Mercury Falling, LifeLock Rising, Pt. 1
The WNBA Phoenix Mercury, have announced a deal with LifeLock, the identity theft protection company, that will involve LifeLock essentially buying out the rights to the name plastered across their jerseys. No more “Phoenix Mercury,” say hello to the “LifeLock Mercury.” (Actually, both “Phoenix” and “Mercury” will be taking at least a three-year hiatus from their jerseys in light of this sponsorship deal, but we have to call them something.)
At first this comes off sounding like a terrible idea. Did I miss something or did we just make a pro sports league one step closer to becoming NASCAR? But the fact is, the WNBA needs help. I’m sure Lisa Leslie doesn’t live in a shack, but the “Air Leslies” never quite took off, did they? Half the women’s basketball players have to bolt overseas the second their season is over just so they can continue in the career they chose. When you look at it that way, selling out jersey space to a large company willing to sponsor your team isn’t such a bad idea. Don’t roll your eyes at that, it’s not like we’re in any danger of that trend leaking into the NBA.
Now LifeLock is primarily an online company, but it is still a nearby Arizona-based company. So as a service to other WNBA teams, I figured I would research some prominent locally-headquartered businesses and corporations and provide suggestions on which ones should sponsor their teams. LifeLock has already invaded the Western Conference, so I’ll start by attacking the East:
Atlanta Dream
Coca-Cola. The bonus here is that the Dream’s colors are already blue, red and white and Coca-Cola is well-known for two of the three. Turn those red and white “Atlanta” letters into “Coca-Cola” and you’ll hardly notice the difference.
Chicago Sky
The Second-turned-third City had some good choices, as to be expected. They’re home to Bally Total Fitness which could be a good link for an athletic team sponsor. There’s Blue Cross Blue Shield (Blue…Sky?) But above all else, these Sky-walkers have to know they’re living in the Land of Oprah. If they don’t agree to put Harpo Productions on their fronts, she might just buy out the entire WNBA. In fact, Oprah can’t be bothered with trivial things like that! She’ll get an assistant to do it.
Connecticut Sun
Connecticut? You have nothing. Let’s just face it, if the WNBA is hoping to survive on sponsorship alone, you’re probably going to be bought out by someone in Canada or something. I don’t know who’s going to sponsor you, but be prepared to be renamed the Maple Leafs or something (that one’s not taken, right?)
Detroit Shock
Well this should be an easy one too. How about Chrysler! Oh…um…hang on… I mean General Mo…DAMN IT! OK, forget all that and just go with Little Caesars. At least you’ll have the Ilitch family on your side.
Indiana Fever
There is only one choice here. Steak & Shake. Why? Steak & Shake Fever!!! You’ve just appealed to college kids nationwide and admit it, that’s a greater impact than the WNBA could ever dream of achieving.
New York Liberty
New York has their choice of well-known high-grossing companies of course. Calvin Klein to appeal to fashion-mongers, Dow Jones for the business-minded, MTV to hit up the younger trend-puppy crowd…but you know what? Screw it, you’re New York! The city’s name alone is better advertising than any New York-based business. You should be able to come up with enough fans to support a team even if it’s the senior female underwater badminton squad.
And finally …
Washington Mystics
It was kind of surprising I couldn’t find a good recognizable corporation based in D.C. that should still have enough money to throw around on things like using women’s basketball as their own personal billboards. There’s probably some out there, but … given the recent history of D.C. sports maybe the Mystics should just disappear anyway. Either that, or talk to this guy.
So now that the East has been wrapped up like a World Soccer team, stay tuned for Part 2 where the only thing left is to finish what the good people in Phoenix have started.
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