Nogoodniks: Top 10 Worst Nicknames and Nickname Trends
Any movie fan following Hollywood’s ever-increasing downward spiral of original ideas can’t be all that jazzed about this summer’s lineup Aside from Pixar’s “Up” and frat-friendly “The Hangover” most of the remaining blockbusters are sequels and remakes. Transformers, Harry Potters, Terminators, Da Vinci decoders, X-Men, Nights at Museums, Trekkies, Pelham-takers, Ice Agers, Sandra Bullock being clumsy. We’ve all danced this dance before.
I feel for you moviegoers, I do. What’s happening more and more in Hollywood is the same erosion I’ve seen in another great art form: sports nicknames.
Gone are the days of classic clever nicknames like George “The Iceman” Gervin, Jared “The Pillsbury Throwboy” Lorenzen (also known as “The Hefty Lefty”), Harold “The Galloping Ghost” Grange, Jaromir “Puff Nuts” Jagr, Ted “The Splendid Splinter” Williams or Karl “The Mailman” Malone. I could go on and on (and on), but with the exception of a select few current players, nicknames in the last 5-10 years have been bland and unoriginal.
Below are the 10 worst nickname fails.
Photo courtesy of Getty Images“The Princess of Diving” China’s Guo Jingjing is considered the most successful diver in Olympic history and she totally deserves a nickname, but this? Why not call her the “Jing-a-ding Kid” or something snappy like that? “The Princess of Diving” is so…so…untrue. Diving has no royalty. To have a princess you’d need a queen. Who’s the queen of diving? And why isn’t that person considered the most successful diver in Olympic history? Imagine if James Brown was called “The Hardest Working Man At This Concert Venue On This Particular Night”?
Photo courtesy of Flickr“Candy Man” The world was enamored with the candy-eating habits of L.A. Laker Lamar Odom right before the start of this season’s NBA Finals. It was so enamored that it totally forgot that about 1998′s No. 1 draft pick Michael Olowokandi. I know “The Kandi Man” is different than “The Candy Man,” but c’mon…you say ‘em the same. And with Odom, we’re just three Candymen away from five. And nothing good comes from saying Candyman five times.
Photo courtesy of Flickr“Pistol” This nickname first belonged to NBA guard Pete Maravich in the 70s and frankly it was awesome. But then the name was attached to tennis player Pete Sampras and became less awesome. Both players were extraordinary, but once there’s a “Pistol Pete,” you can’t just go and start another Pistol Pete. This isn’t replacing your dead chihuahua with some other chihuahua. There can only be one. Don’t cheapen them both. Just because the Petes were in different sports doesn’t mean people won’t notice.
Photo courtesy of Flickr“Pudge” Sox catcher Carlton Fisk was “Pudge.” No one else. You know why he was called “Pudge” because he wasn’t a skinny man. You know why he wasn’t called “Fatty” Fisk? Because despite his shape, he was beloved. Fat people who are beloved are called pudgy, not fat. The other “Pudge,” Ivan Rodriguez hasn’t been fat for a decade – how could he let this nickname happen, much less continue? Look at the adjacent picture, does that guy look pudgy to you? Odom did like Candy. Sampras was a pistol. But Rodriguez? He ain’t pudgy. Why steal a nickname that isn’t even appropriate?
Photo courtesy of Flickr“L.T.” New York Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor is L.T. The nickname is lame and unimaginative enough that it can only belong to someone as rabid as L.T. (ignore his sixth round exit from “Dancing With the Stars”) Giving Taylor a quirky nickname would be overkill; like jamming Skittles in a Twinkie…it would be too much. It’s bad enough when you steal a clever nickname, but the people who nicknamed San Diego Charger RB LaDanian Tomlinson were too lazy to even come up with their own bland nickname.
Photo c/o Time/Life“Sugar” Boxers Carlos De Leon, Ray Leonard and Shane Mosely: What do they have in common? They all stole a fairly gay nickname from Ray Robinson. Ray Leonard reportedly didn’t want to step on Robinson’s name, but tough. Because Robinson was a Ray and Leonard was a Ray…what can be done? Everyone’s hands were tied. Also, “Sugar” De Leon? Gay.
Photo courtesy of Flickr“The Flower” Guy LeFleur had this horrible nickname hung on him. You know why? You’ll never guess. Y’see, “le fleur” translates to flower in French. So you can see, it’s just a quick hop, skip and jump to calling Guy “the Flower.” Except that “The Flower” is about as wussy as being called “Prance Dancer.” If I were LeFleur, I’d have drawn blood from anyone who called me that until there was a Pavlovian reaction to the word “flower.” I wouldn’t stop until whenever le fleur was uttered, people automatically thought about bleeding.
Photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via Getty“ManRam” The Dominicans are really the largest victims here. Any time a Ramirez or a Rodriguez makes it big, everyone knows what their nicknames are going to be. It’s positively mechanic. HanRam, ArmRam (what the hell’s an ArmRam? It sounds gross and painful) and the original ManRam. Manny Ramirez’s nickname wouldn’t be so bad if it was connected to He-Man’s RamMan. If that were the case, I might actually think it was kinda cool. But I doubt it was and I’m positive none of the other Ramirez players have anything to do with the Masters of the Universe.
Photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via GettyAnything Shaquille O’Neal names himself If there’s a cardinal rule of nicknames, it’s that you cannot give one to yourself. NBA all-star Shaquille O’Neal has ignored this rule for over a decade now. He got kinda lucky with the first few (“Shaq,” “The Diesel” “The Big Aristotle”) but then kept going like a toddler who found a way to make his parents laugh. Prepare for it to get beat into the ground. “ShaqFu,” “The Big Daddy,” Superman,” “The Big Agave,” “The Big Cactus,” “The Big Shaqtus,” “The Big Galactus,” “Wilt Chamberneezy,” “The Big Baryshnikov,” “The Real Deal,” “Dr. Shaq,” “Sheriff Shaq” and “Shaqovic.” Yup. Okay. Got it. O’Neal is large and likes the first four letters of his name. Hey, I got one. How ’bout “ShaqFool”?
Photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports via AP“A-Rod” I want to punch someone. Who can I blame for this? Is this J-Lo’s fault? P-Diddy? More than any other nickname pattern, this is the dumbest and laziest. It’s not a nickname, it’s an abbreviation of someone’s full name. That’s it. Compare A-Rod or T-Mac to “Sweetwater” or “Cool Papa” or “Nightrain”… it ain’t even close, man. If my mom can figure out why a player like Francisco Rodriguez is named K-Rod and is tickled by how clever it is, rest assured it is neither cool nor clever. It’s like when your mother asks you how you like the new Black Eyed Peas album…that’s when you know it’s time to stop listening to Black Eyed Peas albums.
Really, that’s the worst thing I can say about any of these nicknames: My mom totally gets them.
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