extensive plastic surgery recently, so that’s a plus.
4. A mouthy Russian manager: Lesnar shouldn’t be the one to sell himself in the pre-fight press conferences. He needs a guy to do that for him. A Russian guy. And who better than a KGB-holdover who’s prone to launching Anti-American rhetoric? Lesnar should also hire a second manager that’ll bang his shoe on the table without any real provocation.
3. An electronic machine that spits out his punching PSI: We all saw Drago’s punching power, thanks to the state-of-the-art device that the USSR paid top dollar for. And those numbers definitely stayed in Rocky’s head during his training sequences. So just imagine what any of the UFC heavyweights would do if they knew Lesnar threw a right jab at 900 pounds per square inch.
2. Enlist the Soviet heads of state to attend his fights: Sure, Communism has been dead for almost 20 years. But surely there’s a few ex-Soviets living in South America that he can hire to watch the match from up in a box, right? The mid-match interviews with those guys would be priceless.
1. Shut his mouth: Drago was a great villain because he said maybe 10 words total. Do you think Rocky would have been so scared of the guy if Drago was a chatterbox? Lesnar needs to realize that less is more in his post-fight antics, and especially his interviews.
So the next time Lesnar faces off against someone in the octagon, we hope the only thing coming out of his mouth is an epic Drago one-liner.
Our favorite? “I defeat all man.”
What more do you need to say?
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Photos courtesy of Flickr
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