How the Draft Should Have Gone
The NBA Draft has come and gone, but the 14 lottery teams got it all wrong. They shouldn’t be going after the top prospects from here and abroad. The Clippers, Grizzlies and other bad NBA teams should have picked up the player that they really need. It might have been a robot, a mom or Kunte Kinte. But had they followed our advice, you can bet that one of these teams would be playing in the Finals one year from now.
1. Los Angeles Clippers – Taylor Griffin
The Clippers got the wrong Griffin. Sure, Blake will probably be awesome, but the Clippers will no longer be the losers we know and love. Taylor is capable of posting eight points and nine rebounds a game, which would be franchise-bests for a Clippers forward.
2. Memphis Grizzlies – Jorge Gasol
The Grizzlies are still making amends for giving Pau Gasol away to the Lakers for free. So a year after taking Marc Gasol, the Grizz should go ahead and draft Jorge, who is actually unrelated to either of the Gasol brothers but happens to share a last name.
3. Oklahoma City Thunder – Brian Johnson
Oklahoma City needs someone to yell out “Thunder!” every time Kevin Durant scores. It might as well be the lead singer from AC/DC. I guess they could play their other songs too, but “Thunderstruck” could help Oklahoma City fans deal with a terrible team nickname.
4. Sacramento Kings – LeVar Burton
That’s right. The team from Sacramento should draft one of its native sons. And since the city isn’t all that great, the guy who played Geordi La Forge and Kunta Kinte is on top of the list of notable Sacramentians. But hey, Burton carried Reading Rainbow for 22 years, he can probably carry the Kings too.
5. D.C. Wizards/Minnesota T-wolves – Barack Obama
Since the president plays so much basketball in his free time, why don’t the T-Wolves just sign him up? And how awesome would America look if our commander in chief comes into peace talks after dropping 20 on the Knicks the night before!
6. Minnesota Timberwolves – Candace Parker
The T-Wolves got the wrong spouse in the Sheldon Williams-Candace Parker marriage. Candace can dunk, she can dish, and more importantly, she can carry a child. The Wolves need Candace because she can dominate in the regular season and pop out new Wolves players every offseason.
7. Golden State Warriors – Wilt Chamberlain’s progeny
The Warriors need to re-create the best player in team history, and that’s Wilt Chamberlain. Wilt the Stilt claims to have slept with 10,000 women. And if one percent of those women got pregnant, then that leaves 100 children who might possess the athletic talent of The Big Dipper. The Warriors should play the odds and take all 100 of the kids, because all they need is one carbon copy of Wilt.
8. New York Knicks – Don Draper
There was a time when the Knicks were cool. No, not the Patrick Ewing years. I’m talking about the Dave DeBusschere–Walt Frazier years. And the Knicks need to go back to that, so who better to draft than the king of cool from that era? The only problem with Don will be his chain-smoking, his constant drinking and his affinity for secretaries. But that’s no different from Isiah Thomas, right?
9. Toronto Raptors – Mike Myers
The Raptors have a nice collection of talent, but they don’t have a mean streak. That’s why they should have drafted native son Mike Myers. The guy who played Wayne Campbell and Austin Powers is apparently a huge jerk behind the scenes of his movies, and that should easily translate to the basketball court.
10. Milwaukee Bucks – Julius Erving
It’s a little known fact that the Bucks drafted Dr. J in 1972. But Julius never played for the Bucks because he didn’t want to be third fiddle to Kareem and Oscar Robinson. So as punishment 37 years later, the Bucks should make him play with the likes of Andrew Bogut.
11. New Jersey Nets – Brian Scalabrine
The Nets need to get back to their glory days. Forget Jason Kidd and Kenyon Martin, New Jersey misses the glue guy from the 2002 and 2003 NBA Finals teams. Brian Scalabrine played nearly 10 minutes a game for those two teams. And the Nets don’t just miss his three points and two rebounds a game. They also miss his heart.
12. Charlotte Bobcats – Kate Gosselin
Let’s face it. The Bobcats’ roster is full of kids. And while their record improved this year thanks to the mental abuse handed down by Larry Brown, Charlotte needs more of that. And you can’t get a better taskmaster of children than crazy-eyed Kate.
13. Indiana Pacers – Optimus Prime
The Pacers are a much bigger exploding disaster than Transformers 2. And while Optimus will occasionally die, he’ll come back each time stronger than ever. We can’t say the same for Mike Dunleavy.
14. Phoenix Suns – Oktay Mahmuti
Something is broken in Phoenix. They need to go back to the run-and-gun days of Mike D’Antoni. But Dan’s stuck in New York, so the Suns should get smart and hire D’Antoni’s replacement at the Italian club where the Suns found him. Oktay would be a good fit because he’s a 17 years younger than Mike D’Antoni. He’s also 100 percent more foreign.
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